I had a good talk with my youth friend at the airport till 2am plus in this morning. My prompting never fails to bring me to people who really need someone to talk to badly. If I had not heeded my prompting, my friend would have continued to keep things that hurt her deep within and continue to get stuck. She talked about her feelings and thoughts and all I did was to advise and asked her to get guidance from her godparents. Hope that helps her. So, my direction of going back to the church is affirmed with her being the first person from the church to get help from me.
God never fails to protect us no matter who we are. He loves us as who we are. My friend told me she prayed for a person to be there for her to open up to. I suddenly smsed her for a movie and she offered her the chance to confide in me. I told her to thank God and have confidence in prayers. I also share about myself. Often, I do not believe in being the saviour where I help people as my projects towards holiness and yet not share about my life. Friendship always involves two- way communication and sharing. If only one way, I really do not know what you should term that.
We watched a movie ‘The Zookeeper’. It was enlightening though hilarious. It was about this zookeeper who went to be a dealer for luxurious cars, becoming who he was not for the sake of winning the heart of his ex-girlfriend who had rejected his proposal five years ago. He even used his female colleague from the zoo as his tool by asking her to act as his girlfriend to show the ex-girlfriend and plotted to win the ex-girlfriend over. It hurt the female colleague and she quit her job at the zoo as she did not want to face him anymore since she felt the pain for him, watching him becoming who he was not for the sake of becoming an image which his ex-girlfriend wanted after she had asked him if he really wanted to do that and he replied with a definite ‘Yes’. Ultimately, good for the zookeeper that he discovered he was never happy about the changes he imposed on himself to be who he was not for the sake of his ex-girlfriend. He mustered his courage and made the wise decision of leaving the dealer’s job and prestigious life with his ex-girlfriend and went back to the zoo to be who he was and got back the woman whom he truly loved and that was the female colleague who was used by him as a tool. This show reminds me to be true to myself regardless of how people see me.
When we strive for holiness, how many of us are even true to ourselves to begin with? How many of us are willing to give up everything, including money, influential friends, fame, prestige, etc.? I really don’t know. How many people are aware that one must be true to himself gradually in order to walk closer to holiness? Have they ever pondered the deep meaning of truth with the Spirit of Love? It is about acceptance of self and others and striving to be that person as who he is in the Divine Plan of God though he may be reluctant to be the person God has planned for him to be. Personally, I have been quite blessed that God has protected me from the person whom I love very much and God does not bless me with him as my spouse. Yes, he is eloquent and seems holy. He is talented and charming. He strives to me holy. He is a person whom many women are crazy over and dream to marry him.
After much reflection, I should thank God that I am glad that he is not blessed to be my spouse. My ‘antennae’ is often very sharp. I read between the lines and tend to ‘see’ accurately the feelings and motives behind the seemingly holy and kind words and deeds. It confirmed that I was not wrong about him as my youth friend told me this person kept on appearing within the vicinity of my church when his church was far away from ours even before the few days before his departure. I made the right choice of not going back. Not because I hate him. In fact, it was because I love him that I stayed away. I chose not to be part of the fans to lure him back to church since his focus should be on his own church where he was called to serve. I did not want to hinder his growth with the others in his own church. Somehow, I had a feeling that he was lying as he mentioned he did not miss most about links to a church group. But, when looking at the behaviour, he had been hanging around the area and his fans. Look at his facebook friends and comments that he approved very often. Look at the people he stick with often long later he had left the church. That tells a lot. Towards him, I only read what he wrote for my knowledge about God as he could describe very well for his talent of eloquence and writing and even public speaking. Somehow, I got confused at times as I could sense something beyond those words.
All along, I ‘see’ this person better off getting married. I was prompted that when I first saw him during one of the church events when I hardly knew him. It does not have to be me as his spouse. Somehow, the kind of attention and care he needs is not just out of friendship. Whenever he feels loved beyond friendship level, he can deliver his message very well with much deeper conviction and love. You could simply feel his joy within. Yes, he is doing well evangelizing and sharing God’s love with the others in his role now. Somehow, something deep is still missing. I may be wrong. Over many years of observation, I am convinced that he can serve much better and share God’s Love deeper if he is married. I do not deny that he really experiences God’s love in his role now. But, I m pretty sure that he can experience God’s love at an even deeper level if he is married as his experience of Love will run deeper into his heart through the love and intimacy with a spouse. To be precise, he needs romantic love and love of his own family to fill that gap so that he will truly ‘understand’ the suffering and sacrifices out of Love for the others. Sticking to a few pets of his own who are families at unhealthy level is already a signal to him about his deeper needs.
Well, I am not as blessed as that female colleague at the zoo to enlighten him and get him to be himself. I do not force him to walk the path which I ‘see’ he should walk. To him, striving to be holy seems to be one way which is the way he is walking now. I am not sure if he is aware that striving to be holy can also be done with a spouse and children of his own. Not all people are called to walk the path that seems much holier than the others. The path that is most suitable for us is often one which fills our deepest needs. Not all people are called to religious life or priesthood as love from community and God directly is sufficient to fill the deep needs within these religious people and priests so that God’s love is experienced at the core of the heart for this Love to overflow to others. When looking at the lives of the saints, they might seem to depend on nothing but faith and overlooked their own needs. However, I think we may be wrong about it. Their own deeper needs had been filled so much that Love overflew from within which led them to carry out deeds and words with the Spirit of Love beyond normal limits. Often, they were misunderstood by most people. They might not get it right with God immediately and took their lifetime to have their Love and relationship with God purified by first accepting themselves as who they were including all flaws and suffering. They had the courage to face themselves.
