Just come back from the movie after a gathering with some old friends. At first, I was hesitant about going for the gathering as I know one of the friends, as usual, would talk about the guy who used to be close to me. She has done that deliberately for more than ten years to prove that that guy likes her more than me. Isn’t she tired of it? I guess a leopard cannot change its spots is apt on her. I am quite amused that she is still feeling insecure and does that at her age. Basically, I do not really mind but I think she should stop it as it makes the whole atmosphere uncomfortable since my friends have to entertain her by teasing her to be that guy’s date. Personally, I just hope that the guy who used to be close to me to be successful in his career and marry a woman who loves him dearly and grows old with him and set up a family with him out of Love. I just feel sad that things ended up for us in a way that whenever there is a gathering, it is either he or me who is present since he does not seem to forgive me. Maybe, I have hurt him too deeply. I don’t know. Well, as long as he is fine, I am happy for him.
I have been busy with my job interviews and tests for the jobs. It is tiring for me. I have passed the first interview for one of the jobs that I like. But, I think I am going to flunk the test as I did it at home and I was very distracted by my nephew. He cried and wanted to look for me. When I got him out of the room, he was crying. So, there goes my job. I was quite upset at first. In the end, I just see it as a blessing in disguise. Maybe, the job may not be as suitable for me as I deem it to be. I lift it up to God. So far, mostly, statutory boards and government agencies responded to my application. I have one more to go on this Thursday.
During last week, I received another bad news and a false alarm. This bad news is my ex formation leader in RCIA has advanced stage of liver cancer and the cancer cells have spread. I have emailed and smsed him. He has not responded so far. I leave him alone to spend his time with his family and friends. In my email and sms, I just wanted him to know that I care as a friend and I am there with him in my prayers. All I can do is to pray for him. I have been praying for 4 people who are critically ill and are either close to me before or my relative. One false alarm was from the church. Two church friends smsed me early in the morning that my priest was at the eleventh hour of his death. After that, no further news from them until I smsed one of them for the updates. Then, she clarified that he was recuperating at home. I really hope that these people who are passing the information to the others try to be more prudent and accurate in their information. If not, it may cause unnecessary distress to the recipients and seem to be cursing the victim mentioned. It is no fun. If there is any mistake in the information, the informers should clarify. No matter what messages we pass to the others, we should be responsible for our words. In fact, I got quite frustrated with these informers for such information and yet never bother to update us again giving us an impression that my priest was dying.
My grandfather has gone back to the nursing home. My parents and relatives have been taking turns to see him. He seems happy there. I have not had the chance to visit him as I have been falling sick. In fact, I have missed one walk that I have registered for and a day of voluntary duty as I fell sick suddenly. I also don’t know what happen to me. I can suddenly have difficulty waking up and fall sick. If not, I can suddenly have fever for no reason. Till now, I have not had a chance to visit my grandfather since I do not want to spread the virus to him.
I was watching a movie titled 50/50 as my reflective material just now. It was about a 27 years old man fighting his cancer. He did his research online and found that he only had 50% of survival with such rare spinal cancer. As I was watching the show, a lot of things went through my mind as usual. I had the chance to get in touch with my deeper feelings. I was looking from the perspective of a loved one of the terminally ill person. When a terminal disease strikes, not just the sufferer is tortured but also the close friends and loved ones; the stronger the bond, the more painful it is to see the loved one suffering from such incurable disease. More than a decade ago, a loved one left me. I did not spend the last moment with her, not even a chance to apologize. I know God has forgiven me and she has never blamed me for anything. I know I am forgiven. But, such regrets are die hard facts that are with me for the rest of my life. When she was still around, I kept on praying to God innocently that her disease would be transferred to me so that she would not have to suffer daily and could continue to enjoy quality life with her loved ones and friends and continue to teach more students with her passion. Who knows she died even more tragically? For a period of time, I blamed myself for praying to God such prayers and I was scared of praying for anyone again for the fear that someone else would die tragically. Over 8 years, God healed me and showed me that He would never abandon me and my loved one’s tragic death had got nothing to do with my prayers through His loving children. As a loved one of the sufferer, I am really scared of seeing the person walking away from me with her back facing me. To me, it is morbid as I visualize the person leaving through the door of death alone. I can’t help it but feel the loneliness and fear in the person travelling through it alone. When she was still around, I kept on asking her to scold me if she was in the bad mood or had got no outlet to vent her feelings. I am not a sadist enjoying to be tortured. But, it pained me more to see the sufferer staring into blank space, looking hopeless. Sometimes, I even felt her frustration and helplessness inside her while talking to her. As the loved one, I even felt guilty for not being able to suffer for her at all. Towards her, I had failed to walk with her till the end as I had chosen to leave her alone with her family and friends, thinking that she would be happier and less worried about me, thus less stress caused by me. However, all she wanted was just a greeting or acknowledgement of her presence from me. But, I had failed to.......From the show just now, the patient threw his tantrum on his friend who went through it all with him in the car. His friend never left him and he even found a book titled Fighting Cancer Together at his friend’s apartment. His friend was always there to walk with him despite his girlfriend’s abandonment of him. How I wish I could be that friend for my loved one for her to continue to throw her tantrums on me till she died. I rather she throws her tantrum on me than experiencing her total absence.
