Have just received a call that my uncle who has been suffering from stomach cancer has just passed on in this morning. I wonder how my aunt is coping since he has been really dear to her. Sometimes, being husband and wife does not mean that you have really dear to each other. At least, in my aunt’s case, they are really dear to each other. Besides, my cousin is pregnant. I hope that she is taking it well since the whole family is closely knitted. To my uncle, it is a relief. He has been getting in and out of the hospital very often. It exhausted the family and himself. It has come to a stage where he could no longer eat at all for the past few weeks. More or less, we were anticipating him to pass on soon. So, now, he is relieved from his suffering.
I want to go for his funeral wake, mainly to see my aunt and pay my last respect to my uncle. My mum, as usual, being superstitious, refused to let me go, claiming that my Chinese horoscope clashes with one of the gods. She has been doing that and I have to keep on tolerating her. I have missed a few funerals just to avoid the conflicts. But, for this funeral, I can no longer tolerate such superstitious nonsense. I told her off. I know I sounded rude but I think she is too much. I asked her if my Chinese horoscope happens to clash with one of her gods in the future, does it mean that I can choose not to go for her funeral? She kept quiet. I know I sounded rude. But, I think she has to wake up. At this time, my aunt needs our support. Anyway, it is part and parcel that everyone has to die someday. By avoiding funerals does not mean that I will not die. I will still give in to my mum by giving her the peace that I will shower with the flower holy water after coming back from the funeral wake on Sunday night. I also explained to her that it does not make sense that I went for my cousin’s wedding and yet I avoided my uncle’s funeral due to some illogical superstition. What is more important; to follow some blind superstition or to provide any support to my aunt at this time? I told my mum if she refused to let me go, I will go there by myself. Anyway, I am a Catholic. I believe God will protect me wherever I go. This is not the time to avoid but to show that I care with my presence at the funeral wake. My mum gives in and we are going for the funeral wake on Sunday night.
I guess I have this problem of bottling things up until I blow up all at once. Most of the time, in order to maintain the peace in a family or community or even among friends, I will try to tolerate for at least one year with a person’s repeated nonsense. Sometimes, when I blow up at once, people thought that I am temperamental. Recently, I think my tolerance towards a friend has reached my neck. I am not aware that I have got enough until I met another friend yesterday that I confided in her. I shall name that friend as A here. Whenever I get any good jobs, A will try to put me down by telling me my employer employed me because she was forced to do so by her boss, I may have got through my first interview but I may not pass my test, etc. She even compared her grade and position and pay with me which I have never divulged such information to avoid any ill feelings from her. She even went down to the level of criticizing my appearance and even my features. Whenever she does such thing, the first thing I would always do is to reflect on myself, asking myself if I have been boasting about my achievements or appearance or have ever put her down. I honestly have not. I even help her in her work and projects and constantly encourage or comfort her whenever she calls me. I don’t need her to praise or appreciate me. I just hope that she will stop her nonsense before I blow up with my sharp tongue. We have another good friend who is no longer as close to her anymore as she also did that to that friend until that friend could no longer tolerate her insult. My friend has asked me to talk to her. I am still thinking how I should put it across to her without hurting her since she has inferiority complex.
I have minimized my socialization as I feel it meaningless. I do not know how to act and I find many people like to compete. I have got no interest in any competition against anyone, especially loved ones and friends. Office politics is enough at the workplace. All I want is to be myself and enjoy my time with my loved ones and friends. If I really want to compete, I would have done so. But, I simply have got no interest to win. So what if I win? Will it be inscribed on my tombstone when I die one day? The only person I compete with is myself. Am I a better person as years pass by? Have I walked closer to God or turned into a monster towards Satan? I may look aggressive or fierce. If not necessary, I hate to scold people. I know I have very sharp tongue which is why I tolerate with a lot of nonsense till I can no longer take it.
Life is precious. It is not about winning. It is about how to live life to the fullest. We are not here to tear one another down. We don’t need to waste the energy and time to do that ourselves. Let the natural disasters do that. We are here to build one another up. So what if you win the whole world but no one shares your achievements and joy with you? Worse still, it leaves others cursing you behind you. It may take three years to build close relationships but it may take only three minutes to break them. Why break the relationships over senseless competition? By putting others down, deep within yourself, does it mean that you are any prettier, more capable or smarter? You know that the facts are still there that everyone has traits better than the others, better than you and vice versa. By putting others down, the ugliness in you is even more prominent. It goes to show the brokenness in you. Instead of going around hurting others and pulling others down to place yourself in a more delusional superior position, why don’t you see how you can improve on yourself so that you are truly a better person, you can then proudly tell God and others that you are a better person today than you were yesterday? Then, you use your talents and gifts for the good of others.
Nowadays, individualism is overemphasized that some people may step on one another’s toes to get what they want. Yes, it is healthy to embrace yourself as who you are, as a unique child of God. It is important to have healthy ego. But, it does not stop there. It is about how you are going to use your unique qualities and gifts to complement others’ unique gifts and talents so that everyone and share God’s Love by coming together as the different parts of the body of Christ with Christ as the head. The healthy ego is essential for you to love yourself in Christ way so that you can stretch yourself to love others in Christ way, fulfilling the second commandment of loving thy neighbour as thyself.
Ok, that is all for my sharing in this blog entry. Basically, I really don’t know if anyone bothers to read my blog entry. Anyway, that is not my concern. I still write it to leave it as my legacy of Love. If anyone needs any words from me, God will direct the people to this blog. If not, it is a way of expressing my ideas and thoughts that are all clogged in my small brain. I have been sick for too long. Hopefully, if my health and the weather permit, I hope to go back to the stadium to jog. Then, I will visit my grandfather after that. On Sunday night, I will be going for my uncle’s funeral wake. On Monday, shopping spree and KTV with friends again! Next week is the Christmas week. I will be busy shopping for grocery and food for my family gathering at home during Christmas Eve. The day before Christmas Eve will be gathering with friends. Come to think of it, I still have not bought any presents for gift exchange. No matter where you are, see how you may make this season of giving interesting. It is not just giving generously out of Love but also to receive with gratitude. Even if you do not receive any gifts, the birth of Christ should remind us of our own births as gifts from God for us to enjoy what we have so far in life. As long as we live, we have hope. Always remember that there is always the sun behind the dark clouds....
With Love,
Elena
No comments:
Post a Comment