It's a cold morning again. Now, I am in the office doing my work with the music blasting through the earphones. I am taking a break savouring my Mocha and chocolate cookies after reading about an article on how Steve Jobs has managed his farewell before he passed on.
'The benefit of death, he said, is you know not to waste life living someone else’s choices. “Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition.”'strikes me. I totally agree with such statements made. I guess for most part of my life, I have been trying to living according to people's expectations, especially from those of the authority figures. I am simply sick of that and that has been causing me unhappiness and misery. I am leaving my current workplace. That will give me some room and time to reflect and discern where I should go next. Basically, I have started my new life by first leaving my church which does not help me to grow to be better as a person. In fact, I have been very unhappy and tortured by the politics and pretension though I did try very hard to stay out of it. Well, my task there has been completed and everyone has moved on well. I have moved on. Next, it will be time for me to get out of my current working environment where my RO realizes that I have been struggling hard to get myself toned down and be like everyone else. I am glad to have her as my RO. She looks into my well being. She told me she is glad to let me go as I am torturing myself by forcing myself to fit into such structured and rigid environment with my fluid and free personality. She encourages to explore my potential which I still may not realize and look for a job where my personality can fit in as it is healthier for me to grow. She could see that I have been making very great effort to fit into the rigid culture here by changing myself. Like what my previous RO had told me, I am just a ball trying to fit into the shape of a box. It just does not work. It will just keep on haunting me.
I guess it is timely that I am leaving my workplace and have come across this article about Steve Jobs at this point of time. I think I get it from God that I should stop trying to be normal like everyone else according to what people expect me to be so that I can avoid the labels slapped on me since young. Life is too short for that. The people can label me in whatever ways they want. I simply can't be bothered nowadays. People who truly love me will never stamp me with negative nicknames or labels as if they, themselves, have got no flaws. I can only say that their hearts are only this 'big' to accept people who agree with them or fit into their categories from their limited capacity of mind. 'The benefit of death, he said, is you know not to waste life living someone else’s choices. “Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition.”' Life is too short to live under anyone's expectations. Many times, I have friends or people who come to me for advice which I do not know why though I have often been deemed 'unstable', 'eccentric', 'weird' 'with artistic temperament', etc. for as long as I have lived. Often, I encourage these people to be themselves as I have also seen how they have tried to live according to what people expect of them and they live in misery. Some of them ended up seeing psychiatrist at IMH trying to live up to high expectations of the others. Some have tried to live according to what their parents have expected them to be and finally regret admitting they hate what they are doing and get lost when their parents passed on. I am thankful that these friends and people have confided in me as I have learnt alot from them. I find it a privilege that they trust me and allow such a flawed person like me to get into their inner worlds. No amount of money can buy such experience like how you can always purchase tour packages or air tickets to spend holidays overseas. That is why I love psychology so much. It is not about the study. It is about travelling into their inner worlds with them. It is about connecting our inner worlds with one another's, expanding the Kingdom of God. It is about being travelling companions with one another in life journey. These people may leave your life at anytime or vice versa.
I really have got no idea where I should head towards now. I just know that I have had enough of living up to people's expectations. Nowadays, I just accept that people just can't accept me as who I am even after I have tried hard to fit in. I will just tell myself they do not love me as who I am and I will let them go. I am a child of God and should not allow others to abuse me in any ways. Of course, I am not saying that I can have my own way even if it is not God's way. That should not be my excuse to sin and be wilful. If not, I will behave like an immature kid even in my 40s. I still have my weak areas for me to try to improve on and I will continue to be purified by God for me to be better and better. Christianity is not just about being good. It is about becoming better and better to live life to the fullest as meant for us from God. While I am still here, I have the mission to share God's love through my God-given gifts. For me, this path may be lonely. But, I should have got used to it. I believe God will continue to bless me with true friendships and relationships along my life journey. So far, though I have been insulted and labeled by most people, it is a miracle to me that some people still love me as who I am with a lot of flaws and eccentricity and instability. They are gifts from God to me.
I was advising my friend on last Saturday. As usual, we talked till 2am plus. She was telling me how she wanted to get back at her boss. I was pretty straightforward with her. I told her life is more than holding grudges and getting your ways even though the working culture will never allow you to do so. Life is a big piece of blank paper. And, that issue of getting back at her boss is just a small dot in that piece of paper. If not, it is not even a small dot just like how Singapore is not even a small dot in some of the world maps. Why fret and waste your life on that small dot when life is more than that? I simply do not understand. To me, Jesus' teaching helps us, human beings who tend to dwell into petty things with our small hearts and limited capacity of minds, to expand our hearts to accept and love others who are different from us and see life as more than our petty issues and widen our horizon for some greater which is Love which fills us with joy and peace, leading to fullness of life. Why not continue to move on by drawing a beautiful picture from the small dots in our lives? Maybe, through looking at things from different perspectives, praying for the people involved, etc. instead of cooping ourselves into the individual situations or bitterness? I am not sure how my friend felt. She might feel offended. But, I really do not wish to see her wasting her time on such petty stuffs. If she continues to get into such habits of getting back at boss and dwell into petty issues, she may turn into a leader who micromanages and causes chaos in any organizations in the future, just like the monster in my organization. I really do not wish to see my friend ending up like her in her middle age. I hope to see her happy and do well in life. Even if she is mad at me for being blunt, I hope that the words will help her to see things from a broader view. It hurt me to see her unhappy from time to time from being abused and got angry even to the extent of affectinh her health over things that will not change even if she gets back at them in certain sector as the working culture has been there for years which even the top management cannot change.
One thing I have to admit is though I have been unhappy about how the monster has abused me in some ways, I am thankful that she got me into this organization to learn things from the people here and know some nice people. For this, I sincerely thank her. She also has her own childike traits which appear from time to time. I complain alot about her to my friends and loved ones as I need to vent out my pent up feelings somewhere. But, I am really thankful that she gave me a chance to work here. I also hope that she will be happier in the future as I do not feel good seeing her unhappiness in her normal expression whenever she passes by us.
Ok, back to my work now. I am looking forward to my break in December after this job. I have bought my niece a stroller on last Saturday. It is to bring her out with us in December since the current stroller she has been having is heavy and difficult to fold. I am looking forward to spend more time with my nephew and niece before my niece goes for her operation for her kidney removal next year. Really have been praying that miracle happens and her kidney will function. I really do not see the chubby baby turning into a skinny and sickly girl from the operation. She is too young for such pain and suffering from such major operation. Meanwhile, I enjoy as much time with her. I am very touched whenever they welcome me with big smiles upon reaching home daily from work. They are my precious gifts from God. Trust me. I really feel the genuine love from them whether there isn't a tint of bias or despise. To conclude, life is short. Always remember that 'The benefit of death, he said, is you know not to waste life living someone else’s choices. “Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition.”'.
With Love,
Elena
No comments:
Post a Comment