Managed to go to work and hang out yesterday after resting for almost two weeks at home due to bronchitis. The bronchitis hit me really hard this time. Have visited the doctors three times until the doctor told me he has given me all the medicine he has. God's blessing is that I have managed to recover on Wednesday and managed to go back to work yesterday. I did not really rest well. At the back of my mind while resting, I know that I am in for my contract being terminated here for my job as the monster and RO have warned to improve on my health. Who knows I am hit by bronchitis and was forced to stay at home lying on the bed for almost two weeks? I can't blame anyone but myself for the weak health. I have told my parents I will be jobless by end November. That is the reality of life. In Singapore, if you get sick, it is either you pray to die or be rich and get the best physicians or specialists to treat you and have money for basic needs. Here, you really have no time to get sick. You only have time to die. Life is getting tough here. All the prices of the items and services keep going up and yet the salaries and benefits for staff with middle and below positions still stay at the levels in the 90s. For example, for every visit to the doctor which cause me $28 on average, I can only claim $10. What is $10, man? I guess at least, though I can't get the fish, I can still get the shrimp. Anyway, time to get a job. I suspect they have started interviewing candidates to fill in my position. I have got used to not being wanted anywhere I go, even in church. That is just me. I am still trying to improve myself. But the world works in a way that it does not leave any space for mercy or mistake. It is either I accept it or kill myself. So, here I am, choosing the former. At least, I know I have done my best in the current organization.
I went for a movie yesterday. It was 'A Bit of Heaven'. I am disgusted by many movies nowdays. They contain sexual contents most of the time. Does it mean that by having sexual contents in many movies, the movies will attract more people? I seriously do not understand that. Somehow, I think using them too much in the movies cheapen the production of some of the movies. This show was about the leading female character contracted with late stage of colon cancer. Before that, she was sleeping around with different men, indulging in her sexual pleasures. When she was diagnosed with the disease, she went to heaven one day. The irony was while she was in heaven, she exclaimed where the hell she was. A black woman appeared to her, claiming to be God. The female leading character asked her she thought God should be a man. The woman explained she appeared in that form as the female leading character wanted to see her in that form. The woman granted her 3 wishes, leaving the last one for her to discover for herself in her remaining days. And, she went back to spend her remaining days on earth.
The story went on as she fell in love with her own doctor. The doctor also loved her despite the chastise and misunderstanding from his senior doctor and others. When the female character encountered an accident and went to the heaven for the second time, the black woman appeared to her. The female character thought that she had died. The woman asked her what she was fearful of the most. The female character still continued to deny her feelings. As she knew she was going to die from her disease soon, she realized that she loved the doctor but refused to admit it as she wanted to keep a distance away from people, including the man he loved just to prevent herself from getting hurt. She went back to spend her remaining days fixing her relationships with her friends, parents and her boyfriend. One thing interesting was the movie ended with her celebration of her death where all her friends and loved ones gathered to celebrate her death by the lakeside as requested by her while she was dancing at the other side of the lake with the black woman with her.
Actually, like what I have mentioned in the last blog entry, death is just a gate to the other side. How the other side looks like, nobody knows. It may be heaven as beautifully painted with angels and God in various works and even depicted in the movie with pure white clouds above the earth or it may be hell with many levels of torturing as described in Buddhism or purification through the purgatory in Catholicism. Whether a person's death ends in misery or celebration, it depends on the person's spiritual state. Ultimately, a person can be physically sick and yet spiritually healthy and wealthy. The soul will leave the body upon death as the body is only a temple to house the Spirit. The body is meant to serve as an instrument for others to experience and share God's abstract and deep love in any tangible ways through the physicaly body. So, the spiritual state of the person upon death will determine if the person is bound by any unresolved issues, unforgiveness, unspoken words, and unexpressed feelings. All these elements will tie the person to the world and the person cannot leave in peace. Without peace, it means that the person is bound by something or someone. The person is disturbed in some ways. He may miss the narrow gate as the focus is more on the bondage and disturbance.
As I was watching the movie, I was asking myself if I have to wait till I am coming to that stage like the female leading character, then I realize that I am living in fear and have been trying to keep a distance away from people so that I will not get hurt. Then, all these years that I am living, am I not living in bondage and fear? I do not say that I am wise or have enough life experience. But, I have seen for myself how some people in my life live with regrets and fear. Their defensive and self preservation walls are so high that nobody really knows who they are. They are less prone to receiving feedback and love from others even if they are constructive and good for them. They will see them as insults or attack from others and they begin to up their walls so high that they bang into these people. Their words can become so sharp that they cut to the core not to hurt others deliberately but to try to keep these people away so that they, themselves, will not get hurt and can continue to stay within their protective zones. How can they ever grow to be more complete with such walls up so high? Some of them go haywired singing songs that express all hurt and bitterness inside, whining almost daily about everything or everyone in life, out to get popularity and fame to cover up such bitterness or hurt inside, go crazy acculmulating money and promotion by overworking to prove their existence, etc. Well, while some of them continue to stay within their protective zones embracing their hurt and bitterness within and yet trying to gain attention, popularity and fame as their masks, some of them have honestly faced and dealt with their issues with tough time. But, these people have managed to face their issues, sometimes with the professional or spiritual assistance if necessary, are freed from these bondages and truly start anew, living with true freedom in life. They are more efficient and effective in the areas of serving in life. There is a stark change in them where you do not see them complaining so much and the joy comes from deep within. Their interaction with others are more genuine. As for those people who continue to embrace their bitterness and hurt within and cover them with fame, popularity and attention to self, they continue to indulge in and repeat their sins with self glorification as the underlying issues have been avoided and left untouched, still lurking somehwhere to find opportunities to surface in the forms of sins, usually repeated ones. I always think that if you are not even true to yourself, how true can you be with the others? How peaceful can your death be?
God has given us free will. It is up to us if we want our death to be a celebration or suffering with regrets. In the movie, the female character's friend asked her why she did not ask not to die. She repiled everyone has to die one day, sooner or later. It does not matter how long you live but it matters how you live it. With this, I end my sharing here. Take some time to reflect. If your doctor were to tell you you only have three months to live, what comes to your mind? What are those issues stirring in your heart? Most probably, those areas may be the very areas which bog you down in life and hinder you from living freely and fully. Are you going to continue to live in that comfort zone and die uncomfortably or live uncomfortably with necessary transformation with God in you and die comfortably in the embrace of the Lord and loved ones?
With Love
Elena
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