Was having a fun filled weekend. I went to sign up for the New Paper Big Walk that will be happening on 7 November 2011. I signed up with a friend. After that, we went on our 'Auntie' shopping. Guess what. We went for 3 games of bowling. After the games, I guess I have strained my nerves so badly that the area near my right elbow swells and I can't even pull a door. Serve me right for going to the extreme lah. We also went for shopping at various places. We walked for the whole day. My legs are still aching especially after more walking from my trip to the zoo with another friend just now. I am feeling the pain and ache from head to toe. I feel good sweating out all the toxins from my body. I seriously need to go on diet as it was rather depressing that I could not fit into most white 3/4 pants that I liked. I am feeling sick from my fats. That aside, I am still thinking of whether I should go for another big walk organized by another organizer which will be held on 20 November. Well, I have been toying with the idea of running a full marathon one day. I know my health condition does not permit me to do so. But, I do find meaning in running a marathon. It is more of a mind and character training for myself. I used to challenge myself to complete 2.4km within set time frame to pass my fitness test in school. No big deal to the others. But, it was a great issue to me. I did finish it within the time frame but would always faint or too weak to walk for hours after each session. My PE teacher also stopped me from running as I was panting and my face went pale. But, I chose to finish it to challenge myself. I know running marathon seems impossible for me. But, I hope to complete it one day. Marathon is just like a life journey. It requires perseverance and mental strength to keep going. It requires to have the faith to know that I can do it no matter how painful or uncomfortable I am feeling in my body. Some people have partners to support them or run with them. For me, I know it is a lonely marathon but I know God is with me to go through it all. Of course, I will not go to the extent of dying for a marathon. I will make sure I am still in one piece after the whole marathon. If I could finish the walk for WYD08 with fever and chest pain with the heavy haversack and still came back in one piece after an asthma attack, I believe I can do it for the marathon one day. I may need more time to prepare for it. But, I am willing to give it a try unless my health fails me totally.
I am currently going through the Soulcraft: Crossing into the mysteries of Nature and Psyche. It is a book from Bill Plotkin. It serves as an experiential guide to the wilderness of the soul. I know it takes on a healthy ego and strong faith in God to go through this descent into the underworld to the soul. It requires one to face the darkness face to face and the process may go haywired if not careful. Somehow, I am very intrigued by it. I think it is time for me to abandon my old beliefs of myself, the expectations and opinions of the others about who I am supposed to be, die to my old self, etc. There is a lot of surrending to and of to be done. I really have to go deep into the underworld to identify and explore who I am through my unique soul which gives me my unique individuality as a child of God and how my uniqueness can contribute to the world and where I stand in the world. I have decided to take this major step as I am simply sick of the life I am having now though I do earn more money, enjoy the material comfort and even luxury meant for the rich, hold on to higher position, etc. I still feel this chronic emptiness and misalignment and misfit which thrust me into depression from time to time. I get sick and tired of conforming to what people want me to be. Anyway, throughout my life, I have gone through the loss of the most importnat person in my life, constant loss of job, hunger, poverty, living in fear due to a rare disorder which was later confirmed as a misdiagnosis after 12 years, almost losing my life, etc. What more can be worse? Anyway, we came into the world naked and what is so scary about leaving the world stripped off from all wealth, status, popularity, fame, etc.?
Instead of complaining and wasting time with such fruitless life, I rather plunge myself into the adventure of soul searching and descent into the underworld. It sounds scary. But, I am excited and scared of this spiritual adventure and discovery. I know I have to keep close to God and I believe God will send people to guide me from time to time as usual. I have always loved to venture into the unknown terrains since young. With my current job comng to an end in end November, I will have more quiet time to hibernate and immerse myself into the nature and find my soul. I know that this is the right time as my RO also asked me to explore my potential which may not be realized and asked me not to try too hard to do things just to fit into the general culture. She warned me it just does not work that way and it will keep coming back to haunt me. She has pointed it out accurately. I do feel miserable conforming to what others want that I keep feeling that I am losing myself again and again. Furthermore, Steve Jobs' messages,
“Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.”
are apt to remind me of not trying too hard to live with the results of other people's thinking. Recently, I told my friend I am thinking of becoming a barista at Starbucks. She gave me the expression as if I were mad, thinking that I was too crazy to fall from an executive to serving people in cafe. To me, so what if I am paid much higher as an executive? I am not happy. I have been abused by bosses for many years. My pay is higher but my health deteriorates. I even have to take in more caffeine to stay focus on details which are impossible for me to concentrate on. I have been forcing myself to work in jobs that are just not for me. But, for survival, I force myself to take the jobs up while having gradual suicide within.
I can't go on life like this. After my job, I need at least one month to recover from the damage that I have done to my health for the past one year with much caffeine and medicine in my body. I also need to recuperate from my emotional and spiritual damage under the leadership of that monster. It is a good time to go down to such spiritual descent and do deep soul searching durng my break. Frankly speaking, many people have been labelling me as ugly, stupid, eccentric, unstable, thick-skinned, etc. I do get upset during those moments when these labels were slapped on me. But, I know I am still loved by God by the fact that I still exist. God is not so stupid as to allow such 'inferior' product to destroy what He has created. The fact that certain waste can be recycled sends me the message that no matter how unworthy or lousy I may feel about myself at times, I have my own worth and values and gifts to others in the world. God can creatively 'recycle' me for use in the world.
My journey into the wilderness of the soul has begun. I even had weird dream that pushed me to go deep into certain regrets. I know it is going to be tough but I agree with Bill Plotkin that it is not enough to go upwards to the Spirit, to God for holiness. To me, I gather that in order to be holy, one does have to go down to the underworld for one's soul to know who he is and how he stands in the world so that he can continue to go upward to go closer to holiness as his unique self within the community. To be holistic, it is essential to strike this balance among the 3 components of going upward to holiness, having healthy ego for daily living and going down to the underworld for deep soul searching. If one does not even know what his soul is and how he stands in the world, how is he going to appreciate himself as who he is as a beautiful masterpiece of God and then finding the right approach and vocation to go closer to holiness through his contribution being God's instrument of Love to share God's love with the others?
My sharing here is just my discovery at the intial stage. I am not a preacher nor a psychologist. It is just my persoanl sharing. That's all for my sharing now. Have to go to sleep. Will be going on course from tomorrow to Wednesday. I am looking forward to my course. I love learning new things. I always believe that one has to keep improving himself to be better and better. Life without growth means being stagnant and it means death. Only when things are dead, they do not grow. I am happy going to the zoo today. It was my first lesson learnt from the nature. I was joking with my friend about identifying some people we know and daily life happening with some animals and the situation we saw in the zoo. Nature has got alot more to offer and enrich our souls. Sometimes, we learn more deeply about ourselves by identifying oursleves with the animals in the nature or situation that we are in with the nature happeing such as storms, natural disaster, animal fighting, etc. Whenever you are lost or confused, go back to the nature to find yourself and get healed. Trust me. God never fails to work through his divine healing through his created nature. :)
With Love,
Elena
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