Good morning, worldly! Just waken up from my sleep! Managed to reach home only at 7plus this morning after a movie marathon with a friend. Woo hoo, had a great night! It was my first time going for such movie marathon with a friend. We did not plan for such marathon. Well, I guess that is me. I have always done things at whims. That is just me. I do not plan things ahead. Normally, I may change my mind doing different things in my holidays overseas or even meeting with friends. Most of my friends are open to my style of doing things at whims. Last night, after dinner at NEX, I was thinking on my feet aloud when we were about to go home. I was thinking if I should jog this morning and that would mean I had to go and rest early or I should go for a movie alone. Then, my friend told me my friend would like to join me. We went to the cinema at NEX and realized that we could not find any movie that we wanted to watch. Then, we suddenly came up with the ideas of a movie marathon. We were thinking of Yishun Golden Village cinema as my friend was staying at Yishun. At least, one of us could save up some money on transportation by watching a show near my friend’s house. On our way to Yishun, I changed my mind that we might want to watch it at Bishan Gold Village cinema as we might not make it to the show at Yishun at 11pm. We reached Bishan and changed our minds again. We went on to Orchard Cineleisure as the last show there started at 3.20am. We could at least watched 3 shows. Well, we did so. Our movie marathon started from 11.45pm last night. The first show ended at 1.20pm and we went over to another hall for the second show which just started and then ended at 3am. We went to the 24 hrs MacDonald and Coffee Club to grab our food and drinks and went on to our last show for the night at 3.20am. Woo hoo! So much fun doing and planning things together!! As usual, I did not do much planning. I just went with the flow and everything went on smoothly. My friend just tagged along.
I really enjoy going with the flow. That is the real me. I do not like to explain to people why I do certain things, especially I know what I am doing and going with the flow with peace. Somehow, I get very frustrated when people start asking me to explain things and restrict me in any ways. Certain things just can never be explained. Most of the time, I will just follow my intuition,. As long as I feel at peace and go with the flow, I normally do very well and with joy deep within. As years go by, I realize that my so called intuition is that small little voice from the Holy Spirit. I think I have been trying to fit into the mainstream of society by being normal. That is by trying to change myself to be like others graduating at certain age, getting married at certain age, having children at certain age, conforming to what people expect in church even if it is wrong, having a job which provides me with an income to support my family and myself though I hate my jobs so far like shit, doing things according to normal times like having breakfast before 9am or lunch at 1pm at work to be as normal as other employees, etc. My RO is right that it is just my nature that I am not a person who pkans and goes according to stipulated rules by people from the mainstream. To me, having breakfast near lunchtime, supper at 3am, dinner at 10 pm, are normal. To me, time is just dimension measured or numbered for our common language and communication of various tasks and things to be done together with others.
When looking at my life, no matter which jobs I have holding, they never fail to have the components of entertainment and communication with others. I could be required to entertain and have fun with clients till 3am every night on business trips and my supervisor got worried and wondered where I was. I always have to help organize events where people come to together to celebrate some occasions or business purposes or discussion. I enjoy doing such jobs. What I really hate is seated at the desk handling a lot of paperwork. I get into trouble whenever I am expected to be seated at the workstation and doing some administrative stuffs. Even my colleagues realize that I do very well at events where I am expected to think on my feet. I enjoy working with various projects as long as my leader or RO trusts me and let go for me to do what is deemed suitable. Problems come when any leaders or ROs choose to micromanage unnecessarily. These people are normally insecure inside and get stressed out or freaked out unnecessarily. They are there to make sure that everything is perfect, sometimes according to their unrealistic standards. That also happens in church where some leaders micromanage. Of course, we need such people to be in projects but to a certain level. If not, there will never be breakthrough and things will always be run in tried and safe ways but will never have any innovation or creativity for any breakthrough. It also hinders others from exercising their potential and creativity which will help others and the leaders to do things differently, thus helping them to grow too.
