Hurray! Christmas Day is coming soon. Have been busy planning for Christmas gathering at home for my family. For the celebration this year, I will not be celebrating in the church during Christmas Eve. Instead, I will be celebrating with my family members, gathering a few families together. I am the main organizer for it. I have always loved gathering. Have not done that for Christmas for years. The last time I organized such gathering was more than a decade ago at my aunt’s place. For the celebration this year, the scale is the biggest. The objective is to share our Love with one another. A few of us are looking forward to this celebration together. My mum, cousin and aunt will be helping me to get the food since I do not know how to choose fresh food. (Ok, I have not really done any marketing or house chores at home. I don’t even know how to cook. So, I really need help!!!)
I know it is wrong for me not to go back to the Catholic church for the celebration since this special occasion is about Christ. I admit that my church friend asked me to go for the penitential service yesterday at my church which I have rejected. Most probably, I no longer find the meaning of spending time in church with people I am not comfortable with anymore. I do not see the meaning of it. Most of them will want their ‘types’ to be around. Eversince the Year of the Priest musical play where they only recruited their ‘own people’ for help, I have given up trying to fit in. But, I have never forgotten Jesus. Without him, I would have died long time ago. I do examine my sins daily and lift them up to God. Without Jesus, I know I can easily go wayward. I still believe in my faith. I still believe in the Nicene Creed and recite it from time to time. I know it does not make sense to recite it since I do not go to church. But, God knows my heart. I do not need to explain to anyone. They can think whatever they want. I no longer care.
For the Christmas this year, instead of going for mass with people whom I am uncomfortable with and I have to put up with the act with them which I have always been disgusted with, I rather spend time with Jesus through my family and friends though they may not be Christians and yet I feel the spirit of sharing. December has always been my busiest month yearly since there is a lot of gathering. My focus for this year is on strengthening the bond among the families. So far, so good. This Christmas planning has even led to Chinese New Year planning next year. No words can express how happy I am inside. This is my way of evangelizing. It is all about Love. A few of my family members are generous with their money for such gathering since I am unemployed. I am really thankful for the contributions as no amount is too insignificant. We may not be rich but such simple gathering is rich to the souls. My little nephew and niece will be joining us for the first time too. Hurray!
I wonder how my ex formation leader is. I have not contacted him since my last email and sms. I wonder how he is now. How about my priest? Is he coping well with his cancer? How about my dear Fr JJ from IHM? I wonder how he is coping now. As for my uncle, my uncle has been getting in and out of the hospital. Now, he can no longer take any food but is on drip. We are not sure how long he can take it. My grandfather is doing okay in the nursing home. But, it upset me when he is getting cookies from others even though we have bought some for him. As for him, we have asked our uncle to drive him to our house for reunion dinner during Chinese New Year Eve. I am not sure how he is feeling inside. According to my mum, he is always very happy whenever my mum visits him. I have been feeling very bad towards him. When I was watching ‘Money Not Enough 2’ on last Saturday, I feel that his predicament is similar to the mother who was kicked around by her children in the movie as she fell sick and lost control of her urination. No words could express how upset I felt over my grandfather’s situation now. My parents will take turns to visit him weekly. My family is poor. We can’t give him much. The only bit we can doi s to buy his favourite food for him to enjoy weekly, Hopefully, he will feel the family love from us and never feel that he is unwanted. Deep inside, I still respect him as my learned and strong grandfather. These people have been in my prayers regularly. I know God will take good care of them.
Ok, I have to go to sleep now since I have been falling sick again. Sigh! I have skipped another voluntary duty due to my stomach cramp and low blood pressure. I would not want to trouble anyone and attend to me instead if I faint since I am required to stand for hours. This is the second time I have skipped it due to my health. How are you spending your Christmas this year? Anyone around you needs this Love to be shared, especially, the lonely ones, the sickly ones, the orphans, the poor, even your own loved ones who miss you, etc.? There is always someone you may reach out to and embrace. It’s just a matter of whether you care to open your eyes and look out for them and give them your attention. Even reading the news or watching movies may become tools to remind us of the various needy people and provide us the platforms to pray for them. Simple prayers may also be gifts for these people as we remember them and appreciate them as gifts through our prayers. I hope you are enjoying your Christmas no matter where you are. You are never lonely for there are many needy people out there going through it with you and also people who miss you. Fasting may be a way of sharing such emptiness through Love with them, enriching one’s soul. So, if you are feeling lonely or uncared for, fasting helps to enrich oneself, keeping in mind of the hungry ones, be it in physiological or psychological form. Whenever you find yourself lonely, close your eyes and visualize Jesus embracing you. If you are feeling cold, get yourself a cup of hot chocolate, warming your body and heart with Jesus’ warm blood flowing through your body. So, never where you are, you are never alone for Jesus is with and in you wherever you are. :)
With Love,
Elena
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