Have come back from meeting a close friend. On my way back in bus, the bus nearly got into accident and the driver stepped on the brake suddenly and a few standing passengers were almost thrown to the floor. I really don't know how people drive nowadays. That was not my first time nearly got into an accident. Most of the time, I slept in the bus when the accidents happened. Fortunately, I would always wake up from the screaming from the other passengers or the force from the sudden brake from the buses without any hurt inflicted on me. I should say that God has been protecting me from harm and injury from the accidents. I remember during the Chinese New Year a few years ago, the cab that I was in almost overturned when it skidded and ended up at the other side of the road where the coming vehicles would have hit my side. I escaped that accident as the cab miraculously did not overturn and there was not any vehicle coming towards us. The cab driver was shocked and scared and I could see his hands shaking until we reached our destination. During the year before last, the coach that I was in suddenly stopped to avoid banging into a stupid car which suddenly cut into the lane in front of us and I was almost thrown to the front window as I was sitting on the first seat. Somehow, I managed to grab the hand grip tightly since I was picking something up when the incident happened. If not, I cannot imagine what would have happened to me. I am very convinced God was protecting us. I know I am more accident prone on the road. Somehow, God has kept me safe from all the accidents. I know that is because God loves me.
Have been going for job interviews. Most of them are statutory boards or Ministry. Only one of them was a private organization. I think I am in serious trouble. The interviewers would laugh at my answers as I tend to joke. I keep on forgetting that I am in a job interview and I would start joking if I feel that the interviewers are not that solemn. Sigh! How do I remind myself to stop doing that? Sometimes, they were shocked by my answers and laughed as if they have never heard people putting serious matters in that manner. I am a very blurred person. Sometimes, I would just apply for the jobs after reading the job scopes without realizing which positions I am applying for. When I am going for the interview, I realize that I have applied for some high positions to my shock. I do not wear a big hat if my head is not big enough, meaning that I will not apply try to be smart taking high positions if I am not confident to do the jobs. I believe that the organization pays me for my services. So, to be fair, I should not overpromise and underdeliver. It is about integrity. If I am not honest about little things, how can God entrust me with great things?
During one of the job interviews, the interviewer offered me a higher position but I rejected. I posted it on my Facebook. Friends with kind intention asked me to take up the position and one even scolded me stupid for not taking it. I know all of them mean well. The truth is that I have been out of the IT industry for a few years and I am not confident of taking up the higher position. I rather start from the support role and learn things. If I am capable, I believe I can be promoted later. At least, from the support role, I can catch up with things happening in the industry. Even the interviewer looked at me with a shock and asked me why I chose to go for the support instead of the executive position that she has offered me. Of course, it is tempting to take the executive position as I can prove to my friends how capable I am and the pay is higher.
But, if I really want to compete with people around me, I could have done so when I was in Secondary school when my Sec 2 form tutor recommended me to the principal that I had a high chance to get into Express Stream. I chose to stay in the Normal Steam as I wanted to spend more time with a sickly loved one and I did not see the meaning of competition in studies whenever I saw how good Express Stream students studied so hard without much life just to compete. Of course, some of them just wanted to have bright future. For me, since that time, I know life is short. Nobody should decide how I should live my life. To me, spending time with a loved one while she was around was more important though I was fully aware that I would always be despised for being a Normal Stream student and I would have to spend one more year in school. To others, I was stupid. But, I couldn’t be bothered.
I went back to Polytechnic to visit my lecturers a few years again. One of them was very concerned about me, confessing to me he was worried about me as I seemed to be lagging behind my peers as they would be earning more money than me or holding on to higher positions. I just smiled. If I mind, I would have competed with them in school. I find the competition meaningless. The only meaningful competition is against self. How much have I improved over the years? I do not want to wear a hat that is too big for my head. Yes, taking up that executive position can show off to friends that I am capable. Do I really need to do that for my self worth? Is my self worth dependent on the position I hold on to or the job that I am doing? I do feel bad when some people are sarcastic towards me. Get very upset inside. Nobody wants to hear nasty or demeaning words. Some even told me I managed to get into statutory board as an executive because the interviewer’s boss forced her to accept me. But, I still find it silly to compete. Life is more than that. Many people around me have graduated or are graduating from the universities though I did better than them in schools when we were schoolmates. Yes, I am lagging behind them even when the results back then proved that I did better in my studies than them. After some of them have graduated, I even have to take their sarcasm. What can I do? Anyway, many bosses have told me over the years that I am a capable person. I am just lack of the tertiary education to go up the corporate ladder. I have tried to save up but failed. I get very frustrated inside. Who knows? When I get very stressed out at work, somehow, before I know, my spending is out of control until I get shocked by my bank statement. I am also sick of myself. I can easily forget about my goal of getting into university though I yearn for it. I really don’t understand why I am so easily distracted.
