Have been watching 'Secret Garden'. Nowdays, I become couch potato right in front of the TV. I guess I fall in love with romantic fantasy. Somehow, to me, no man in the world can ever be the male leading character in the drama. I guess that is why it is a fairy tale. It was sweet of him to tell the female leading chracter that she did not have to be the little mermaid disappearing into bubble. He would be the little mermaid instead. Th man was bad with sweet talk. What I like about him was his action. He loved her with his action. This man was perfect to everyone where every girl idolized him for his looks and wealth in this show. Only the female leading character knew his claustrophobia and fear. I guess no matter how pretty or wonderful we may think our idols or peoploe we like are, they also have their own flaws. That is why I have never idolized another person in my life. I see it pointless to idolize people though I do admire some traits in some of them that I do not have.
One thing I like about the 'Secret Garden' is I can feel for the poor female leading character whose parents had died when she was young. She was humiliated for her poverty, especially by the male leading character's mum. The main actress could bring out the pain and suffering of abuse by the rich very well. I do feel for her as it also brought me back to the time when I was suffering from hunger. I should count my blessing that I can earn my own living. I can even eat in expensive restaurants at times. Sometimes, people even treat me. Sometimes, because of my job, I have the luxury of eating expensive food and experience such as going on a cruise tour or staying in high end hotels overseas for business trips where I enjoy such luxury without coming up with my own money. I thank God for strengthening me and tiding through those difficult times with me where I was struck with poverty. I also wonder how I had managed to pull through those times when looking back. It would only be possible with God. Though I had never done well in any exams, I counted myself blessed as I could still pass my exams since I would miss many lessons after almost every PE lesson due to my poor health and lack of food. I was also abused by some rich relatives and friends' parents verbally. I remember my friend's mum inserting an Ang Bao (red packet) in front of us at the dining tabkle during Chinese New Year and told us sarcastically with a smirk she was giving us $10 each. I got pissed off and asked my friend to warn her mum not to do that again. Some relatives asked me to drop out of school. Like the female leading character, I felt like a beggar most of the time and kept all bitterness and pain to myself. No friend could undertsand me at that time as they did not have to suffer from hunger. Some thought I was lying. Only a few teachers knew my situation and tried to help and love me. Poor people also have their dignities as human beings. Being poor does not mean these poor people are tools for any abuse. Well, thanks to God, those tough times are over. I have grown to be stronger and more independent, earning my own money. One thing I regret is I did not study hard. If I had studied hard and not got distracted easily, I could have been a graduate earning high pay. Often, I also wonder why I am always so distracted. Now, my career is hindered by my educational level which vexes me. In Singapore, it does not mattr if you are stupid or academically weak. All you need to have is money. If your parents plan for you and have the money to support you, no matter how stupid you are, you can still excel in life. I have seen many cases where tsome people may not be smart and yet they have parents and support from them to get into universities overseas. If you are poor, it is better that you are stupid so that you know your limits and poverty does not hinder you from going further. If not, it is better for you to be so smart that you are a scholar and poverty won't hinder you from furthering your studies and ultimately, career. Poor people like me who are smart but not smart enough to be scholars can only resign to fate and slog under incapable leaders. Tution fees of unversities are exorbitant. My pay can't keep up with the increasing fees. This causes a lot of frustration in me. On the other hand, sometimes, I think if I am a graduate, I may end up very arrogant. As usual, I am confused.
