Now, struggling in office to keep my eyes open. Have just taken a cup of Macadamia Nut Latte to keep my eyes open. I also do not know what the heck I am doing. I am falling very sick under medication and yet I am making use of caffeine once again to combat against the drowsiness of my medicine. It is no fun when my body is down once again. I have taken as much vitamin C as possible and yet I am still down. I had difficulty getting up yesterday for work. But, I forced myself to get out of the house. I managed to get to the office only to find my eyes and head painful and feeling nauseous. My eyes and head were so painful that I could no longer open my eyes to look at the computer screen. In the end, I had to go back at around 11am to see a doctor. My sinus and migraine hit me hard. I have been lying on bed over the last weekend because of it. I am going broke from visiting the doctor. As usual, I was forced to lie on bed again. It has been hitting me since last Thursday and I could not go for my jog on last Saturday. I missed exploring MacRitchie Trails with my friend on last Saturday. Sigh! How long do I have to carry this bloody cross? Due to my health issue, I have to restrict my choice of jobs. I cannot go for retail sales as I cannot stand for too long. My spine will be painful that the pain will shoot right up to my brain and the spot light from the shops will cause me very bad migraine. I cannot handle paperwork due to some problems which I cannot help it. Why am I such a pain in the neck? I also do not want to be picky and have even forced myself to do those jobs. But, I really cannot handle them. I guess instead of complaining, I really have to see how I can go around living life to the fullest with my health. Now, I have to depend on the nasal spray for treatment for my sensitive nose for at least one month while taking more medicine. I am simply sick of taking medicine. It is affecting my work. Even my RO is concerned about the amount of medicine I have been taking for more than a month as she claimed that these medicine may spoil my kidney. It is very frustrating for me. But, no point complaining. Hopefully, I am at least well enough to get out of the house for some brisk walk at East Coast Park tomorrow. I seriously need to go on diet as I have put on 5kg within this year. It is very scary. Whenever I put on weight, the more weight I put on, the more sickly I will be. At first, I thought it is my imagination. But, my other friend is also facing such problem. I have to go on diet.
I have bought a Psychology textbook with a discount of 20% from Kinokuniya recently. I guess I have to resign to fate or accept that I will never have any opportunity to study Psychology or go for higher education at University. I am feeling very unhappy inside but this is the reality I have to accept whether I like it or not. Who asked me to flunk my A Level exams when my deceased teacher sponsored me for my studies? Who asked me to be so distracted? Who asked me to be so emotional and upset over my teacher’s death? Why was I such a weakling? Friends may tell me I can always save up. But, for how long? At least, when they are out of jobs, their parents may support them in some ways. Some of them even have parents who have bought some educational insurance for them to study. For me, once I am out of job, I have nothing to fall back on at all. I do not have the confidence to work and study at the same time due to my health. I think I just have to accept that I have to stay put at Diploma level and continue to get such low pay with increasing prices of things around. I am not sure how I am going to support my parents who have zero savings in the future with such pay. I am thinking of ways. Maybe, I should start holding on to two jobs again. I am more alert at night. Maybe, I should work at night as night jobs pay much higher. Yes, detrimental to health but at least, can earn more money. No matter what, I do not believe in complaining. I am looking for ways to earn more money with my low education.
I really enjoy self studying Psychology. One thing I like about Psychology is it gathers studies from different disciplines like Physics, Biology, Philosophy, etc. I have a very low threshold for boredom. So, subject like psychology still holds my attention and interest for more than 10 years till now. Besides, it is practical allowing me to apply my knowledge to help the people around me combining with theology. I am always very scattered in my studies. I am studying my Art Therapy book, Psychology textbook and Soulcraft book all at the same time. I do not find them confusing. In fact, I get very bored with studying on just one book at a time. Anyway, these subjects are interlinked. I have always liked to link all the seemingly unrelated subjects or topics. I still have not touched my Existentialism philosophy. Too bad that Fr Albert Renkens has passed on. If not, I will be following him for the philosophy course. Hopefully, one day, another priest will conduct some intellectual courses. Whenever I go for such courses, I will indulge deeply into them and forget all about my worries and stress. I love exploration in my imagination and mind.
I have watched ‘The Change Up’. I was disgusted with the show as the old woman was stripped naked for some grotesque sexual scene. I could not even set my eyes on the screen for that scene. In fact, I was very embarrassed by that part of the show. I am very curious about sex. I wonder how it is like. But, I still think that such acts are meant to be done behind the closed doors with a spouse. They are just too raw to be displayed for public eyes. I wonder how the old actress felt while acting that grotesque scene and how the men who were involved felt and thought. Ok, that is beside the point. One thing that struck me was when the main male characters exchanged their bodies leading each other’s life. They realized that they are unique as who they are and there is no point of envying other people’s lives. Everyone has his own suffering and tough times. One of them mentioned that things may not go our ways at times but it will lead us to where we are supposed to go as who we are. I gather that things which do not go our ways may not be bad. All we need is to have faith that all things happen are meant for us to learn from to be more complete. This is associated with Steve Jobs’ description of connecting the dots in the past leading to his success. Things may be tough along the way. Sometimes, you may just hope that you were not even born. However, if we hang on, like what one of the leading characters in a Cantonese series has mentioned, out of difficulties, is miracle. If we hang on, we will see miracles.
Well, personally, I am stuck in many ways. I have been stuck in my family situation since Sec 1 and I am still stuck. I get very frustrated that I am one of the victims of someone’s bad habits. Some of my close friends, even my brother, have been asking me to leave that family. Sometimes, I just feel like leaving everything and everyone behind and disappear. But, I can’t do that. If I do that, I will never grow. I will be running away from things for my whole life. I will only shut the doors to seeing miracles. I am not sure where I can go and where I am heading towards. I do not have anyone to turn to. I do not have the luxury of having a spouse to share my happiness and sorrow with. So, I have to make do with whatever I am blessed with instead of lamenting over things I do not have.
Ok, enough of my sharing. Have to go back to work. I am really very tired. I just have to endure for another 2 ½ hours before I can lie on my comfortable bed. If I can't take it, another cup of coffee lo. Fortunately, it is Deepavali Day tomorrow and I can sleep till I drop dead. Hopefully, I can drag myself up for some brisk walk at East Coast Park for some fresh air.
With Love,
Elena
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