In my previous blog, I did mention that another loved one of mine is suffering from a rare kidney disease. Most probably, at the age of slightly more than one, she has to get her right kidney removed. I do not show my feelings about it much. But, I am deeply upset inside, especially whenever I look at her innocent smiling face. I can’t imagine her going through that. She has been coming to my house daily during weekdays since my mother is taking care of her. Now, I am clearing my leave. I am spending most of my time at home. I am in dilemma at times. I love her alot and yet I am afraid of getting too close to her. Whenever I see her smiling to me or following me around the house, I enjoy her alot and yet I get upset why she has to go through that. At the back of our minds, especially her parents’, sometimes, certain unusual actions or reactions from her scare us as we are not sure if her kidney is going against her or causing her any pain. She is dear to me as I have been hugging her, carrying her, playing with her, talking to her daily though she is not my child. She is very lovable. Sometimes, she would look into my eyes and talk to me with her baby language. Though I do not understand her language, I feel the bond between us stronger. Whenever I reach home, she will always come towards me with her smile with two lovely dimples. I am praying very hard that she does not have to go through the major operation to get the kidney removed. Operations, big or small, carry certain level of risks. I have gone through three surgeries with one of them failing to respond to the LA, resulting in 45 mins of pain from the surgical procedure with the full knowledge of what they had done throughout the procedure which also scared the surgical team. Any body which has gone through the surgical knife will never be the same as before. That is my personal experience. Moreover, she is very young. When I went for her checkup with her once, she was the youngest patient around. I really pray that she will be a strong and healthy person who will do well in life no matter what.
We can’t suffer for the sufferer. What we can do is to fight the disease together with her. She is not going through alone but with us. When a person suffers from terminal disease, quality of life is greatly reduced and dignity as a person is lost as the sufferer can never function and socialize as well as she could in the past. The only way to improve on the quality of life of the sufferer and to show that she is still worthy as an individual is to support and be there for her even if she refuses to open herself for any love at first. I believe true love comes from sincere heart and the Holy Spirit is at work. Any true love comes from God for God is Love. As long as we love with sincere hearts and seek God’s guidance, the Holy Spirit will direct our actions and appropriate words will come out of our mouths will come out at the right time when the sufferer is ready to open up for receiving such love. There is no rush in forcing the sufferer to open up for our love as she also needs time to come to terms with her terminal disease which is part of her cross, part of her. She also needs time to digest such news and adjusts herself to the new lifestyle. Only God knows the time and space for appropriate actions and words to give her hope and comfort her.
Ok, time to go to sleep now. I am on leave now. Have been sleeping alot as I have been feeling very tired. On my last day of work on last Wednesday, my colleagues gave me a mini surprise by giving me what I needed. They gave me Clarin gift set with hand cream, body lotion and shower gel. God really knows my heart. I have been thinking of which French brand of hand cream I should buy as I have peeling skin on my hands since young. So far, due to my very dry and peeling skin on the fingers, I have never managed get through the self check automatic custom clearance at the airports or any customs. I would always be put into embarrassing situations when the custom officers asked to move aside with many people staring at me thinking that I have committed some crimes. What to do? This gift set comes at the right time as I have been wanting to buy hand cream. The monster asked to talk to me on my last day. I don’t know what happened. I suddenly advised her and she confided in me. My colleagues told me I was very daring to advise a group director and they even asked me to consider becoming a counsellor. Well, I advised her as I cared as a person. Till now, I am still not sure why those words came out of my mouth to encourage her to be more confident and we talked about faith and God. It was a surprise to me that she took it very well. I guess it was the working of the Holy Spirit to use my mouth as God’s instrument of Love. Personally, though we had conflicts and I felt tortured and maligned under her, I still think that she has a good nature. Due to some of her personal reasons which I shall not disclose here, she had such nasty and despicable behaviour to protect herself at the expense of her staff. Well, I have done my part in praying for her and even having the audacity to advise her. The rest is up to her. For me, I admitted my mistakes and apologized to her. I am still learning. As long as I am living, I can always improve myself. There is nothing wrong with having flaws. It is just about using these so called flaws in Christ way so that they become positive vehicles to share God’s Love. Just like in the business world, problems or obstacles can be seen as opportunities to do things differently so that things or situations improve, giving birth to innovation or creativity. Don’t be afraid to have flaws. Embrace your flaws as part of you and ask God for guidance to use them in Christ way for a better world and a personal breakthrough in your life.
With Love,
Elena
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