Even in relationships, I do not expect my partner to me micromanaging me or asking me to explain things which I simply can’t explain at all. How to explain intuition to him? When I go travelling, if my partner leaves things to me after he has done all the planning before we set off, I will often bring surprises to him and myself as I have the knack of bringing us to places or experiences which we have never expected to bring us such novelty of discovering new things. Often, I am told I was born in the wrong part of the world as the Asians, especially Chinese, are not so open but are expected to conform to teaching, tradition and rules even if they do not make sense. Yes, I do respect and follow certain tradition, customs, rules and teachings and even appreciate some of them if they make sense or bring meaning to life. I do not like to follow leaders or teaching blindly. Then, what is my brain for? I the realm of Catholicism, I appreciate the sacraments, tradition and teachings from the Church. But, I do not follow leaders blindly just because they are called to leadership. They are humans capable of mistakes and sins too. I do not understand why many people whom I have known worship some priests and sisters and brothers instead of worshipping God. I have seen for myself how they try to please and hoard these leaders. Worse still, I do see how these leaders succumb to such self glorification by doing what please their worshippers. Most of the time, I choose to keep my mouth shut unless I am called to open my mouth to do something about it. If not, I will just pray for them. Many Catholics think that if priests are out of priesthood, it means they are sinners to be condemned or they are womanizers. My question is who I am to judge. I ever told some gossipers off in my church as they carried far too much in condemning my previous parish priest who had dropped out of priesthood for certain reasons. I defended him as I knew him personally and a few of us knew how much hardwork and dedication he has as a priest. Yes, I do agree that some priests drop out of priesthood due to temptation or sins. But, not all priests who have dropped out are how they have condemned them to be. Maybe, some of them are called to be priests for certain period of time and to get out for some purposes o serve beyond the church. Maybe, some are called to get married so that Love is experienced at even deeper levels and they reach out beyond the church to serve others outside. Maybe, some have come to know the hidden truth about themselves as they have tried to get into priesthood to escape from surviving hardship or romantic relationships in the world and they want to live to be true to themselves and others by stopping lying beneath their cassocks and start living single or married lives as called by God. In such case, this may prevent the priests from sinning repeatedly by indulging themselves with inappropriate relationships with women while appearing to be holy in front of the congregation.
What I am trying to drive at is we do not judge. We will never know how God works. Our harsh judgement towards others may hinder these people to be themselves and cause them miseries as they try very hard to fit in while suffering from miseries within. They can never maximise their potential and God given gifts for the good of others. I get quite pissed off recently when the announcer warned us not to look at the paper during the gospel reading of the lunchtime mass next week, especially because of the celebrant. Pardon me for saying this. I was thinking, ‘Bloody hell. I am here for God and not here to please that whoever is the celebrant.’ I am thinking of skipping the mass. I am thinking to myself, ‘What if among us, there are people who cannot hear listen clearly due to hearing impairment? They need to the materials to know what is read. We will never know what defects people may have among us. ‘ For me, I tend to read the gospel reading from the paper or screen while listening to the celebrant as I need to engage myself with many senses as possible to keep myself focus. If not, my mind will wander off very easily. BY looking at the material, I recite the reading in my heart with the priest which uses my verbal sense, listening to the priest with my ears using my hearing sense, and using my visual sense through my eyes following the text. So, you will never know how people can best spend their time during their time with God due to some defects. Of course, all other communal actions such as kneeling and standing and prayers must be done or said with respect congruent with the others as the Eucharistic celebration is meant for all to come as a big family for such spiritual meal with God. Beyond that, I do not care a damn thing about how the priest thinks. Rather, he should be more considerate and open to people who have defects in some ways or are different. I am not there to please him. If he insists on his way, I will just stop going for the masses he is in and pity him for not being open to changes and exceptional situation. He will never grow to be more compassion that allows him to reach out to more people from all walks of life at all levels. Most probably, he is only comfortable that limited number of people whom he is comfortable with or agree with him even if he is wrong. Well, not up to me to teach him. He is a priest afterall. He should be wiser than me.
