Stuck

Had a good chat with a friend on last Saturday. We were chatting overnight and reached home to sleep at 8 plus in the morning on Sunday. I really enjoyed a cup of Mocha Latte with a Chicago cheesecake and chatting with a friend on a cold and rainy night. To me, that is romantic luxury. During the conversation, I realized that I have the same problems of not voicing out issues or problems be it at work or with friends. Normally, with friends who provoke or insult me from time to time, my limit for tolerance for one or two years. Then, I will blow up and leave these people. Most of the time, they misunderstood me for being petty over small things when I have been tolerating their nonsense for one year or two. I don't explain things to them at all. So, those people think that I am temperamental. Never would they think that I have been enduring their insults and provokation of any forms for the past one or two years. At work, the same thing happens. My RO talked to me last week when informing me about my failure in my probation period here. She wondered why I blew up at the scholar many times. There was one occasion she thought it was more logical for me to blow up at my other colleague as my other colleague was the person who asked me to do something. My RO thought I was biased. Then, I explained to her what happened between that scholar and me. I am pretty sure that I am not biased against  him. His act of dodging responsibilities, especially when he created the troubles, simply disgusted me.  He insisted on his ways even though his ways were obviously wrong and they hindered me from my tasks and might get me into troubles as well. Tension builds up between us as he kept on barking me on certain things which I have chosen to let go. Finally, when my RO asked me, then I confessed what happened all along. I know such trait of mine gets me into troubles. Most people misunderstand me as temperamental when these people have poked me repeatedly and I never shown any expression of disgust or anger at all until I blow up one day. My close friends and brother have been scolding me for it. To be honest, my teacher gave me a nickname as Golden Mouth when I was in Primary 5. I used to be worse where I kept everything to myself sitting in a corner and never confided in anyone at all. After Sec 3, my deceased teacher forced me to open up.  Hence, I open up and I confide in my close friends and even reach out to others.

Was reading Fr Ron's blog entry for last week. He mentioned about this book by Bill Plotkin titled as Nature and the Human Soul. I have read a few pages of it online. I will be hopping by Kinokuniya to purchase the book later. I guess it is good for reflection and gain deeper insight into human soul with nature. I am selective in my choice of books. Some writers like Henri Nouwen are good spiritual writers. But, they simply put me to sleep. Most of the time, I prefer books that evoke deep thinking and reflection. I have read most of Fr Ron's books, books from C.S Lewis, Robert Barron, Paul Coutinho, Joyce Rupp, etc. They are my spiritual mentors.

My spiritual journey tend to be a lonely path as I simply can't connect with anyone deeply though I have friends and loved ones. I did try to go for spiritual direction but I find it boring and I become restless. I give up after trying for a few times. Sometimes, it put me off as some spiritual directors became biased and chose to believe the rumours people have accused me of. I never bothered to explain anything. So, I guess it is better for me to travel alone with the guidance from the books and other materials. The only blog I have been visiting is Fr Ron's weekly blog entry. He is very down to earth and honest about various situations. Also, his weekly blog entry never fails to expand my horizon to look at issues beyond self. Sometimes, I do have intellctual discussion with friends or occasionally, church discussion groups, which I enjoy alot. That is when we exchange views and I learn to look at my faith from other angles from the others' input. At times, my friends and I share about our lives, pondering on various life issues. Like what I have told my non Christian friend on last Saturday, I do not share my life story to gain pity. I shared my life story deeply with her on last Saturday as I hope to help her see things from other angles and she is not the only person suffering in that way. I do not want her to feel lonely, thinking that nobody understands what she is going through. We are all suffering in some ways. She can always choose to approach matters differenlty which does not tie her whole life with bitterness and unforgiveness.  That was my first time showing my vulnerability to her which I do not enjoy doing so most of the time. I guess that might be the working of the Holy Spirit.

I do not know where I am heading towards now. Most of my friends are going through their higher education. I am still stuck. For them, even if they lose their jobs, they get help or support from their families. For me, I do not have any resources. I am literally on my own. That is why I still procrastinate. I get very frustrated. Being smart does not mean anything. It only causes a lot of frustration in such situation. If a person is smart, make sure that he is smart enough to get scholarship. If not, simply be stupid. At least, I am willing to accept the fact that I am stupid. Now, I am stuck in the middle of nowhere. At my age, I consider myself as very screwed up. I get very frustrated when a boss had told me if a student could only get 60 mark, there was nothing he could do further as he has reached his ability. But, if a student got 60 marks when he could get 80 marks, that person could not be forgiven for not working hard. Sigh! The fact is that I have worked hard but what I have been doing for my jobs are my very areas of weakness. There is only so much I can improve on. I can do well in other areas but I need higher education to get there. Many ROs have ever told me I may be capable but I cannot go higher and my pay will remain low as I do not have the paper qualification. I also know. What do they expect me to do? Of course, I can save up. But, for how long? Do I abandon my parents so that I could save up?  The tution fees have been going up. Maybe, I should resign to fate. I blame myself for not being smart enough to get a scholarship for higher education. Even if I hate all the jobs that I have been doing and have to continue with such jobs due to my qualification, I guess I have to force myself to walk, dragging myself for the rest of my life. Who asks me not to be a smart aleck? I have given up on myself.

Ok, waiting to go home at 6 plus. Going down to Kinokuniya and library for the books from Bill Plotkin. Time for meditation through these books and catching up with other reading for my break in December. I am very tired. Can't wait for my last day of work here.

With Love,
Elena