It still stands that I will not go for a big hat for my small head. It is very tempting to hold on to high position and under perform. Anyway, even if I underperform, my friends will not know and I can continue to lie to them. But, I really hate to do that. I hate lying. Each job is blessed by God. If I am really capable, I can survive everywhere. If I should get into university, I will be blessed. If not, according to God’s will, I may not even need that certificate to do well in life. Of course, deep within, I hope to get into university as I had promised someone in front of her casket that I would get in and complete it. But, I am trapped in the difficulty of saving up the money. I am also at a loss how I should remind myself I will not spend impulsively when getting distracted. When some of my friends thought that I came from a prestigious school or was a distinction student, I would always be upfront with them that I came from neighbourhood schools and I was just an average student. Why try to wear a big hat when my head is not big enough? If I force myself with a big hat, I will never feel comfortable and it will cover part of my face. So, if I lie by claiming that I came from a good school or was a distinction student, I would always have to hide part of my true self and would never be able to accept and love myself as who I am created by God.
I am happy for my friends that they are doing well in life. I do not mind them doing better than me, getting higher pay than me. But one thing I mind is when some of them start showing off and giving me sarcastic remarks. That is when you see my facial expression change. I ever shared with my best friend. In school, I did better than her, I learnt faster than her. But, so what? Being smart is not everything. She is now studying in an university, getting much higher pay than me, holding on to much higher position than me and even going to own her own flat. When compared to me, I have nothing. However, I am happy for her. I told her she deserves what she is enjoying now as she has positive attitude towards life and she can focus very well. She has never shown me any bit of despise or sarcasm. That is why we have never had any argument for more than a decade ever since we left school.
The summary of what I have tried to share can be found in Luke 14:8-11
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"When you are invited by someone to a wedding banquet, do not recline at table in the place of honor. A more distinguished guest than you may have been invited by him,
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and the host who invited both of you may approach you and say, 'Give your place to this man,' and then you would proceed with embarrassment to take the lowest place.
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Rather, when you are invited, go and take the lowest place so that when the host comes to you he may say, 'My friend, move up to a higher position.' Then you will enjoy the esteem of your companions at the table.
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For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, but the one who humbles himself will be exalted."
The meaning of not wearing a hat too big for the head is summarized by the quoted bible verses above. Though I have left the church, I still have not forgotten God’s Word. I am still imperfect in many ways. But, I am still learning. If I have been protected from those accidents or any diseases so far, that means I still have each day for me to fix broken relationships, set things right according to God’s will and serve others. I still have a chance not to die with regrets. I rather be humble and admit my flaws and limits than trying to act holy and trying to be God to others. Acknowledgement of limits and vulnerability is the first step in opening oneself to God for transformation. Lies and denial will only cause a person to drift away from God and God can never get through those layers of masks for His light to shine on the dark areas of my life.
Ok, enough of my sharing. I have been feeling very down with many people falling sick or critically ill. I am also not feeling well recently. I think I have flunked the test that I did at home with a lot of distraction. That means I have lost that job I like. I also got sarcastic remarks from a friend instead of encouragement. I get mad at myself for being impatient with my nephew as no scolding or talking seems to help him to stop certain bad habits. I am also keeping certain things which I see and I get very frustrated inside. I am feeling lousy inside. But, I know that there are always ups and downs in life. As I have shared with my friend who is feeling down through Facebook, I am feeling very lousy too. But, I endure the down and look forward to the up so that I would appreciate the up deeper. I commented those remarks on his posting. I hope it cheered him up. As for me, I wonder when I can stop losing job, whether I can ever save up enough money for tertiary education, when my health will start improving, etc. I hang on to the hope through prayers. I am looking to the sun behind the dark clouds....
With Love,
Elena
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