Have been on medicine for the whole week since the event on last Monday. Visited doctor today as my condition did not improve since my first visit to the doctor on Tuesday. Finally, diagnosed with Bronchitis again. Can't even breathe properly at times. This is the second time I am hit by it this year. Really sick of taking medicine and lying on the bed for this whole week. At the rate I go, I know I will definitely not pass my job probation due to my weak health. I did try to go back to work yesterday. But, that worsened my condition as the air con in the office and buses worsened my condition. There is one thing I do not understand. I thought we are supposed to support green environment. Why does it seem that we are burning more natural resources by unnecessarily blasting the air con no matter where we are, especially in public buses and trains and offices where many people are shivering? Personally, I hate air con. It does not only dry the skin and body in general but also does not welcome good quality of air and ventiliation since everyone is enlcosed within the areas with the viruses and bacteria trapped inside. I fall sick easily if someone who is sick is near me in such enviroment. I also can't stand the coldness from the air con which may cause me chest pain at times. I love the outdoor or open space. On Monday, I stayed at the highest deck of the cruise boat as I really dread being enclosed within the lowest air conditioned deck where many top management people were. That got me into trouble as I was not aware that the haze was part of the contribution to my Bronchitis and it could hit me hard. Hopefully, the air quality is better tomorrow. I hope to go for brisk walk as I have been lying on my bed for almost the whole week.
At last Monday night, I was with a colleague whom I have just known, sitting at the highest deck of the cruise boat. I have always loved the sea and mountains since they will never fail to soothe my nerves and temper. They never fail to allow me to admire the magnificent sky and the vast sea and the mountains. That is how I spend my quiet time with God through the nature. My colleague was a blessing from God to accompany me. She shared with me that her friend is saving up money for a sailing tour around the world for one whole year with her spouse since it has been her spouse's dream. Her friend is quite scared of the sea but she chooses to go along with her spouse. I explain to my colleague I guess that is what we call faith. We still step out of our fear to try to overcome the challenges despite fear and uncertainties. That also shows how much she loves her spouse for her to dare to overcome her fear with her love for her spouse just to fulfil her spouse's wish to travel around the world through sailing. I also shared with my colleague that sailing around the world is not going to be easy as there is a lot of uncertainties and challenges ahead. They have to literally face the storms together if the storms strike them along the way. If they can face them together, it takes love and faith to overcome such storms and these storms will only be tools to strengthen their love for each other and themselves. If a person really loves his lover, he will never abandon her. Rather, he will have the faith to face and even overcome his own fears to walk with his lover. This will not only help him to live freely by facing and overcoming his fears to be more complete and he will also enjoy the process of sharing love with his lover, thus being the witness of Light to his lover. Sad to say, I have met many people who have chosen to escape from their fears in the name of charity, holiness, goodness or even God. When looking at a deeper level, they are just escaping from their fears.
As I was looking at the dark sea, I was thinking loudly, asking a lot of questions. I was thinking in the pitch darkness of the sea, how do the sea animals or creatures survive and not bump into one another without any light? How do they know that they are too near one another so that they do not bump into one another to cause injury and death? Even during daytime, the sea can be so deep that no light can reach some places. How do the creatures survive and communicate with one another? My colleague told me it may be due to their sharpened sense of hearing where sound travels faster through the sea. They may have other more sensitive senses to help them. My other question is how deep the sea is. What is inside? A lot of questions ran though my mind which my colleague could not answer. They may seem stupid to my colleague who holds high position in my organization or to the smart people. But, all these questions ran through my mind.
As the both of us were facing the dark sea sewn with the dark sky, it did look scary. My question is what I can fill it with. It looks like life in darkness when we face our own darkness from time to time, just like the scene of the dark sea sewn with the dark sky. What do I fill this darkness with? This draws me to the mystery of Love. In the pitch darkness of the sea, beyond it, there are creatures surviving with their own actvities beyond. It may look dead on the surface of the dark sea. The truth is that there is life beyond such dead dark sea. The mystery of Love may be akin to it especially in our dark moments in life. These dark moments may seem dead or hopeless to us. But, if we seek Love which gives us our lives out of Love, we will appreciate this mystery of Love even during our dark moments. The dark sea has taught me to look beyond the dark moments for Life where Jesus is the Way, the Truth and the Life. Jesus is the key behind the dark veil. He is always there. It is up to us to look beyond the darkness for Jesus who is ever present unless we give up our faith and hope. When looking at the dark sky, we can always fill it with moon, stars, etc. Stars may be seen as the people whom God has blessed us with to help us or love us in any ways. They can also be seen as the happy moments that we have shared with our loved ones and friends. They may also be seen as ourselves shining as the light for Christ to others through our suffering and tribulations after overcoming the challenges which we might have thought we could not make it. The light of the moon comes from the sun if I am not wrong. Sometimes, there are a few people who have very major impact on our lives. They may be seen as the moon. These people will shine in our lives and stand out as more important than the others just like the moon being bigger than the stars which may symbolize others who are not as important or impactful on our lives. We must be careful not to mistake these people as our gods. The light from them comes from the Love within them. God is within them, radiating HIs light on us through them, alluding to the fact the the moonlight comes from the sun. If not, we may choose to worship or idolize these people and do what please them which lead to sins and fights instead of glorifying God who has used them as instruments for us to experience His Love. Sad to say, I see such situation everywhere I go. The worst matter is some people or even some leaders fall into such traps even without knowing they have placed themselves above God for people to admire, follow and worship them. These leaders may even do what is wrong with God by pleasng their worshippers and admirers to gain popularity and fame to fill their insecure egos.
