Finally, back to work today. Still not feeling well after finishing the 2nd round of antibiotics. By now, the medicine I have been taking the whole week after visiting the doctors twice has left me with weak stomach which causes pain. Worse still, my blood pressure is low due to the woman's problem. Alamak! All the health issues come to me at the same time. My body is aching away. As my cough still persists and I have giddy spell whenever I cough my lungs out due to bronchitis which refuses to go off, I may need to see the doctor again. I was so weak just now that I even had to ask my colleague to buy my lunch for me. I still can't breathe properly at times. I really wonder when my health is going to improve even though I have been more careful of my diet nowadays. I can't exercise as I was advised to stay indoor due to the haze. Fortunately, I explained to my colleagues and RO in my team why I was absent for almost the whole last week. If not, they might have misunderstood me. They were quite shocked that I have bronchitis. I guess I have to speak up more to avoid misunderstanding. I feel bad that one task is delayed due to my absence.
Good news comes. I am happy that one of my friends is finally pregnant. She is still unsure if she is pregnant as she only went for a general checkup. Previously, she told me about her concern for not being able to be pregnant. With this good news, I am happy for her. I do see her daily. Sometimes, I nag at her about her diet or overexerting herself. That is the best I can do to remind her as she has got used to her hectic and fast paced life. She told me she was shocked by seeing some negative symptoms last week. I shared with her that nothing can be more important than the life in her. I have the privilege to listen to her how she felt as she went for a general scan where heartbeat was detected in her womb. She shared that it was miraculous to have another heartbeat other than hers. I guess that is the miracle as a gift from God for being a woman. A life within a life giving birth to the life out of Love in Love. Though she is facing many uncertainties with fear, I believe she is a strong woman to go through it. I appreciate she is open about her issue and discusses with us. We are happy to be there to support her while we can.
Last night, I was watching 'Departures' for the second time. It is a Japanese movie which was awarded as the best foreign language movie. It was a man who accidentally got himself into the job of casketing. He resisted at first as many people despised him for his job. Even his spouse left him for awhile. Ultimately, he persisted in his job and did it with meaning and respect for the deceased. His friends and spouse accepted his job and even admired him with respect for what he did to their loved ones. It also showed how every deceased had his/her story and how his/her loved ones reacted during his/her funeral wake. I guess during different stages of life, I have different feelings and inspiration out of the same movie that I had watched when it was first shown in the cinema. This time round, what strikes me was the scene about this female boss of the public bathroom. She was a woman who took the pain to prepare for the firewoods to boil the water for her customers so that the customers could enjoy the better quality of water with comfort. She was a woman who did small things with great love, like Mother Theresa but in different setting. People loved her for her efforts and pain to make them feel comfortable. She died in the end. Her close friend was a man who worked as an undertaker sending the deceased off by activating the fire to burn the casket at the crematorium. He mentioned about death as the gate to get to the other side. It was not an end. It was just a gate to enter into another place. When he mentioned that, I was reflecting on my loved ones who had passed on. It suddenly dawned on me that they are just getting the death certificates as their passports to go to another place before me. It is just like they are travelling in plane to enjoy themselves in another place. It comforts me in a way. Whenever the man activated the fire to burn each casket, he would say to the deceased that they would meet one day. So, I, too, would meet my deceased loved ones one day. The deceased loved ones are mostly my teachers who treated me well when I was in Secondary school, going through difficult times and hunger. Some of them took care of me and offered me food. However, I am not sure if one of my teachers is still around. I have been looking for her. When I last saw her many years ago, she had gone through a throat operation and was weak. She was one of the teachers whom I had quarrelled with and yet she had the confidence in me that I would do well in her subject. I still remember her coming to me and telling me, 'I believe you can get distinction.' just before my GCE O Level. True enough, that was the only A2 I had for GCE O Level despite the fact that I did not study hard and refused to do the assignments most of the time. When I was a librarian, we would share about the Christian faith as she is the spouse of a pastor while I was interested in the Christian faith. I believe she is one of God's gifts to me for me to draw closer to God. I really hope that no matter where she is, whether in the other place or here, she will walk with joy in Love. I do miss all these deceased loved ones at times. They have added beauty to my life in their own unique ways. They played their parts in making my walk during those difficult times easier because of their love. I hope to see them in the other place in the future and thank them as I did not have the chance to do that in the past.
The other theme that strikes me from the scene of the cremation is life can be so fragile and easily turns into dust. As the movie was showing the casket being burnt, the boss's son kept saying he was sorry. For me, whenever I see any scene of cremation where the deceased who used to have life kicking alive became empty shell and burnt into dust, all the wrongdoings and mistakes that the deceased has made are just nothing. We no longer calculate who is right or wrong seeing the deceased burning into dust. Well, is it worthy to be petty and measure who is right or wrong? When looking at life as a whole, the wrongdoing the person has done unto me is just a very small dot in the whole life as akin to Singapore being a small dot or not even a small dot in the world map. Is it really worthy to be angry or hold grudges against the person who has wronged me and bind myself and my whole life with anger and bitterness? It is just a small dot in my whole life. Why can't I just look at the bigger picture of my whole life instead of focusing on that small dot and find all ways to get back to the person? Sometimes, I do wonder why some people bother themselves in plotting against others who have wronged them in any ways or do not agree with them. I find that silly as they have chosen to bind their whole lives around such petty issues when there is a lot more to life.
That is all I can share for now. I am waiting for time to go home as I am not feeling well. Hopefully, I can function better tomorrow. I thank some friends who have shown their care and concern to me. One of them even asked me to publicise my condition through my facebook so that friends could care. I joked with him that he was mad as it was not as if I am getting married sharing good news with others. Why publicise my condition? Anyway, this is the second time I am hit by it. No big deal. My RO even sent me an email about how to avoid flu without medication when I am about to be down with it. I really appreciate the nagging and care and concern from these people. I guess only true friends stay with me regardless of what I am going through. I always believe that true friends are the ones who never abandon you when you are down. They accept you for who you are. I am glad that God has protected me from those people who are not true to me. Somehow, I am glad that they have left me and I have grown stronger. Nevertheless, I thank God for being with me all this while. Sigh! I wanted to go for introductory sailing course today but I have to miss it due to my condition. Sian. I do not know how to swim but I am willing to risk it all. Have even gone snorkelling before. So, sailing should not be a problem. Hopefully, can go sailing one day. Meanwhile, I just have to be obedient and be a good girl and go home for rest.
With Love,
Elena
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