Serendipity

This week is a great week. I was on a 3 day course on Developing Confidence in Public Speaking. I literally laughed my lungs out for the 3 days. Not only was the trainer interesting and humorous, the whole group of course mates were fun and creative. A few of us even went for lunch together for those 3 days. I would never feel lonely. In fact, all of us found the course too short. Through this course, I managed to have my practice on public speaking daily. Then, the trainer and my group mates would comment on my speech. Not too bad. I did well in general. My course mate commented I looked 'too cool' and confident when I was behind the rostrum. I guess that is the first impression I give people in general. There was one speech where I was sharing about my pastime. I did well for this particular speech. My trainer commented I did it with great conviction. I did well for this pseech as I believe in what I shared with them.

Guess what I shared. It wasn't bowling, clubbing, reading or even sleeping. It was life sharing. What did I mean by life sharing? It is about sharing life stories, meaningful quotes, etc. I started my speech by asking a question for them to ponder on. Have you ever pondered on what life is about? I also ended my speech along that line by emphasizing on life is not just about myself but to be shared with others so that my world and the worlds of the others will connect and the world is bigger. I guess that is what it means by expanding the Kingdom of God. For this speech, I got mainly positive feedback from group mates and trainer. During one of our lunch break, my Muslim course mate and I discussed about life and God. I enjoyed the discussion with him. Basically, this group was interesting. They came from all walks of life in different shapes and colours but it never deterred us from mingling with one another and working on the various assignments together.

God really knows what I need. I have been having headache and feeling nauseous since Monday. As my house would be noisy with kids around, I decided to stay away from my house to watch a movie last night. Wow, I really felt like an empress. I went for the premiere service in the cinema at Nex. Of course, the price paid was triple the normal movie ticket. I enjoyed myself as the theatre was dark and the seat was spacious. Though spacious, the design of the chair was not for me as the support did not really support my neck and my legs were too long to be fully stretched. I still enjoyed the quiet moment. I was all alone in the theatre. So, the service crews only served me. I guess it is nice to pamper myself once in a while so that I really enjoy such rare pamper from such exclusive service. God has blessed me with that much needed peace and darkness for my migraine to be suppressed. When a migraine sufferer is going to have or is having migraine, she needs a quiet and dark place to rest. Whenever I am struck with migraine, I feel like a ghost as I need to avoid lights and noise as they will overload my senses.

I was watching 'What is your number?'. It was about how many men a woman would sleep with before she settled down with a man through marriage. The female leading character slept with 19 men before she settled down with the man who also slept around with a lot of women before her. The show was quite boring. What struck me was the man asked the female leading character to be herself, to be who she was but not according to what people wanted her to be. Finally, the woman followed her heart and stopped living according to people's opinions, especially her mother's. Instead of following a rich man whom her mother liked and wanted her to marry him to foreign countries, she faced herself and remained in US for the man who loved her for who she was and wanted to settle down with her despite the disagreement and chastisement from her friends and mother.

Once again, I heard God speaking to me through the show and my 3 day course. I do not think it was purely coincidental that the message of be yourself and listen to your inner voice keep on appearing through different channels to me. God is encouraging me to continue to be myself. It was no coincidence that Steve Jobs' speech at the Stanford University was played during my course for us to critique on. That gave me a chance to reflect deeper into his speech. Steve Jobs mentioned about looking back to the past was to connect the dots and see how the connection led him to his success in Apple today. To summarize, this is what is known as Serendipity. According to Dictionary.com, it is defined as 'an aptitude for making desirable discoveries by accident'. Such serendipity in the realm of Christianity means that everything, whether suffering or blessing, in our lives will never be put to waste. They teach us lessons and lead us to be who we are and walk closer to holiness if we have the strong faith to be who we are with brutal honesty and open ourselves to God. Such openness does expose us to hurt, pain, discomfort, etc. However, as long as we have faith, God as our Creator, will lead us throughout our lives. He will help us to see the dots if we spend regular quite time with Him. We will not lose hope. In fact, we will see the meaning of our suffering, hardship rejection in a new Christ light. Like Steve Jobs, if he had not dropped out of his college, he would not have gone for a typography course which he truly enjoyed ultimately led him to produce the beautiful fonts and visually appealing setting for Apple. He would not have shared this serendipity of connecting the dots from the past.