I am very thankful that I had a chance to have some quiet time on the cruise boat on last Monday. My RO realized that I was smiling away, enjoying the breeze and scene. I guess I really need such space away from the busyness of life and crowded places. Even before I start work each day, I get stressed out as more and more people like to squeeze with one another even if they have big space for themselves. I hate it whenever they take up so much space that I have been squeezed to the corner, taking up my space as well, leaving me with no personal space to breathe. Many people are getting more unreasonable. When they are in the wrong, they still dare to shout and scold people who are their victims. At work, the scholar tried to squeeze me as much as he could while he took his own sweet time to work. For example, we needed to set up and test and check all the systems and equipment by 1am. He just stood there, lazing around and even eating Tau Huay while some of us were rushing to get all the things done. When the monster came to see if everything ran well, he would look busy. For the event on last Monday, I overworked as he took his own sweet time to do things. He would work hard in front of the others, especially the bosses. Behind them, he would push things to me or my RO who is also his team leader. When things went wrong, he would justify himself to no end. That was why I blew up on the Friday before the actual event on last Monday. I am ready to face losing this job. I have stretched myself to the max. One thing I have also realized is some people here take their own sweet time chatting most of the time (like more than half an hour of chatting, sometimes, even half of the day) and go home late even though they do work hard at times, giving the bosses the impression that they work very hard. Maybe, I should learn to work that way though personally I think it is very inefficient and dishonest. Maybe, that is how to impress the bosses by working hard in front of them and push the work to the others and slacking behind the bosses so that pay increase and promotion will be faster no matter where I go. Like what the monster had told us, it is all about packaging. That means it does not matter what the truth is. Do I really have to resort to such tricks so that I would not be abused? I am not sure. I just know that I am really very tired mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually handling many tasks at the same time while handling difficult people. These few difficult people just drain me alot.
I have missed many lunchtime masses due to busy work, and even Sunday masses just to catch up with my sleep during weekends. Hopefully, I can recover soon and go for Sunday mass on this Sunday. I really yearn for a new lifestyle. Really hope to go for higher education so that I can choose job that has direct impact on the quality of life of people and yet earning the income which I need to support my family. I like advising and directing people when they come to me for help. I like studying people. I still have not given up the idea of pursuing Psychology course to be a psychologist. I also dream of staying overseas for a period of time, away from here. I hope to spend some time in places where I see snow. How is snow like? How does it feel like? How is the touch? I can only dream of it. I need a total break away. I no longer feel the space I need here. Everywhere I go, I am squeezed and get scolded for nothing and my temper is getting from bad to worse no matter how hard I have suppressed it. I no longer see the meaning and value in my busyness and even feel disgusted at times, especially at work just to serve and please the top management according to their wants even if it goes against my integrity and honesty. Meanwhile, the only way to escape is through my imagination through the romantic comedy from the Korean dramas. The only thing I benefit from my work now is I get to enjoy what the top management is enjoying. To be more precise, to get to enjoy what the rich men enjoy which I do not have the opportunities to enjoy otherwise. I reflect on it. It is no big deal to me afterall. The happiness does not go deep. I know what I want in life and the life I am having now is not what I want at all but I am forced to accept it just to support myself and my family. If I have a choice, I rather set up a cafeteria or restaurant with my spouse. Working hours may be long and tough. I do not mind going through such hardship as long as I grow with my spouse while using the cafeteria or restaurant as the platform for people to build bonds wth one another. I always believe that food brings people together, just like how the children of God are brought together to build bond with one another and God through such communal Eucharistic celebration. I do not mind serving people in that way. I may get scolded by nasty customers and being in business can be very tough and difficult. I do not mind as how much work I put in is how much I gain rather than working in any organization where, no matter how much hard work I put in, the top management will earn most bulk of the profts of the organization, leaving little for the executive level and below. After saying all these thoughts, I still have to bite my lips to face the harsh reality. I fail in career. I fail in romantic relationship terribly. I fail in friendships. I fail in many areas. I just can't fit in and I know I can't fit into the mainstream no matter how hard I have tried despite mockery and insults. But, I still count my blessings as I can still move around. Though my health has been hindering me in my studies and career, my health is much better than many people who suffer from serious diseases. As long as I carry hope in life and I still survive despite all failures and setbacks, I know I can make it in life one day. Meanwhile, I just need to go through the fire and moulding so that I can shine and be strong like the diamond in the end. What shines through is the Light from within.
The weather has been cold here with the rain. I love such weather. Good for sleeping. I thank God for such weather for me to have nice rest. Hopefully, the drivers will stop blasting the air con in the buses. If not, it may slow down my recovery no matter how many clothes I have wrapped myself up. I may need oxygen tank for breathing if my condition continues to worsen, like some astronauts. :)
With Love,
Elena
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