Finally, my body gives way to my lethargy and haze. I was hit by the haze on last Monday. This time round, it hit me hard as I worked till 1am from Sunday night and did not sleep well at the venue. Then, I worked from 6.30am to 10pm on last Monday. I have always been afraid of staying in an enclosed area with low ceiling. So, on the yacht, I was staying at the highest deck, open myself to the breeze that was nice but hit hard by the haze. So, for the past few days, I was on MC due to my respiratory problem, lying on the bed most of the time. Maybe, good for me to go on diet as I am growing fat. Finally, I return to work today as I need to clear the piling jobs with weakness and giddiness. Nevertheless, I thank God for the wonderful experience to go on the private yacht where I had the space to breathe where there was no rush, no squeezing with people.
I am losing this job by November when my one year probation is due. I lost my cool on last Friday as I could no longer tolerate that scholar anymore. I threw my tantrum. For certain action of mine, he has misunderstood me but I could not be bothered explaining to him. I just shut him up and tried to finish my work, conserving my energy for the pre-setup on Sunday and running the actual event on last Monday. He is one whom I can never work with. If a person is stupid, that person can still do well in life with good attitude. But, if a person is not just stupid but thinks that he is smart and insists on his way, I wonder where he will end up in in life. This is what is happening with that scholar. A few team members have complained to me. I simply roll my eyes and ignore as it has been a norm. He even challenged my RO who is our team leader. What else is not possible from him? He looks goodie goodie but he is far from it. The worst thing is for self preservation, he will squeeze the relevant working people as much as he can without considering that we, too, need rest. For himself, he will do things slowly. When things do not work, he will still insist on his way. Nowadays, I am very naughty. Whenever he starts justifying his action and words for self preservation, I will ignore and do something else right in front of him. When he insists on talking to me, I will shut him up and continue with my tasks as I know that he will never listen. So, don’t bother to waste my saliva since he does not understand my language. I would expect myself to lose my job. I am very tired of these people. I work very hard and yet it seems vain to them. I do not need recognition. All I need is they can see that I am a human being like them who needs to rest and I am taking on more than I can take. When I make one small mistake, they can see it loud and clearly, discounting all the good work that I have done. I am doing Division 1 & 2 officers’ work and yet my pay does not justify the amount of work done here. The scholar is smart. He is good in swerving many tasks by deliberately doing his tasks at hands slowly. He made me work late on last Friday, claiming credit to himself by telling the others in the team he did not need help as he would handle it. In the end, he made me stay back and took his own sweet time to do the things. On last Monday, he even tried to make me start work before 6.30am which I ignored as I needed the rest very much for the long day. I felt being abused for his own credit from bosses. I am sorry to say that I simply have got no respect for him at all. I do not even want to be his friend. I am utterly disgusted by his behaviour of pushing responsibility and mistakes to others to protect his butt while pushing others hard to do what he wants. Is this the kind of scholars where millions of money have been dumped for such quality and contribution? Does it mean that a scholar is more human that the others? Does the society work only based on meritocracy?
Nowadays, I no longer feel inferior after working with a scholar like that. It does not mean that I am lousy when my work is not recognized. I just do not know how to act hardworking, announcing to the whole world, especially in front of the bosses while trying to shirk tasks to others when the bosses are not there. I know if I do that, I will despise myself. I rather do what is right with God. My job is blessed by God. So, I will do my best in my job not to please my bosses but God. Ultimately, if I do not pass the probation, I will not feel lousy as I have proven myself to be capable of higher level of work. I rather be myself. Basically, I know my working style and character fit more into American MNCs. But, I guess for survival, I would not want to be picky. My RO told me I do not fit into government sector. But, I just take it as I am improving on my weakness through my job now so that I will grow to be more complete.
I have watched the Nine Tailed Fox romantic comedy. Another Korean show for me to indulge into my romantic fantasy. The male leading character talked down to the female leading character who was a nine tailed fox at first. The language he used towards her was harsh. He always segregated her from human beings though she appeared in human form. Then, he slowly fell for her as time passed by by the female character’s innocence and sincerity and love towards him no matter how harsh he was towards her and how he had mistreated her in some ways . He tried to leave her a few times but his heart always went back to her no matter what which he had no control over his heart.
I was touched by one of the songs played during the show. It goes, ‘Though with my unique looks, my heart is the same.’,’ I love you. All I want is he looks at me.’, ‘I can never come closer to you anymore. Why does my heart keep thumping?’ (even if the person is physically far away or the person has left physically.) What I learn is we can deceive ourselves and try to avoid situations. How about our hearts? Where are they? Where do they lead you to? We may look differently. We may look ugly or good looking or disfigured, etc. but our hearts are the same. They are meant to house the Love. We are all capable of love no matter how different we may be from others. At first, the male leading character refused to accept her as she was the nine tailed fox in the different world from human beings. Ultimately, he accepted her as who she was.
It means all of us are capable of love and all of us, no matter how different we are, even if we may be disfigured, suffer from all sorts of disorders, feel defective in any ways, feel we may look ugly, we have the same hearts. It takes a generous heart with Love to look beyond the appearance, flaws, biases and even worldly standards to accept and love others who are very different from us or are outcasts in society. Personally, I have worked in a prestigious school and churches. I have seen with my own eyes how some children are mistreated and ostracized just because they are different from the normal children as these children may be suffering from disorders such as dyslexia, ADHD, autism, children who misbehave and try to gain attention due to broken homes, etc. I was quite shocked that some teachers and leaders ostracized them and arranged to select leaders and members of various clubs, positions and even ministries in a way that these people could never be selected. I have spoken to a few of them. As leaders or educators, if they want them to be out of schools or churches, where can they go? I thought schools and churches are meant to guide them to the right path. After they have been driven out, they end up creating havoc at void decks and everywhere they go and these leaders and educators proclaim to the others they have been right about their judgement when these leaders and educators are the very culprits to push these children to such warped path.
This Korean drama reminds me that some people treat others as if they were animals lower than them. They talk down to them and ostracize them just like how the male leading character has mistreated the nine tailed fox. Mistreatment does not confine to physical abuse. It may also come in the form of mental, verbal, spiritual abuse. In the modern world where social media tools like twitters, facebook, blogs, etc. are used to convey messages within seconds no matter where you are. It also means bad news, rumours, accusations, slanders, etc. can spread just as fast. Verbal abuse is very common mistreatment towards people who have wronged us or whom we dislike. When we mistreat others in any ways as if they were animals, ironically, we show ourselves as bestial by being abusive and getting into animal fights against one another to get what we want or to try to win others to our sides. What makes us different from animals is we have reasoning and compassion. We have the reasoning to use our compassion for the good of others. We do not just give in to our animal instincts to get our ways. It is rather an oxymoron to see how many people have returned to be bestial in their behaviour and words while they may be more educated than their ancestors in this increasing modern and technological advanced world where people are better informed and educated through the social media and IT gadgets.
Ok, enough of my sharing here. Going home now. Have been firefighting for the whole day. I really hope my bed is here at the office. Really feeling very sick now as I am completing my antibiotics. I guess I have to fight my way back home. Take care. Nothing is more important than health. Without good health, no amount of wealth can make you happy. No matter where you are, always remember to take care of the body as the temple of the Spirit. Only then, you may do God's work of spreading Love with productivity and efficiency, thus effectiveness.
With Love,
Elena
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