So far, I am happy to be out of forcing myself to conform to people’s expectation in church. I no longer have to be disgusted by all the fights, pretension and politics in church. I am mush happier now. I guess for me, I rather live freely outside while still obeying God and church teaching. I do not care what people say anymore. I hope to travel around the world at whims. Of course, I must earn the money. I can always help others along the way if called forth. I have tried to hard to conform to structured setting and environment until it kills me inside. Even for romantic partner, I rather the guys who go out with me cannot accept that I do not fit into mainstream leave me than trying too hard to tolerate. Wow, I really admire my colleague’s friend who is saving up to go on sailing tour around the world for one year. That is something unusual and new to have fun and adventure with a partner. How I wish I have such spouse who does things at whims and I just keep myself open and follow him through the adventures in life. I am looking for something more. I am very bored with my life. As I was suffering from bronchitis, I missed two chances of introductory sailing courses from my organization. Yes, I can’t swim. But, I am willing to risk it all. I even went snorkelling once. I was scared at first and asked the person to pull me up from the sea. Then, for the round, I jumped into the sea to enjoy myself. I m scared of height. At whim, I will go for amusement ride which throw me down from certain height. I got migraine and hurt myself in some ways. That is how crazy I am. Sometimes, the more I am afraid of something, at whim, I will just go for those activities. Of course, due to my health issue, I will not go for activities which end up killing me. I really pray for a partner who is confident and open to surprises in life to walk through adventures with me at whims. I love that, man! It is more fun to have adventures with someone you love through life journey. The love and experience shared are deep but also with fun and more meaning. I have always not enjoyed myself with partners who live in fear or within comfort zones. Things tend to be predictable with them. They always go for tried ways of doing things. With them, I do not experience much adventure.
Woo hoo! Cest la vie! I am looking forward to planning some trips overseas. I love the adventure of exploring into the unknown. Normally, my friends will just tag along with me while I bring them through the adventure. Heehee…Sometimes, I am even dreaming of romantic encounter overseas. I wonder how it is like. Imagine the romantic scene with the guy you love in a totally foreign place. How is it like? Like getting lost together and finding ways out? Some funny comments that I have got from people over the years. Some people told me I look like Chinese and yet they do not feel I am a Chinese. Some have mentioned that I look like a graduate from some U.S. universities. Whahaha…so funny! I am far from a graduate and I am too poor to even study in university, not to mention about studying in U.S. I have always dreamt of studying there since young. But, that can only remain as a dream till I die. Now, I hope for a new lifestyle. I am sick of the life here. Very rigid and boring. I don’t mind living poor while exploring the world. I do not need a lot of money or fame or popularity to be happy. All I need is to explore around the world with a partner, braving through life adventures together even if I do not have much money or nobody knows me. Meanwhile, I can only walk my life like a zombie daily and get alive once in awhile travelling overseas or doing things at whim.
Ok, time to indulge myself into another romantic comedy, a Korean series, titled 49 days. It is about a woman whose soul got out of her body and she only had 49 days to look for three men who shed tears for her and confessed sincerely that they loved her. Only then, she would continue to live I the world. I guess people like us who can’t fit into the mainstream have more problems being accepted, not to mention about having romantic partners who will love and accept our eccentricities without caring how people see them with us. SO, I can only indulge into such romantic fantasies through such shows for me to stay balanced in accepting the harsh reality I am thrust into and forcing myself to work in environment where I can’t even be myself. Well, life is good afterall as it is a giftvfrom God. At least, I still have such channel for me to escape into fantasies from the harsh world from time to time. Maybe, I need some creative outlets for my energy to be used. Sometimes, music or dance plays in mind till I can’t sleep. After waking up from sleep, I forget all the music or dance that I hear or see in my mind. I have always loved dancing. Due to my serious injured knee which I can’t even squat or kneel properly, I can’t go for dancing courses. I used to do some professional career test in school. The best job for my interest and ability was to be a dancer. I love dancing. I love watching ballet. Some friends and my brother told me I look like a ballerina. Too bad, I am not. My parents were to poor to groom me in creative areas. I ever went fro some dancing courses and got prises from instructors that my postures were nice. Sometimes, I would enjoy watching musical plays, operas or dance performance, especially ballet. Those moments were the occasions where I can keep in touch with myself and imagination. Hopefully, my knee will improve and I can sign up for jazz or ballet dance for adults. I love indulging my imagination through music and dance. Have been thinking of taking up piano lessons. The problem is I pick up very fast but I forget easily fast. I do not have the money to buy a piano to practise at home. Due to some reasons, I can’t focus when I practise or learn in a group with the others. Individual lessons are too expensive for me though I do much better alone with the teacher. Now, all I can do is to escape into drama series. If not, I will listen to the music from the radio and imagine all the dancing with a partner in my mind or scenes where they fit into the songs. Somehow, I even hope vainly for that special one to be my partner to dance with me through our life journey together. Meanwhile, this can only happen with a blurry faced partner in my dreams.
With Love,
Elena
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