Have been receiving bad news yesterday. Mood very down. I did not go for the full month celebration of my friend's son, partly also due to heavy downpour. Instead, I went for massage as the appointment has been changed to yesterday since they have something on on next Wednesday. They did cupping for me during the massage session. People may think that I am wasting money to enjoy the massage sessions. Actually, far from it. I personally do not enjoy whole body massage. Due to my health issue and poor blood circulation resulting in cramps, aches and sleepless nights, I have to go for massage for better blood circulation. I have been warned from time to time that if my problems persist, I may run the risk of getting stroke. I am also aware of that without their warning. I have been getting serious migraine more often and my stiff neck is becoming more serious. The cupping done yesterday was very painful and it left my body with ugly bruises since my condition has been bad. Well, who will want to waste money exchanging for pain and discomfort and bruises? I just have to go for the sessions. Then, I am better enough to wake up for exercises. If not, I can't even get up to go for morning exercises as my body is too weak.
I have received three bad news yesterday. My church friend told me the condition of one of my priests due to kidney cancer is not optimistic. The Archbishop has anointed him and he has left it to God entirely. I got quite upset as he used to treat me quite well and I really appreciate for what he has done for all of us though he might have misunderstood me in some ways. Anyway, he is still a human being with flaws after all. I never bear grudges against him though I am quite hurt. No matter what, it hurt me to see him in such state. I could not hold my tears when I saw how skinny and weak he was many months back when he came back to celebrate mass with us. I cannot do anything for him. All I can do is to pray for him and email him once in awhile to show him that I care and I am always there for him. I have always wanted to visit him but I think he is too weak to see many people. So, I have not visited him, giving him more time to rest and for him to spend his time with his family and other parishioners closer to him. That will help him more. I really hope that he will go through his ordeal with courage and love and peace until he is called to be home with the Lord.
The other bad news is my uncle, suffering from stomach cancer, is not doing well. It seems that the doctor has stopped all the treatment. Now, my uncle has to depend on his will to live to continue with his life. I am not sure how my aunt is going to take it. According to my mum, my uncle’s appearance has changed tremendously. It is very painful to see how a healthy person’s appearance changes into someone beyond recognition at times. I am sick of going through that. But, I have no choice whether I like it or not. My poor aunt is so exhausted running to and forth between her home and the hospital.
The last bad news is my grandfather has gone back to the hell which is the filthy nursing home. He has requested to go back there, giving an excuse that there are other old folks to talk to him while nobody talks to him at home most of the time. I think it is an excuse. If he did not want to go home, he would not have gone back willingly at first. I think he wants to go back to the nursing home as he can no longer control his urination and he fell in the coffeeshop when he went out alone. He might have overheard the complaints from my relatives who were staying with him in the house. He may be feeling himself useless and unworthy and a disgrace. I really hope that he is not giving up hope on himself by going back to that hell. I keep on sensing that from him and I feel very upset inside and yet I do not know what to do. I can’t even communicate with him as I can’t speak his dialect. Why am I so useless? Why can’t I hold on to a job and earn more money for him to stay in a better home? Why didn’t I study hard so that my pay will be higher as a graduate? I ask myself a lot of questions. No matter how many questions I ask and how upset I am inside, I still cannot help my grandfather. All I can do is to visit him when my mother goes since she can be my translator and pray for him. It is very scary to wait and see who will be passing on first. I am feeling very sick inside. It is that feeling and horrible anticipation again. Whatever lah!
I was quite angry with my colleague. Let’s call him AK here. AK claimed that he wanted to treat me as I am leaving the organization. Guess what? He asked me to go to the stall early and queue up for the fish soup which tends to be popular there and there is always long queue. I still went there early even though his subordinate told him directly that he was insincere by doing that to me. He came and joined me and saw that the queue was too long. Then, we decided to go for another stall. The queue was much shorter. He looked at his watch and told me he was going to be late for his table tennis tournament. I told him we could always have lunch together next time and forget about this. What pissed me off was he was just making use of me to buy food for him so that he could eat after his tournament. I wanted to go for a walk but he insisted on me getting food for him. I wanted to be heartless and ignored his request. But, I could not leave him hungry and I did that feeling very angry inside. If he wanted me to buy food for him, he did not have to lie to me that he wanted to treat me. Just tell me he needed help from someone to buy food for him and I would do it willingly. Why stooped himself to such level? This self centered behaviour of his has been consistent in his work, in his team, in organizing the outing with me for the department. He only cared about himself and did not care about anyone else. One of his subordinates is dying from work. The normally cool and collected her has been losing her cool lately and she has been asking for help. And yet, he did not care much and continued to leave the office on time, leaving her working late daily. I simply do not understand how he gets away from all these things. I can only conclude that not all leaders are capable with integrity. It does not mean that if you are up there, you are definitely capable and competent. All you have to do is to do the right thing at the right time in front of the right people. Like what the monster has told my RO before, it is all about packaging. Well, she has been promoted two levels up. I guess she is right. I also see that in church too and these leaders are very popular and seem holy among the people. The truth does not matter. Well, this is how the world works. I have to accept it whether I like it or not.
