My RO has informed me that I could not pass my probation. We both know why. I have offended that monster and she tend to hold grudges. Somehow, I expected myself to cry or get upset upon receiving thye bad news. I have worked so hard and done more than the others afterall. People in my department handle jobs from one team whereas I handle jobs from both teams. My RO was worried that I could not take the bad news and she was concerned about my feelings. She felt it a pity that I could not get my bonus in December. To my own surprise, I took the news with a relief. Perhaps, deep within, I have always wanted to get out of the hell here. Most of the time, I do not know my feelings until news are announced to me, then I know how I have been feeling all the while. I stay here until the end of my one year probation because I want to learn more things. I should say that I have done my very best to fit in here. My RO told me she could see that I have tried my very best to fit into the structured and rigid culture here with my fluid personality. She felt I have tried too hard and it has been tough on me. I admitted it has been tough but I take it as a character building and training. I have chosen not to quit but to have the organization to ask me to leave because I choose not to quit so easily. I want myself to go through the moulding. Now, I think it is time for me to move on. I guess God knows that it is enough for me here. I have to look for a new job. I am not sure what I am good at. My RO sat down and helped me to think through. She asked me to look for a job in the artistic or lifestyle industry to my surprise. She told me I may explore something in myself which I have not realized. I am not sure. Recently, the prompting in me is to go for artistic industry. I really need a break. I am very drained physically, emotionally and even spiritually by this job. Even now, as I want to start handing over my various roles to my colleagues, that monster still wants me to work on a presentation slides which I know she will reject as it has been her weird style of rejecting any ideas or presentation slides from our department even if the ideas that others have come up with are the same as ours. It is obvious that she only accepts ideas from people she likes. Well, I can't be bothered. I am not going to stay back late for these slides. If I can't complete them, she has to find someone else to do it. I have stretched myself unreasonably to her unrealistic demands. From her, there is no thank you. There are only accusations and chiding from her no matter how well or hard I have done. She micromanages and pick on small little things and blow them big, causing a lot of tension. She has been doing that since I havejoined the orgainization. I am just too tired. This is the first time that I am hit by bronchitis twice in a year. I am still taking MC as my body still fails to recover from the bronchitis. At the rate I go, I am killing myself gradually with a lot of medicine in me which my doctor is also concerned about. I am very tired. I simply can't handle people who micromanage and blow up on every small thing. I rather admit that I am stupid and suck than killing myself gradually under her. I have never seen myself having any bright future under her.
The topic of suicide keeps on coming up in the news. Recently, one article of suicide hit me and disturbs me greatly. Even as I was praying for the deceased woman and her son, I was very disturbed. It was reported that the mother had tied the son's fingers with red string to herself and jumped into Bedok Reservoir which is quite near my area. They dressed in red. It is believed that when a person dresses herself in red, she dies with grudges and will come back to seek revenge on the living person whom she thinks gets her into such corners. In this case, both the mother and son dressed in red. It was claimed that her spouse had done all sorts of things to drive her into corners that she killed herself with her son. While she was living, her spouse had cut himself deliberately and accused her of doing it and reported it to the police. He even accused the woman of doing certain things so that he could get the custody of the son. He would disturb and accuse her every now and then as reported in the newspaper.
What greatly disturbs me is she chose to die with her son who was only 3 years old. What does a 3 year old boy know about? When praying for the woman and son, somehow, I feel a great sense of bitterness and bondage and refusal to let go of the worldly matters here from her. I feel sad for her. I feel sad that she has chosen to be bound by someone not worthy to tie her down and yet she has chosen to be bound by such a person instead of leaving in peace. She has also ended her son's life prematurely. It is heart braking that her son did not even get to choose to live. I wonder where they may wander to. If what has been reported is true, why can't her spouse just let them go? Why must a person drive the other person to the edge? The man comes from quite a well to do family. He did not even bother to go through proper wedding ceremony with her and even had an extramarital affairs outside while torturing his spouse at all levels through accusations, framing her for things that she did not do and loopholes in the law to sue her. What happen to people nowadays? Aren't such actions stoop the person down to the level lower than that of a beast? Do these people believe in God? Aren't they fearful of their sins that will get back to them? Where is that element of love that a person should have? I do not understand.
In another incident, a boy dropped out of school and wrote his book. He focused on publishing his book which touched on the tough times he has been going through after he had encountered how his schoolmate who was usually cheerful killed herself one day. He hopes to bring hope to the other young people who may face certain issues and difficulties which they may feel they are alone overwhelmed by the challenges. He hopes to bring across the message that they are not alone in facing their challenges and he would like to share his own personal life with them, bringing hope to them that they are not alone and there is always hope in life that one does not need to resort to end one's life prematurely through suicide. I see God in this person with this big heart of exposing his privacy in a book to bring hopes to young people like him. It takes alot for one to drop out of school just to reach out to the others and bring hope to them through his struggles in his private life. It takes a lot of courage out of Love to share one's life with the others with the risks of being mocked at or despised by some people.
