I AM there for you

Went for 11am mass at my church this morning. We had a surprise guest. He was Fr Joe. He con-celebrated mass with Fr Stephen and Fr JJ. I was very distracted and upset half of the mass. My mind was not there at all. The homily passed by my ears. My mind was busy processing a lot of questions and suppressing my feelings. When I saw Fr Joe first came into the main church, I got a shock. I could not believe he was the Fr Joe I used to know. Before I knew it, my tears were going to roll down. Somehow, it pained me in my heart to see a plump and healthy Fr Joe turning into someone I could not recognize if I were to bump into him along the street. As I was sitting right in the first row of the pews, I was busy fighting back to swallow my tears as I did not want to show him any expression of pity or sadness which might aggravate his inner feelings. I was very upset within. He has aged a lot and lost a lot of weight. When I mention ‘a lot’, I really mean drastic change beyond recognition to me. What makes it hard to swallow my tears is my gratitude towards him when I was going through hell in church. He welcomed me back to church though he had his doubts towards me. However, he cast his doubts aside and decided to welcome me back to church. He even treated me with some food when I was studying for my exams. He never failed to make me feel welcome.


Fr Joe did speak a few words about his medical journey as we were all concerned. He was silly to even ask us if we would welcome him back to church for masses. Of course, we welcome him lah. All of us miss him a lot. I could see he was really appreciative towards Fr Stephen for allowing him to come back for masses with us. He even thanked Fr JJ for calling him every few days to talk to him. This comes to my mind what ‘I AM there for you’ is all about through Fr JJ. Fr JJ is facing certain issues in his life which he does not easily show. Some people thought he is living in his world when he actually knows more than anyone else. When a person is silent, it does not mean that he does not know anything or he is living in his world. It’s just that he may not be the person to deal with the issues or he is not ready to face those issues. Or, he does not see the need to get involved into any politics where he cannot help at all. However, if you need him, he is always there. He does not get swayed easily by people to side anyone. People went to hi to bad mouth me. He asked me about the issue and chose to trust me. So far, in my communication with him, I have never felt a tint of biases or sarcasm from him at all. That is why I have never done anything to go against his trust. I feel God’s unwavering love through his unshaken trust in me. Fr JJ’s act of calling Fr Joe every few days shows God’s love to Fr Joe. This shows that he is always there for Fr Joe. I AM there for you is what Fr JJ is doing in the love of God. I AM is Jesus. I AM there is Jesus appearing in the faces of people who are there to love and care with the Spirit of Love. Yes, we cannot suffer in the place of Fr Joe. Yes, we cannot die for anyone just like how anyone could not die in the place of Jesus. At least, by being present, by being that I AM there for you, reminds the person who is sick or suffering in any ways that they are treasured and precious to God no matter how worthless or helpless or useless they may feel they are. I was very touched by Fr JJ’s act of con-celebrating the mass with Fr Joe around. It really shows his love for Fr Joe and treasure every moment with him while he can though Fr JJ is not feeling well himself nowadays. It is about being there for Fr Joe. Fr JJ really exemplifies that I AM there for you as God’s face of love to Fr Joe.

I always see holiness in Fr JJ though he may not be eloquent or well known to others. He does not show any grandiosity or pomp in whatever he does. When he cares, he does not show off. He will care in his small little ways. Only the recipients will know his generous acts most of the time. I am proud to be loved by that I AM through Fr JJ’s presence at my church to welcome me no matter how long I have strayed away. He is always there for ANYONE. He does not select people to serve. Holiness is also about going beyond your likes and dislikes in the midst of purification here on earth. It is not about personal goal where I want to be seen as clean from sins and appear high and mighty beyond some people’s reach. That may be the worldly definition of holiness. Holiness is about not being tainted by any hatred, biases, self centered. When love is purified and real with holiness, it goes beyond personal preference for the universal love that knows no boundaries or stereotyping or biases. It is about Love for all. Nobody is deemed unworthy of such Love. On my birthday last month, I visited Fr JJ. I praised him honestly that I have always looked up upon him as the gentle lamb as my role model. Guess how he answered me? With his usual humility, he was shy about it and answered me with his usual gentle smile, ‘If you look up to me, you won’t see me up there. You should look down.’ Well it makes sense for him to say that. It further emphasizes the Spirit of Love without show but with humility. I was very touched that he even shared with me his own fears and issues as a human being though he is a priest.