As for the person I love a lot, I can only pray for him. I never direct him where he should go but I have been honest with him about it as it pins me to see him in current state. He has chosen to be in the limelight and appear holy to others. I do not deny that he does serve sincerely. But, that is not my point. My point is he can share with people at a deeper level God’s love as a married man. I am not sure he can’t get it or he simply does not dare to face himself. He has been thinking of ways to prove that he is serving sincerely and he is happy and wants to save the world. He proves himself time and again that he has touched people’s lives by showing how people have thanked and commented him for his good deeds. Good to have such boost to his service for him to continue to reach out. Good to have such noble thinking and heart for it. But, he misses my point totally. If that is the case, like the female colleague who gave the zookeeper all the blessings though she knew that he was going the wrong way, I give him all my blessings sincerely but with pain within. Saving the world can also be done within a marriage. He is already intellectual. He does not have to go for higher education to be more effective in sharing God’s love with the others. Somehow, my ‘feel’ is he can reach out to more people to touch people at an even deeper level if he is married. I ever witnessed for myself when he was delivering God’s message with joy deep within getting support from his special one and when he had delivered the message in his usual efficient and intellectual manner. There was a total difference. You could be touched by him with the former delivery of speech at a deeper level and could even feel his joy directly out of him while the latter could still touch me but without this deep joy within him. Both states of delivery of God’s messages could touch people but the former one not only touches me but was also filled with experience of love and joy directly from him. Which form of delivery is more powerful?
I am not disappointed not because he is not my lover or spouse. I am disappointed as he is trying to run away. I wonder if he ever sits down and sees himself as a third party and observes himself. Whenever he describes about romance and spouse and children, he becomes very convicted and different. I could feel his yearning. He is very charming when he is real to himself. He always gets himself lost in the imagination and delivery of messages about romantic relationships and spouses. I can really feel his yearning deep within. Sad to say that he keeps on substituting this deep need with the pets who have families and mingle with them at an unhealthy level. He seems to have misunderstood certain aspects of sainthood and Love. He flirts around and always has women around him and sings to them not because he is a philander. He has this deep loneliness within other than the necessary solitude with God. He is not one who can survive solely on friendship and brotherhood alone other than God’s Love. It pains me to see him in that way. I get very upset as he is proving again and again that he is touching people now and tries to prove that he knows the meaning of life and sacrifices. However, it upsets me further whenever he does it as he has missed the whole point altogether.
I am not doing anything to him now. I can only lift him up to God. God really loves him a lot. Time and again, God has already shown him who he should be but he insists on the path he is taking, leading to repeated sins and behaviour which hurt others at times. Time and again, God has shown him he needs a family and spouse to walk with him for him to deepen his sharing with true joy even with suffering through his repeated act of sticking to a family at an unhealthy level. Time and again, he has given up certain opportunities halfway through and left his duties at times to stick to a family, signalling that he yearns to have someone to walk with him as a spouse and he does serve sincerely but not really fulfilling and touch him deeper enough. Time and again, he survives on people’s praises and assurances a lot. Time and again, when I look at his photos taken during certain masses or special events or rituals, he looked very bored or faraway in thoughts. He looked not interested and seemed empty. I feel the pain whenever I see such photos of him. I think he has misunderstood certain situations as temptation. To me, those situations should help him to look at himself clearer and purify his love for self and others and God and be who he is. It seems that he can’t get it. He just keeps on thinking that the path he is walking now is the right and only way. If he has a family of his own, he will be very different. He can make a good husband and truly love his children and experience of how it is like to be part of God through his experience to have a spouse as part of him and children as parts of him and his spouse. Many people have realized that he has stopped certain gestures which gays or very soft men will have. I realize that that is eversince he loves a woman and journeys with her. He is more masculine. I am not sure if he is aware that whenever the woman encourages or cheers him up, his delivery of speech tends to be much more powerful and he is smiling away while delivering. That is definitely not sinning. He is very lovable whenever he is himself admitting all his dreams and flaws and struggles. He is definitely more charming and powerful in his reaching out if he is married with a spouse and children. However, I can’t say anything more to him now as I am not in a position to tell him all these matters from my experience and observations of him for many years and my sense from my gift. He has already proved to me again and again that I am right ‘seeing’ to be in marriage instead of where he is in now. I can only be feeling helpless watching him to continue to think of ways to convince himself that he is touching many lives and he is capable of the sacrifices out of Love. Only he, himself, knows what is deep within him. I can only give him all my support and blessings with pain in whatever he does no matter how ‘wrong’ it is. Maybe, one day, he will wake up and be truly who he is without having to prove and justify anymore, having the courage to be who he is and reaching out to others, touching them at much deeper level while the recipients experience the joy and love directly from him from overflowing love out of his love from his own family and spouse blessed by God. Hope that day will come. Meanwhile, I can only keep him in my prayers.
With Love,
Elena
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