Have just come back from a long walk alone along the road at Yishun after sending my friend home. I guess I really needed that long walk along to think things through and for reflection. My brain seems to work better at night and I sleep more soundly during the day. I really enjoyed the walk. But the price was high as I had to pay around $20 for the cab fare to reach home from Yishun. A lot of things went through my mind. There are certain people whom I miss very much. One had passed on and the other has left my life. I miss him very much and I can never see him again. I treasure every moment that we have spent together and I will keep them as God’s blessings to me. He is God’s gift to me. I hope he is doing fine now. All I can do is to pray for him. I have just received one good news. I see it as my Christmas gift from God. I have passed my test for one of the job interviews and I will be going for one final panel interview with the Executive Director and the Senior Manager. If everything goes well, I will get the job. Frankly speaking, I am not that confident. Basically, when I sent my resume for the position, I blur blur sent it after reading through the job scope as I was confident in doing the tasks in the job description. I only realized that the position was Senior Officer. Maybe, I feel threatened by the title and do not feel confident to take up the position. I really hope to get the job as according to my ex colleague and friends, this statutory board functions very much like private sector and the people there are fun loving. I have established quite a good relationship with the Senior Manager and feel at ease with her. Besides, this is the industry that I have always wanted to get in, i.e. Events management and something to do with lifestyle. The prospects seem good. If I do well, I may have the chance to get sponsorship for further studies. I do not have the luxury like my friends who have someone or resources to fall back on if they can’t work for some reasons. The only way to the further studies is to do well in my job and hope to get sponsorship from the organization for further studies. I have nearly reached my maximum grade for my level. The next level may need me to get a degree. If not, not only is my position stagnant, but also my pay which I can’t afford to since my parents will be depending on my brother and me and the prices of things here keep on going up. I also need money for me to go to old folks home when I am old. Really pray hard to get this job. I am really sick of changing jobs.
My friend asked me to do business with her again. She will come up with the capital and I will get the business. I have not accepted it as I am not comfortable with not coming up a single cent. Well, let me see how. She suggested we get into floral business. As for me, I am more interested in the food industry. I like pastries and cakes and coffee. I am thinking of setting up a business along that line. My friends often mention that I am born in the wrong part of the world. I do not like rice. I often go for Western Food and pastries. I believe in bonding over a cup of aromatic coffee and mouth watering cakes or pastries. I always bond with my friends in such cafes. Nothing is paradise more than savouring good food with friends and loved ones. It’s a blessing to eat. Look at the sickly people around us. Some of them cannot even eat. I always count my blessing that I can still enjoy delicious food.
This brings my mind to the movie that I have watched with my friend just now. It was ‘We Bought a Zoo’ It was about a man who wanted to have a new start with his two children after his spouse had passed on due to sickness and loss of job. He bought a zoo and spent a lot of money to revamp it for reopening. One sentence from the one of the characters struck me, ‘It takes 20s for insane bravery.’ What does it mean? It means if you love a person, though it may seem absurd or embarrassing to confess your feelings or it is too much for the pride to risk any rejection, it only takes 20s to risk it all for ‘embarrassment’ rather than a lifetime of ‘embarrassment’ to have the other party to misunderstand you, never knowing what you feel towards him/her and even gets hurt out of this unnecessary misunderstanding. How many times have we allowed our embarrassment or pride or lack of courage to confess true feelings to the other party causing him/her to suffer from the misunderstanding and the frustration or even regrets out of it? I was a victim once as the other party refused to tell me she had treated me as her child. I only knew that after her death. Do you know how much remorse and hurt I was bearing? It took me 8 years for me to sort things out as my grief was a complicated one. I guess this has a negative impact on my romantic relationship with any guys. It is scary to have similar misunderstanding. The more you love that person, the greater the damage is. I am just scared that I will know the person loves me only after his death. I really can’t take that.
That explains why I am honest with my feelings with the guys, whether I like them or not. I do not want them to have any false hopes on me. For those who are not interested in me, so be it. It may seem that I am thick skinned. Those people who know me well enough know that I am far from it. It also takes me a lot of courage to confess my feelings, especially those whom I love dearly. The deeper I love, the more difficult it is. I always find it a struggle to confess those feelings deep within. I am bad with handling feelings. They are strangers to me. I need more time to understand them and digest them before I confess them to the people involved. Rejecting someone is easy job for me. I always find romantic relationships great monsters for me to deal with, especially the ones dear to me. I have worked for many organizations. I have often got into awkward situations with male colleagues in most organizations I worked in. I do not understand why. I am crude with average look and bad temper and yet I seem to attract some of these guys in expressing certain feelings to me. I would always freak out and take some time to react. I guess these guys had weird taste for women which explained why I was one of their targets. I am sick of such things. I pray that the next guy who expresses his feelings for me would be my spouse blessed by God. I am sick of such games. They are emotionally tiring and I have no interest in such games.