The two scenarios above are stark contrast. The former chose to end her life prematurely and even murder her son through suicide with her without giving the child any choice of living while the latter has chosen to give up his schooling and focused on publishing his book with the intention of sharing his personal struggles in his personal life. God gives us free will to choose what we do with our lives. We may choose to end our lives prematurely thinking that we are free from the trap that we are in when suicide only leaves the soul to live in darkness and bondages with the worldly affairs and people involved. Or, we may choose to lift ouselves to God and live with courage to overcome our challenges and love to share our lives with the others who may be facing the similar challenges as ours, bringing hope to them akin to the lamp on a lampstand bringing light into the darkness of the others' lives.
Personally, I am living among people of two extremes which give me heartache at times. On one hand, I see how sickly people suffering from various diseases struggle to live and spend every moment to live life to the fullest, reaching out to others and enjoying every minute with their loved ones. On the other hand, I encounter healthy people who try to kill themselves. One had succeeded so far. A few of them attempted suicide a few times. Everyone suffers in his own way. Eveyone has got his own story to tell. I ever have one friend who came to me and told me my life seemed easy as I seemed cheerful. There was one point when I guessed I have had enough of struggles in life and she told me the same thing which caused me to snap. Then, she realized I have my own share of struggles. I have come across people who look cheerful but have been bringing suicidal thoughts with them behind their laughter. Struggles or challenges in life are not meant to broadcast for others to pity us or gain attention to ourselves to feed our egos. They are there to help us to let go of things or people which may hinder us from going towards holiness, and to go back to God. By going through such struggles, we will ultimately shine like diamonds which are strong and hard after going through such moulding and fire. Then, we become the light to others and guide others how we have overcome the challenges and grow so that these people know that they are not facing such challenges alone. We show them there are people who understand what they are going through. Our life stories may guide them to overcome their issues in life.
Ok, enough sharing here. Go back to preparing the stupid presentation slides that they insist that I do even if I know that the monstr will reject. I will be out of job by mid November. I am not sure where I should go next. Most probably, I may take one month of break as my body is screaming for rest. I really hope to have a new lifestyle where I do not abuse my body through overexerting it in my jobs. Ultimately, no bosses will take a glance at me when I am sick. They will only accuse me for being weak. I am quite glad that I am leaving this organization as I can forsee myself ending up imbalanced and despicable like that monster. She looks sulky in her normal expression. Though with high position, she does not seem happy. I have heard horrible stories about her in the top management meeting. Then, what is the point of promoting so quickly and yet unhappy, stepping on many people's toes? Basically, I do not see myself shining under such leadership. When in trouble, she never fails to turn the table around and accuse me in front of her bosses. Such self centered boss will only think of herself and push her subordinates to sacrifice. What is there to learn from her? I also realize that these bosses are training us to be God, to be perfect. They expect us to be perfect in every area. You may do ten good things and yet one small mistake will override the previous achievements and even get insults in the public. I think I have got enough abuse from her for the past nearly one year. She made me work long hours and repeat work that she never passes clear instruction and then she turns around and accuses me. I get scolding even when I go home on time during off peak period while she can sneak off early even when we need her to clear some jobs urgently. I even get scolding for getting sick. I am just too tired with such animal fight. I am leaving this jungle. Hopefully, I may find a garden where I may realize my potential with good bosses who groom me. I don't mind hardship as long as my bosses are there to groom me. I wonder if there is a chance for me to stay overseas for a period of time. I really hope to have a new environment than staying in Singapore. Even if I fail to achieve anything overseas, I know I havev tried rather than getting stuck hetre where I know I am a misfit. I feel very stressed out here. I have tried to study and work within very structured and rigid educational system and working environment. I am not accepted by people most of the time as they label me as werid, eccentric, abnormal, unstable, etc. But I try so hard that I am losing myself and no longer know who I am. I may do better in a big city where there are many different types of people, even more weird ones, that it is easier not to stand out as what I have been labelled as for years. Most of the time, foreigners are more open to my character and personality and more rerady to accept me based on my working experience. I am not sure where I am heading to. I can only lift it up to God's loving hands. I just know that as long as I live, there is always hope and I take comfort that nothing is absolute and things change in the world. I believe there will come a day when I shine.
With Love,
Elena
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