I always believe in out of sight, out of mind, especially in the world where a lot of things and people are vying for our attention. Fr Joe’s presence at IHM reminds me that life can be so fragile. Anyone can collapse at any time. It is up to us to be the face of I AM there for you for the people who are suffering or sick in any ways to be loved and feel worthy. Emails or cards or words can only do so much to convey certain messages. Our presence even without much words sends message of love with more impact to the recipients who can experience love at a deeper level through our physical presence. For me, though without major health issues, a person’s presence is more than enough for me whenever I am sick or suffering. Words to me are meaningless during times of suffering or sickness as I do not even have the energy to read any emails or even hear the words at times. In Fr Joe’s case, I simply went to him after mass. He held on to my elbow and then, I held his and said, ‘Fr, take care.’ I just want him to know that I am also there for him.

I also thank God for giving me opportunities to be one of the faces of I AM there for you to Fr Joe. In a way, God is telling me I am capable of being one of His faces to others and it gives me the confidence to reach out to the others. I am also thankful that some people still trust and love me no matter how some people used to accuse me of breaching confidentiality or spread rumours about me in any ways when I did not do any of those. They still confide in me their deep fears and issues. God further assures me that He trusts me by entrusting me to work in my current position where absolute keeping of confidentiality to myself is necessary. I often do not believe in fights or to prove to others. God will intervene and protect me as long as I am right with Him. People who are pure and real in heart can see the truth. The world does not revolve around me. It is about how we can love others and self truly. Imagine a case where one of the saints has been exposed to love in the public and abuse whenever nobody was looking and bought his sainthood. Do you think there is any holiness in that person though he has been known as a saint? Holiness and truth can never be separated from each others. That is why Jesus is the Truth, the Way and the Life towards holiness. He has never mentioned I am the Liar, the Way and the Life. Lies will only lead to death if one refuses to face the truth and declare the truth. Lies means denial in some ways to cover certain sins or mistakes. How can one move towards holiness when one does not even have courage to admit and acknowledge his sins for God to help him?

This world emphasizes a lot on packaging. Appearing holy or smart does not mean that a person is really holy or smart. Empty vessels make the most noise. I always look for people who have the humility before I even look out for other traits. I even see how some church people condemn priests or people who do not dress well but come with wisdom and humility, and pass sarcastic remarks around about them, while worshipping priests who groom themselves well. I really pity these people who have lost the treasures in their lives. Nothing wrong with priests grooming themselves well. The issue is these people have chosen to judge a book by its cover. They have lost the opportunities to learn from the priests who are humble and wise.

Personally, I prefer to see my loved one at least weekly or fortnightly to keep the relationships going. If I do not see a person for more than 3 months, that person more or less is out of my life. In my case, emails or letters or any writing materials do not keep me connected with a person as I tend to be distracted easily. I really appreciate people who are physically there for me or bother to look for me or visit me. It means I am worthy of their time and they show me that I am loved by them. It is such quality time with them that I treasure a lot.

Ok, going for a movie at CineiLeisure later. Having KTV at Clarke Quay after work with a friend tomorrow. Time to KBKB (Kao Bei Kao Bu. That means cry father cry mother ) through the songs. Poor friend of mine has to endure my chicken slaughtering voice. Need a break during my peak period at work. I am still sick with my painful foot. Really need to run around abit as I was resting at home for the whole day yesterday, watching ‘Personal Preferences’ Korean drama serial. As usual, that is the only time when I am indulging into romantic fantasy behind closed doors before I face my daily harsh reality. Funny thing is my friends always tell me I resemble the naughty leading male characters in a few Korean Drama serials while I do identify myself with a few female leading characters with careless and disorganized traits and craziness who keep on getting into troubles. I am a blur cock. I remember watching Harry Potter recently without realizing I was watching a 3D version. I ended up sleeping for 20 mins as my head could not take in too much stimulation from the 3D impact. The other show I watched was R21 and I did not realize it until I was watching it. Sometimes, I also get into trouble in church as I just go for events without knowing who the spiritual director is or who is involved. People invite me and I just go without thinking much. In the end, I get into trouble. I always bur blur most of the time. I wonder if I will ever blur blur marry the wrong guy. If I ever become a bus driver, do not take the bus I am driving as I may drive you to a cemetery other than the stipulated destination. I think I am better off alone. I will start planning to travel around the world by myself though it may be dangerous to travel alone. I simply can't fit into any groups. I do not want to listen to any more complaints about me being the trouble. I have concluded I am better off alone. I will still reach out to others. But, I think people like me should be loners. No matter what, I still have the desire to travel around the world. Yes, it is lonely to travel alone. But, life is not about what I want though I may desire to have someone to travel with me. I guess maybe, I am better off alone though this journey is lonely. Ok, time to go for the show. Hope you have a nice new week.

With Love,
Elena