Whatever you are going through, be it rejection, suffering or any forms of hardship, they will lead you to success as long as you have strong faith and never give up. God is always there for us. There is always this Higher Power for us to rely on. Listen to the inner voice. For us, it is the Holy Spirit who will lead us. As long as we are willing to be true to ourselves stripped off all the masks, the voice of the Holy Spirit will be clearer since we connect our true selves to God without the masks as the barriers that block God from speaking to our core selves. Personally, I have faced a lot of rejection and ostracization. If you ask me honestly whether I blame or do not forgive anyone for that, I confess honestly that I may be angry or upset with those people involved during those moments. Now, I am not angry or upset with anyone. I just accept that they do not accept me and I move on. It is very tiring to hold on to grudges. I do not have that capacity to hold grudges. If I were to do that, I will explode. In fact, I am thankful that I went through the hardship; I become stronger and more independent.

When I was in Secondary school, I knew what I wanted and listened to my heart. I even went against the principal to appeal for the course I wanted. My principal thought I was stubborn and I would be wrong in my decision. I was the only student who managed to get what I wanted. I was not trying to be rebellious. I just knew what I wanted and what I was good in. True enough. The only distinction I got was the subject my principal wanted me to drop. She also predicted my grade for English at O Level and confidently told me I would get that grade. She was wrong. I got two grades higher than what she had predicted. I listened to my inner voice while being misunderstood by many people. I was feeling lonely and sick of the labels slapped right to my face for many years. I guess that was why I decided to live according to people’s opinions which caused me misery inside and depression from time to time. I lose myself. I even have to live with certain regrets for the rest of my life as the person involved is dead. I pay a high price to learn such lesson. If not for God, I would have killed myself many times. The voice from God seems to be louder encouraging me to be who I am as He knows what is going on in me. I have suffered enough living according to others’ expectations and opinions. I know my path is going to be lonely with more labels slapping right to my face again. But, such pain can never be measured up to the misery I have inside. In fact, I was happiest when I was in Secondary school to be who I am even though my parents, many teachers, schoolmates and principal labelled and rejected me. I did have a few friends who went through it all with me. So, now, once again, I just want to be who I am, continuing with the descent into the underworld for my soul. It may be lonely once again. Many friends and my rich relatives would look down on me and leave me as usual. If I am called to be just a barista at Starbucks or a clerk at a small company, some friends and relatives would label me as ‘stupid’, ‘good for nothing’ as most of them are successful in business and careers or are graduates though I may be smarter than some of them. Some of them have been comparing themselves against me. Being smart is no big deal. I still underachieve and most of them are more successful than me. Well, there is always somewhere out there much smarter than me. If they choose to leave me, I am prepared to walk alone. I know God is going through it all with me. If needed, He will send me mentors and friends as usual to journey with me from time to time.

Ok, enough of my sharing for today. I have started my job search yesterday. I am not sure where I am heading towards. In terms of job, I am looking forward to a new start. I have done my body enough damage in my current job. I also am starting my training tomorrow for my Big Walk on 7 November. I am not sure if I am well enough as I am still having migraine and feeling nauseous. Hopefully, I am well enough to go for some fresh air at East Coast Park. I have always loved to jog along the beach. Not only is the air fresh, it allows me to be nearer God through the nature. It will also help me with my descent into the underworld for my soul. It is lonely as usual as I do not have the luxury to have people follow me everywhere or a spouse to walk through my life journey with me. If anything happens, I will rely on the public to call for ambulance. My friend and I went to the zoo on last Sunday. We still have not explored Labrador Park and Pulau Ubin. Somehow, I have the urge to go overseas to start anew. Who knows I may just disappear and venture overseas with the little money I have? If the calling is strong enough, I may just disappear from Singapore.
Never give up on yourself no matter how tough times can be. They are just dots to draw you closer to holiness, to success and joy in life. Have courage!! Be yourself. Steve Jobs ended his speech at Stanford University with ‘Be hungry, be foolish’. With this, I also end my sharing here with ‘Be hungry, be foolish’. :)

With Love,
Elena