Just came back from a shopping spree with my friends. I did not buy anything since I am unemployed. Don’t know what happen to my right leg. I am limping. I guess it is due to the cold weather and it affects my leg as I have poor blood circulation. My friends and I watched a movie together. We watched Alvin and Chipmunks 3. It was very cute. I like the chipmunks alot. I like Alvin the most. I have always identified myself the most with Alvin. Even my brother and friends think that I am similar to Alvin.
Alvin is a chipmunk deemed to be irresponsible, troublemaker and one who does not obey rules. He does not deliberately disobey the rules. He just likes novelty and excitement. These are some traits that I see in myself. If not for my deceased teacher, I would have gone wild. There was one part of the movie which I identified most with Alvin. Alvin and his mates were stranded on an island. He thought Dave who acted as their guardian would not find them. Even if Dave found them, Alvin would presume that he was looking for Simon and Theodore. Though a troublemaker, Dave still loves him as who he is.
Everyone needs love and attention. Nobody likes to be ostracized or despised. Like Alvin, I am often seen as a troublemaker. Some teachers and bosses think that I am smart. Some find me irresponsible. All the while, I would never expect people to accept me. Most see me as troublemaker. I did try to be as normal and obedient as possible, doing things the same way as everyone. But, I really can’t. It’s not that I don’t want to. I even try so hard to change myself in church and government agencies that I am often warned that I am no longer myself and I will only torture myself. Only a few months ago, I have decided to leave my parish and job to be myself. I am much happier now and I am starting to find myself. I am just as blessed as Alvin. Dave in my life is my deceased teacher. No matter how far I had strayed, she would always be there for me. No matter how rebellious or how much trouble I had got into, she would still be there for me and even supported me through my polytechnic education. That is why till now, I have not strayed too far away from God.
I do not deny that like Alvin, I may not be popular and most people may not readily accept me. Some talk behind my back. Some despise me. Some ostracize me. Some keep on hurting me wit their words. It does not matter. One Dave is enough for me. And, God is enough for me. People who love me will continue to walk with me. Those who do not care for me have left my life for other people or ambition or things. Now, I am looking forward to finding a job where I can make full use of my gifts, personality and interest. I have been selective in my job search as I would not want to torture myself in jobs which cause me a lot of pain and struggle to fit in. I have had enough of that kind of working life for more than 8 years. I really want to excel in my career and shine in it. I want to earn more money for my family and save some money for myself to get into an old folks home and for my medical bills when I turn old. I am prepared to die lonely. After coming back from my uncle’s funeral, I am thinking of buying a space in the columbarium at Mandai. It cost only $750 now. If I buy later, it may be more expensive. My mum was shocked when I said that and asked me not to say such inauspicious words. I explained to her I have been having weak body and I will never know when I will be the next to go. By not talking about death, it does not mean that I won’t die.
Basically, I have checked the price range of a space at various locations in the columbarium at my parish. Wow, it cost a few thousand dollars at the eye level. I am thinking maybe, if it is permitted, it is better to throw my ashes into the sea. Anyway, after my death, I do not need anyone to visit me in the columbarium and I do not need anyone to remember me. I also doubt anyone will attend my funeral, not to mention anyone visiting me in the columbarium. I have left the Catholic church. But, I still want a Catholic funeral. I have never abandoned God and the church teaching. The only thing I do not fulfil is my Sunday obligation. Most probably, when I die, Catholic funeral is not allowed in my case. Never mind. No matter what, I still love God. I really want to be home with the Lord when my time comes. It is up to Him to accept me or not.
I will not go back to the Catholic church. Not out of any grievances but out of Love. It is still best for me to stay away for everyone’s good and I can’t handle the people inside. The only way to go back is when I marry a Catholic. I am still praying hard for it. Why is that so? I would not want to reveal here. I will feel more peaceful and assured with a man with strong faith to walk with me and guide me. I know I am like Alvin. I need someone to walk with me. Meanwhile, I will stay outside church and continue my priestly duties and prayers. I still recite the Nicene Creed as I want to proudly proclaim myself as a Catholic. I really hope to find a job soon and put all my focus on excelling in it. I also hope that I will not bump into some weird men acting weird or trying to get too close to me. I am not attractive nor capable nor a person with good character. It is really annoying that I always get into such awkward situations at workplace no matter which organizations I get into or parishes or even during some social events. I find it a waste of time handling them. I hope that the next time a guy shows interest in me and confesses his feelings to me will be my spouse blessed by God. Really hope that like Alvin, I will shine in my career with my gifts, personality and interest.
With Love,
Elena
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