Just came back from an outing with my family. My image is all gone with me lecturing my nephew in the public as his behaviour was totally out of control. Sigh! I am not even married yet and yet I behave like a mum scolding my nephew for disciplinary purposes if he does not listen at all. My image is all gone. Sometimes, the public has negative comments while passing by us when I am scolding or disciplining him as he is out of control. I feel very embarrassed but disciplining him is more important. If not, he may get into serious trouble or injured. See, I am not a mum and yet my image is all gone like a crazy mother trying to tame a wild animal. Have been feeling unwell. I guess maybe time for a checkup before it gets serious. Hope nothing serious though with some fear.
I visited Buddha Tooth Relic Temple and Museum with the two kids, my mum and sister since they are Buddhists. I get in out of curiosity. I should say that I am utterly impressed with the elaborate decorated and furnished temple with grandeur and reverence. It was a serene environment. They even offer some cushions at two corners of the worship area at Level 4 for meditation. As I was getting into the museum at Level 3, I was in awe by all the efforts and details of the relics displayed, history and description of every Buddha. At Level 2, it is an area for purchasing the statues, ornaments, books, and also a resting place for people to read over cups of beverages sold there. It was all about serenity. I wonder if there is such a place for Catholics. It will be nice to have such similar area where all the history and custom of Catholicism displayed, interactive areas for Catholics to mingle, relics displayed, Catholic teachings described, display of items used by priests, religious sisters and brothers and even priests, vocations available with different orders or congregations depicted, Catholic library with updated books not only for the priests but also open to the public, talks held, activities organized, items sold, etc. all in a building nicely furnished and decorated with stain glasses to tell the stories of God and Jesus and the saints. If there is such a place, you will see me there daily. We have such mini place like the Singapore Pastoral Centre beside the Immaculate Heart of Mary parish along Highland Road. But, I just feel it is not enough. I feel it is more corporate similar to any offices.
Like I have mentioned in my previous blog entry last year, I have always liked to go to the church daily after work away from the busy world. When I was unemployed in the past, I liked to go to the church in the morning to do some reading and spend time with God. I feel at home in the church. Sometimes, some priests would chat with me on certain issues or my youths would come to me for complaints or advice or some people catching up or having fellowship with me. The problem lies with some people think that I am there with hidden agendas or lick the priests’ boots. However, I did not care as I really like the environment where people do not really disturb me and I could do my reading as directed by God. This helps alot as people tend to ask me all sorts of funny questions and I have to better equip myself to help others and not misleading them. Some youths asked me questions like why lesbianism is not accepted by the Catholic church and how she should help her friend who was a lesbian. Some people asked me the differences between Catholicism and Protestant belief and teaching.
Of course, I do not stay in the church so much that I have no time for my family and friends. What is the point of reaching out to others if I don’t even reach out to my family? I do not believe in escapism. If I want to escape, I could have moved out of my house. Some people think that I stayed in church often because I have an unhappy family. If I am unhappy, I can always go somewhere like the pubs or discos or KTV. I just like to be in the place where I see the physical items or statues related to my faith. Seeing is believing does apply here just like the adage, Out of Sight, Out of Mind. I am always very distracted. So, such frequent reminders are necessary for me. Being in church helps me to refocus on God after the daily work and activities which may pull me away from God and placing them above God. Of course, my mentality and heart must change. Transformation should start from the heart with sincerity and repentance. I am still very flawed with some habitual sins but I am very slowly improving according to some friends and reporting officers. Baby steps are better than no steps which mean stagnancy leading to spiritual death. Only things that are dead do not grow. I have seen some people going for daily mass, prayer or devotional sessions and still not transformed. Worse still, they play politics and spread rumours around to gain favours. I find that silly. But, they are still human beings with flaws like me afterall. Maybe, it may take alot more for them to come to certain realization before any transformation takes place to wake them up.
Ok, enough of my sharing here. As mentioned before, I am not here to preach as I am just a layperson. I am sharing my experience as a child of God. If you have any doubts or questions regarding Catholic teachings or faith, please approach the priests or religious brothers or sisters. They are glad to clarify your doubts. If not, you may purchase some books on the relevant issues or topics. I was happily downloading apps to my iPhone for daily mass reading, prayers and any other information about the Catholic faith. Some are free while others are charged at certain prices. I have also found some Taize prayers which I could download online. I was so elated over it. I have always liked the Taize prayers. They seem to calm me down and slow my racing mind giving me peace which I could not find anywhere. I will be in touch with the nature tomorrow with my hiking kakis. That is another avenue to seek God since I am out of church. Hope that my body can keep me going. On Sunday, out with my other friend at East Coast beach in late afternoon. Another chance to spend time with God through nature. Who knows my body may be healed after that? Also hope that I can get a job. I have lost hope after sending months of many resumes until I lose count. Hopeless case. I think I may just get any job and stick to it with bitterness and torture.
We are still in the midst of Lent period. When you feel lousy with no peace, spend time in church or before the Blessed Sacrament. No peace can be found anywhere other than Jesus’. His peace is a blessing with the Spirit of Love which nobody can snatch away. He is always there to welcome you with open arms and smile. Go to Him and rest in His arms with peace. Take care. May peace be with you wherever you are!! :)
With Love,
Elena
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