I am pretty lost now. I am trying to be more selective in my jobs as I really hope to stay in an organization beyond two years. I am feeling very frustrated inside why I keep losing jobs no matter how hard I have tried, even to the point of damaging my health. I get angry with myself that I lose focus very easily. I can’t even complete learning foreign languages, music, dance, etc., since I get distracted and bored very easily. It is no use that I learn things very fast according to the instructors but I forget just as fast. The boredom is overwhelming. My RO was cute. She asked me why I have never thought of opening a cafe since I like coffee and pastries and cakes so much. I also know. Where do I get the money? I am not tai tai. I am just a poor employee who has been underpaid. I told her I do not mind serving coffee and beverages at coffeeshop, with the waist pouch around my waist shouting customers’ orders. My RO got quite shocked by my answer and explained to me that I could not make it for such position. She told me I could always open a cafe. She is sharp in pointing out my dream. Yes, I dream to have my own cafe as I enjoy seeing people gathering with friends and loved ones at the cafe strengthening their bonds with one another. So what? I have to face reality. I am poor. Forget about daydreaming. There are many dreams that I yearn to fulfil will never come true even after I have died such as studying in a recognized university (I promised my deceased teacher in front of her casket to get in before 21 years old. How old am I now? I still have not stepped in. All my friends are graduating from universities. I am the only idiot with Diploma certificate.), exploring the world, especially Europe where the culture is rich and I love the arts, becoming a model (too old to do that now), seeing myself in evening gown (Have never attended any high end parties and will never have a chance since I belong to lower middle social class), dancing (How to do that with injured bad left knee?), marrying a spouse who loves and accepts me as who I am (Impossible at all since I am eccentric and difficult according to the others. I have tried very hard to improve but still can’t fit into mainstream.), having a family and house of my own with children (I am too old to do that), owning a futuristic white house near the sea, having a cafe business with my spouse for people to have a place to bond with their friends and loved ones over food and beverages, etc. There is this Malay couple having a stall selling kueh, beverages in the hawker centre along Amoy Street near my workplace. They enjoy their work very much and they never fail to cheer me up whenever I buy things from them. Their business is no longer a chore, a work. It is their enjoyment. Life is simple for them. But, I can feel they are enjoying what they are doing. I really envy them.
I can only dream. I thank God that I can still dream. Actually, my friend did not have to remind me I will never marry a rich man. Well, I have never dreamt of that. A person ever told me to dream on. He was right. But, he has never known that I do not even dare to dream of that. Call me inferior. I am not. I know my limits. I have never tried to be part of the upper or even upper middle social class. I feel uncomfortable with them. I find it a joke whenever people told me I look like a rich tai tai or rich girl from good school or a US university graduate. Yes, like real. I am far from it.
Harsh reality has taught me hard enough to depend on myself and never dream too much. I really do not know what lies ahead of me. The worst thing is nowadays, most organizations even look at the appearance. How do I compete against the others? I do not even pass my own appearance according to my own worldly standard. Sigh! What can I do? I have nothing to depend on now. I only have God. If I can survive till now, I can get through challenges ahead alone. I have been facing challenges alone, even results of certain biopsies. I know I can make it. I do socialize from time to time but feel disconnected somehow.
Will my life be ever changed? I really don’t know. Now, I can only do my best. I am very tired at times. Who is not? At least, I still have Jesus to go back to. I do not have many friends and I am pretty much alone. I have to get used to that since I am aging and most of my friends are busy with their families. Hopefully, I can try to save up money for myself to stay in an old folks home when I am old. As for my dreams, I can only fantasize about them behind the closed doors of my room. Recently, I like to listen to this music from the Secret Garden Korean OST series, titled Guardian Angel. Most people have their spouses or close friends as their guardian angels. For me, I listen to this song to emo whenever I get too upset. I used to confide in a person through emails. Only he seemed to understand what I was talking about and I felt comfortable with him. Since he has left, I have stopped all contacts with him and even stopped reading what he post online and stopped going to any churches. I want to disappear from places where he may appear as I want him to have a new start. I have disturbed him enough. I know he is leading a joyful and fulfilled life overseas and he has many people who love him and will walk through his life journey with him. So, I have stopped confiding in anyone since then. At least, this music helps me to get in touch with my feelings. Maybe, my guardian angel is my deceased teacher since I name myself after her as my baptism name. If it is God’s will for me to get married, I will accept the man he blesses me with. If not, I will continue to lead my own life wandering and continuing helping others along the way until I die. Health has been my biggest cross. No point lamenting. I just need to try to find ways to improve my health. I do not believe in blaming fate, people or parents for the challenges or obstacles in life. I have the free will to choose what I want to do with my life.
Ok, I have to go to sleep. Hopefully, I can sleep well tonight. I can’t remember the time when I can sleep throughout the whole night without any dreams. Hopefully, I will not see some people I have let go of in my dreams again and I will not sense anything from them again since I have truly given them my blessings and moved on. All I want is for them to be joyful and live life to the fullest as their true selves created by God.
With Love,
Elena
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