Back to work. Have to face the music early in the morning as the vendor has delivered the wrong printer to us. Have to get approval from the monster to cancel the PO. She is probing now and I have to answer for it as part of the mistake is due to my negligence. I have tried my best to be careful though I have always known that I am very poor with such nitty gritty details for paperwork. I really wonder how many more years I have to suffer from such job. Not that I do not like it. Life is not about whether I like it or not. Rather, I have been forcing myself to do something I can't do and be someone I am not for many years in my career due to my low educational level. I get very stressed out as I have been doing what I am not good in at all. I am very sick of the life I am having now. As most part of my waking hours will be in the office, I really hate my life alot doing something I simply suck at and continue to try very hard to fit into very structured environment where I can never be myself. Well, that is life. At least, I have a job which provides me with an income. My ROs have been asking me to go for further studies so that my job options will be wider and I can earn more money for my family. Easier said than done. Where to get the money? With my sucky health, I am also not confident of working full time and studying part time at the same time. I do not blame anyone but myself. Maybe, that is God's will for me.
I am still watching 49 Days, a Korean drama series. I do a lot of reflection through watching movies or drama series. I do not watch shows which are purely about romance as they will only put me to sleep. Rather, I often watch shows that bring out certain themes and values in life. This 49 Days drama is not purely about romance. It is about being true to people and self. The interesting part about this drama is when the hell regulator brought the female soul to a funeral wake where he showed her the different tears shed by the people who attended the funeral. They came in different colours of purple, black, yellow, green, etc. to indicate the different types of tears shed from the hearts. The tears of different colours came from people who cried for show to others, shed crocodile tears while happy within for some ill reasons that the person had died, cried because he cried for himself as the deceased's condition brought out his own, etc. These tears were shed for some self centered reasons. They were not tears shed purely for the love of the deceased. Guess what the colour of the tears was for crying purely for the love of the deceased. It was colorless. I interpreted it as pure tears out of pure Love without any tint of self centeredness or evil. It reminded me of the living water which should not have any colours as it is pure out of Love and yet in Love. There is not any tint of impurity in God's Love for us. If He 'shed any tears' for us, it is out of Love for us whenever we sins and have rejected Him placing ourselves above Him. He 'cries' for us in 'pain' for us as we choose to tear ourselves away from Him to eternal death, just like how we cry with pain losing our loved ones to death.
The female soul was supposed to collect the pure tears of three people who truly loved her for who she was within her 49 days on earth as her soul was out of her body after a car accident. These people should exclude blood related family members. She thought it was easy to get the tears as her friends and fiance seemed to love her alot. While she was in another woman's body, she realized her best friend had an affair with her fiance and were plotting to con her of her land. Most of her ex schoolmates shed different tears out of self centeredness. Some pretended to like her when they really hated her within. I have not finished watching. Now, I have watched the part where she had collected tears from a man who was his classmate but had been bickering with her, shouting at her and claiming that he disliked her when he actually had been loving her deep within, always there for her.
A few things came to my mind as I was watching this show. I remember attending my deceased teacher's funeral wake helping out daily as she was very dear to me. Despite my own grief, I did observe people alot. There was one day when my secondary school teachers and students came for her wake. I have learnt what crocodile tears are since young. I saw some teachers crying and they were the very people who asked me not to go near my deceased teacher when she was still living as they were not sure if her disease would spread and her temper was very bad. They said it with their expression of disgust towards her. Some badnmouthed her to me. I was asking myself if their tears were true. If they were true, why did they not love her and understand her while she was living instead of mocking at her behind her and even spread gossips about her? I had a schoolmate who used to lick teachers' boots. She licked my deceased teacher's boot when she was still teaching in school and yet she badmouthed her deliberately in front of me. During the funeral wake, I joked with the students to lighten up the atmosphere as I thought my deceased teacher would not be happy seeing all of us crying or upset. While joking, this schoolmate of mine scolded me to have some respect for the decased right in front of everyone and she cried as if she were very close to my deceased teacher. I did not rebuke. Basically, while joking with them, I was feeling painful inside. In fact, among them all, I should be the most upset as I was the closest student to her. Even other students thought that I was her niece since she did not have any children. Somehow, people thought that we were related. This schoolmate of mine was well known for putting up show for others to see. For me, I did not care how people saw me. I simply ignored her comment and attended to some other people.