The movie also taught me something. The leading male character avoided the places which reminded him of his time with his spouse. Towards the end of the show, he decided to face it and even brought his children to where he started his relationship with his spouse, telling his children,’ This is where possibility started.’ What he meant was his confession of feelings to his spouse which started their relationship led to the birth of his beautiful children. He had that insane bravery to express his feelings to her though he was scared. That scene was nice and warm. They saw their imaginary deceased beloved one smiling. The man asked the imaginary deceased beloved why such an awesome (or beautiful) (Can’t remember which adjective he used but along that line.) woman loved someone like him and the woman smiled with a reply,’ Why not?’ I guess when it comes to love, there is no calculation or measurement. You just love the person as who he is.
Though she was not around anymore, her spirit was still around as explained by the male character to his daughter. Her spirit had become part of the Spirit of Love in their hearts. To be precise, her spirit is part of the Spirit of Love in God’s plan. The encounter with everyone in our lives can never be replaced by anyone because everyone is God’s unique masterpiece and every encounter is unique. When a person dies, no matter how dear she is to me, I will never look for anyone to replace her. She is a unique spirit loving me in a very personal way which no one else can replace. Her spirit is part of the Spirit of Love kept in my heart for me to pass the love on to the others. My aunt has just lost her spouse to cancer. She has shared with my mum that she cannot get used to his absence. I went for the funeral wake and saw her. I could feel her intense feelings inside though she tried to fight her tears back. It does not matter how long a couple walk together. It matters how they walk together. It’s the process that matters since the destination is the same anyway which is death. I should say that my aunt and my deceased uncle had wonderful married life which could serve as a good example for married couples to learn from. They seldom quarrelled. My uncle was a simple man who drove my aunt around on his bike for breakfast every morning. He took care of all the bills at home so that my aunt would not have to worry a thing. My aunt is an easygoing person who is loved by many of us. Though their married life was simple, we could feel their blessings as couple. I really hope that my aunt would go through her bereavement with comfort and support from friends and loved ones. It is hard for her but I hope she will find new meaning in her bereavement and continue her life with courage and warmth. I could not do much since I seldom talked to her. All I could do was my presence during the funeral wake and held her elbow to comfort her. We also talked about cancer and I explained abit more about it. At least, by talking things through, she could find some release. Most women find comfort and even solutions by talking things through with others. I hope my little part did comfort her. Other than that, I would ask my mum to call her and see how she is getting on since she is closer to my mum nowadays. My mum does mention to me that my house has turned into a refuge. When people have problems or are dying, they seem to come to us for help or attention. I guess it is good that while we can, we help as much as we can. From it, we also learn to appreciate life at a deeper level and give thanks to God for the people still in our lives.
I think nothing is better than the mere presence of our loved ones and friends in our lives. Just before Christmas Eve, I met my group of friends. I just got my iPhone a few weeks ago and my friends wanted me to download Whatsapp to my iPhone so that we could chat. As I was curious, I began to play with it with my friends around me. That started with all of us communicating through Whatsapp and our table was dead silent until one of my friends told us the atmosphere was getting weird since we were all there physically and yet we communicated through Whatsapp. All of us laughed. I really appreciated what he said. It was true that why we focused on the typed text through the phones instead of enjoying one another’s presence. Nothing is more important than to be able to enjoy the presence of our loved ones and friends. Text through the phones is still abstract afterall. What is more prominently felt is one’s presence. If not, Jesus would not have incarnated for us to experience God’s otherwise abstract Love. Surviving on the abstract Word alone which is the bible is not complete. It must be lived out through our bodies and how we use our bodies to ‘speak’ depends on whether it is out of Love or pride. That is why I think this saying is true, ‘Out of sight, out of mind.’ I always believe in that. Words can only do this much but they can never replace the quality time spent together with one another. To me, sometimes, a couple do not have to say much. It can be romantic just to be silent and be in each other’s presence. It is a blessing to do things together or even exercise together.
That’s all for my sharing in this blog entry. The new year is coming. Happy New Year! Any wishes for the new year? For me, I hope to get a job where I can make full use of my strengths, gifts, passion, interest, personality and temperament to contribute positively to the organization and I can learn from leaders who are competent with wisdom and integrity. If it is God’s will for me to get married, I pray that no more weird guys expressing feelings to me which freak me out but according to God’s will, a guy who will be my spouse to nurture and build a relationship with me out of love and acceptance of me including my flaws and weak health and lead me closer to God, and for me to have the courage to overcome my fear to accept and love him as who he is. Each day is a hope. A new year, a new start. Always remember not to hold back expression of love to people whom you love by embarrassment, pride or lack of courage. It just takes 20s of insane bravery to express your true feelings of love to save you and your loved ones involved from a lifetime of embarrassment!
With Love,
Elena
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