The other way is to get a rich guy and get married like that female leading character in the 'Secret Garden'. Come on lah. Be practical. 'Secret Garden' drama is just fairy tale for people like me to escape into. When it comes to reality, why the heck would any rich and good looking men go for poor ugly women? They will want to bring pretty and wealthy women out like them for socializating to boost their own egos. I guess the scriptwriter for the 'Secret Garden' knew the reality and created this drama for people like me to take a break from the harsh reality into the romantic fantasy so that we can keep ourselves sane and feel loved as children of God like the wealthy ones. Without such escape into fantasy, I will lose balance and feel that I am hopeless in the world. The female leading character is as tomboyish as me, except that she is pretty and I am not. A rich well educated man will woo and marry such women only in the romantic fantasy because in reality, no such man in his right mind will marry such woman. I am not upset by such things. I have learnt to accept it since struck by poverty when I was in my early teens. Romantic fantasy is miraculous in a way that it paints the harsh reality with beautiful colours of hopes (maybe false) that what seems impossible in the world is possible in the fantasy world.
At first, the male leading character could not believe he loved ths female leading character as he deemed the woman as too lowly for his status. The man even insulted her again and again and even scolded her for appearing in his thoughts. Ultimately, he loved her and even wanted to be the little mermaid to disappear instead of the woman being the little mermaid disappearing. When their bodies were sawapped under the spell, the man was willing to go through tough training in the woman's body to fulfill her dream for her. He even discovered alot more about the woman in her body and expanded his world even more to accept her. He even revealed his own vulnerable secret to her, trusting her with love. He dared to voice out his ffelings forn her with outright honesty. Sweet, right? The man even went against his mum's objection to be with the woman. He was always there to protect and be with her. Sigh! This only happens in fantasy lo. I like the drama also due to the blurry and dreamy surrounding of the man's house. I like his house made of glass alot. It is white, clean, spacious and futuristic. That is my dream house. So, throughout this show, my imagination brings me happiness through such fantasy. I know I can never own such house and sport car and marry rich man. No harm dreaming. There is no price attached to such fantasy. Then, I will face the harsh reality when I get out of my room, leaving them behind the closed door. I do not expect such fantasy to turn into reality. I have accepted things as they are. In fact, I am happy escaping into my fantasy from time to time and I think no man can fit into such criteria, except God. I will never allow any man to shatter such dream of mine by coming into my fantasy world. I have got enough hurt from people just because they think they are much better off than me. I do not blame them or get angry. I can't change their mentality and attitude. All I can do is to accept the reality and stay away from these people of high calibre. I know my limits. I have never been as thickskinned as people have accused me to be. People who know me very well know the real me. God does not create me to be abused in any ways. I am happy in my fantasy world from time to time while working hard and struggling in the harsh world. Nowadays, I have even pushed some appointment from friends to take a break away from the harsh reality into my fantasy world.
I am happy in my own world now. I will contribute in my work. Once in awhile, I will organize some gathering with my loved ones and close friends outside for meals to stay close to one another during weekends at times. I am not made to be someone great to be in the limelight. I am much better hiding in the shadow. My work is hectic. People celebrate mooncake festival at home with loved ones on next Monday. I have to work more than 12 hrs again. Have to work from 9pm on this Sunday till morning on Monday. Then, rush home and rest for three to four hours at home before rushing back to the venue by 6.30am for setup and work till 9pm. I am not confident that my body can take it. During the major event in April, I worked overnight and almost fainted on the next day. I was scolded by my RO for going home right after the event as she did not know I was having dizzy spell and almost too weak to walk. In Monday afternoon, I have to go on the cruise boat until 8pm. I am really scared I will fall sick. I guess no point worrying. My colleagues told me as usual, this is the first time they have to do overnight setup for this event after organizing it for many years. I guess I have the knack of turning things new and attracting changes for the team. They keep on joking with me that I should bathe with floral holy water and go temple and pray. Eversince I join them, there are many changes which they have never encountered before despite their many years of working here. It's just me lah. I have grown fatter and fatter.I can't imagine how fat I am going to be for the next few monoths. I guess my intake of food is out of control. Sigh! Never mind. I have hit 33 years old liao. At this age, who will bother to look at me? So, it does not matter. I can continue to be a glutton. Ok, time to go back to work. One more hour and I can go back to the 'Secret Garden' behind closed door for my break.
With Love,
Elena
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