Life has been hectic for me. I admit I have neglected my spiritual life abit during this period of my life due to my work. Finally, I managed to spend some time with my grandfather at the nursing home on last Tuesday after not visiting him for two months. The sight of him saddened me. Maybe, saddened is still not enough to describe how I am feeling inside. When my mum and I were there, we realized that the pus was flowing out of his left ankle and his left ankle was swelling quite big. Frankly speaking, I really hate going there. I always end up in a very bad mood each time I visit that place. To me, that place is not for any decent person to stay. Guess what? What pained me was the fact that there were flies landing on him. The place where he was sitting was smelly and dirty. It really killed me inside with that scene. I wonder how my grandfather could tolerate such environment. I can't do anything else. No money to get him to a better nursing home. So, I have to swallow my anger and pain which are eating me inside. My uncle visited him on the day before us. Didn't he realize that his ankle was swollen? Was he too blind to see that? I do not know how much I can tolerate such nonsense. One day, I will just blow up at my uncle and even my dad. Meanwhile, I can only pray for my grandfather to get out of that filthy hell quickly. One sentence from him cut deeper into me which was, 'I can't even remember how my home looks like.' Though one simple sentence, it vividly espressed how much he yearned to go home and how much pain and sadness and disappointment he had towards all of us as his children and grandchildren, including me. How much have we done to improve on his quality of life? I am worse than anyone. I cannot even speak his dialect and need my mum to translate what he is telling me to me. That explains why I do not visit him alone and I need my mum to go as our translator with me. One comforting thing is he still has fellow old folks to talk to him at the nursing home. At least, he no longer isolates himself from the others. He also looks much better now, except that I am worried about his swollen ankle. He has diabetes and I hope it won't become so bad that that part of his leg needs to be amputated which is common among the diabetes patients.
My Secondary school best friend sent me a message two weeks ago. She told me she had early stage of cancer and requested to see me. We were supposed to meet on last Saturday but she had to visit a master for her cancer and we did not meet. Then, she disappeared online suddenly. I am not sure where she is now, whether she is still around. She has been suffering from depression for years and talking weird. I am not sure hwo she is coping with now. All I can do is to pray for her and to entrust her unto God's hands.Sigh! I guess I can't do anything else for her.
As usual, I do not understand the kind of job I am doing now. I do not understand why I am serving a bunch of pampered 'babies' who need us to plan how to get medicine for them if they were to be sea sick for the upcoming event. They are leaders and much older than me. If they are seriously sea sick, they should know better than us where and what medicine works the best for them. Instead, working team like us get so stressed out over such silly matter. I hate my job. I am also required to do things that go around the system just to get what they want. I feel so silly. I do not see my job with any contribution to the society. All I am doing now is basically to serve a bunch of 'babies' who want their ways. Worse still, I have been arguing with this scholar often. Nowadays, I will shut him up and just do what he says. I am too tired to argue with him. If I stop arguing with someone, it only indicates that I have given up on a person completely.
Many week ago, I accidentally came across some pictures of one of my loved ones. Let's name him as L here. He was in an event. Somehow, when I looked through a few photos of him in a few events for the past few years, I realize that he looked angry when his candid photos were taken. He was not angry. Somehow, when I looked at his photos, he looked angry with his usual expression. In fact, from his look, he looked like someone who can be merciless when someone hinders his ways and I feel his anger within him. Some voice in me keeps on asking me to keep a distance away from him and I even feel his violent tendency in him. At work, whenever I look at the scholar, I do not like looking at him as he has that look of someone with self centeredness with strong self preservation at the expense of hurting people. So far, my dealing with these people accurately show those traits of theirs. Of course, we should not judge its book by its cover. But, somehow, try looking at someone when he relaxes without deliberately coming up with any expression, that is the kind of trait and inner 'attitude' within him most of the time. I ever try looking into the mirror. I have a fierce flook. Well, pretty accurate. I am fierce and can get very bitchy if someone goes overboard. How about you? Look into the mirror and look at yourself. What is the general expression on your face? That may be the very trait or feeling that you have most of the time within you.
Currently, I am watching Secret Garden, another Korean drama serial. I love the garden. It was featured in a way that it was magical. As usual, it is a romantic comedy where the woman who was poor met this freakingly rich man. They had conflicts with each other often and yet they liked each other. The story goes on with the both of them swapped their bodies. I am still in the midst of watching it. The drama serial is my outlet for my romantic fantasy which I know can never happen in reality. This romantic fantasy helps me to be more human, touching on the soft side of me before I face the harsh reality with my tough side. In reality, how will a freakingly rich man woo a poor woman? This can never happen in this modern and materialistic world. It may happen to the minority hidden somewhere. Somehow, I know this will never happen to me. So, I can only escape into the romantic fantasy of the Korean drama serial world. The other reason why I like this serial is its dreamy and blurry secret garden where the secret of the swapping of the bodies betwen the lovers is only known between them. I find Singapore unbearable to live in as I have to squeeze buses or crowded places with no personal space. Some people even stick to me when sitting beside me in the buses which I find very suffocating. In the office, it is all about fighting again for something which I have no interest in at all. I find it unbearable and stressful and lethargic as I tend to need a lot of personal space. That garden in the serial allows me to escape into the limitless nature through my imagination for me to have that space in that fantasy world. If not, I will fall physically sick due to such space constraint with many people fighting for space or anything no matter where I go.
The show also holds its meaning for me. The man and the woman in love swapped their bodies involuntarily through drinking the potion concocted by a woman from the mystery garden. It calls to my mind what it is like to be living with each other as the naked truth according to God's will. Imagine your own personal body touched by someone else with his soul in your body. In the context of marriage, it is supposed to function in that way. Instead of living as individuals insisting on your own ways of living and preferences, you enter into your spouse's world to understand him and love as one, just like how your soul would live in your spouse's body. You take good care of him so as to live healthily as one with him. You are no longer your self-centered self. Of course, it is also not about accomodating and changing yourself so much that you are not yourself, just like your soul won't change to become your spouse's. It is all about loving each other and accepting each other as both of you as individuals are and grow to be more complete through each other and yet complementing each other as a powerful synergy as one to reach out to the others.
That also explains the concept of lovemaking. During the process of lovemaking, it is something like your soul and his are exchanging bodies with his soul getting into your body and vice versa for the purpose of procreation, alluding to the swapping of the bodies in this show. I would not want to have anyone's soul to get into my body and have the risk of my body getting abused, right? It requires faith in God that your spouse is a blessing from God to you and trust in your spouse that you get into the act of lovemaking with him, trusting that he does it out of Love for you and will not abuse your body as his tool for his sexual gratification. When your spouse and you are in the act of lovemaking, it is like swapping your bodies in the secret garden, in the world of mysterious Love to be enjoyed with the blessing of God. That is why I do not understand why some couples would recording the process and posed them online. It is meant to be a private, unique and intimate secret garden to be shared with exquisite delicacy between the two lovers as gifts from God. It becomes cheap free show when it is recorded for display for public eyes.
I am still watching it. I love the fantasy world. I guess this is the only creative outlet for me to stay balanced, to stay human in this animal fighting world. Well, that is life. Hurray! Weekend again. Time to catch up wih my Korean and Hong Kong drama serials. Meetinf my friend at Vivocity for dinner later. It's chilling out time! TGIF!! No matter where you are, rest and relax well over the weekend as these are resting days blessed by God for us to rejuvenate and rest to walk further in our life journey. So, no matter where you are, enjoy your weekend! Cest la vie! :)
With Love,
Elena
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