From the funeral wake, I got to see for myself how pretentious people could be. A few of us who really loved her did not really want to cry dramatically in front of many people. Crying is not for show. It is done only when you really love that person. Whenever you think of her, you miss her presence and you cry. You appreciate her for who she was and you see her as a gift from God dear to your heart. Till now, I still miss my deceased teacher. Through this show, I also think through if I will ever collect any tears of true love from people. Sad to say, I do not think so. I have friends. But, I do not feel connected most of the time. Most people come to me when they need advice or nobody else accompanies them. Most care for me because I have been there for them and it is time for them to repay me which I do not need such repayment. Nobody truly loves me as who I am. The only one who has loved me for who I am has died and that is my deceased teacher. She knew all my flaws and weird habits and bad temper and yet she loved me as who I am even till she died. She supported me in some ways through her spouse even after her death. It was the love behind her planning and thoughts for me that have touched me so deeply inside and such love can never be robbed away by the others. I believe her tears shed for me were pure. She loved as a person.
I am very bad with small talks. Nowadays, I do not really socialize alot as I find that a waste of time as many people are putting up show for some personal reasons. Even serving in church groups, I have never felt connected with anyone as everyone has got his hidden agenda. I hate it whenever I catch it. I rather not know so much most of the time and simply enjoy my ignorance. At least, I can deceive myself that I am connected to people. But, I can't. When reaching out to anyone, I will never expect the recipients to love me back or to appreciate me. I simply help or reach out because I love them. Deep inside me, I feel that all these relationships are one sided. They may have got help or comfort from me but I feel disconnected from them. Not to mention about tears, I really wonder if anyone cares about my existence at all. Since primary 3, I have been exposed to how people plot against one another for his own benefits. I have been the victim again and again. A well intentioned teacher ever came to me, asking me if I knew this or that person was taking advantage of me when I was in Secondary school. I answered yes to every of her question. She wondered why I could answer yes to her question and yet I still helped out. To me, I did know who treated me like a fool and who truly loved me. But, what is the point of exposing others if by exposing them, they are not changing for the better at all? Expose them to show that I am smart? I do not need that. I am not God. I only know that I will help whenever I can and I do not lose a pound of flesh by helping if I have the time. Just be a fool and I may learn alot out of helping. If I need to measure and calculate how much I should reach out or help, I will tire myself out very easily. I will be bound by so many petty little things. Life is more that that. If the recipients do not appreciate me which happens to me most of the time, I believe God will reward me in other ways. I know some people may treat me as a fool from the start but I rather give them benefits of doubt than accusing them and hurting them even deeper. I believe with the guidance from God, I will do or say something as prompted by the Holy Spirit to be protected from harm to me. If not, God will move these people out of my life. If I am steep in my prayer life, God will teach me what to do. So, why worry? I will be a fool to worry about being seen as a fool.
What is the colour of your tears for each person? By answering this question yourself, you will know if you are sinning or loving, whether you love with hidden agendas or self centeredness benefits, or love the person as who he is. Now, ask yourself honestly who will be the people shedding true tears for you. Then, you will know if you have truly shared Love with these people or you are with these people for some self centered motives or benefits. Are you really connected with them deep within? One thing I realize from this show is if a person truly loves you, even if your soul is in another body, the person will recognize you and love you as who you are. Love goes beyond appearance. The person knows you through and through and still loves you regardless of what your shell (your appearance) is. Relationships or friendships formed on a very superficial level or for some self centeredness benefits do not go deep into the hearts and these people do not even recognize you if your soul happens to be in another body. They only love those traits of yours that benefit them or boost their images in some ways.
Tear as in splitting an object into pieces or shredding something has the same spelling as tear as in water flowing from the eyes due to some feelings from the heart. In order to shed true tears from the heart, one must be willing to tear himself up to be shared with others by sharing his life and love. How can one shed tears out of Love by not first tearing himself up and sharing with others through his life just as how Christ has torn himself up through his death so that we can have a share of Love in glory? Do you choose to tear yourself up so that you may share your life with the others with tears of true Love to be more complete in God or to be self preserving, hidding yourself in comfort zones intact away from others at a distance not to have the courage to love and be hurt at all, ultimately depriving yourself of growing to be more complete in God?
So, what is the colour of your tears each time you shed your tears for each person? Or do you even prevent yourself from shedding tears at all to appear strong and mighty?
With Love,
Elena
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