Just came back from Batam in the last evening. As usual, it was a very last minute trip. We decided to go for the trip and my friend arranged for the ferry and accommodation very early in the morning yesterday. Maybe, God knows that I need to be away from Singapore for this much needed break before I continue with the job search. Nowadays, applying for jobs is different from the past. Sometimes, when I went for some administrative jobs which were desk bound, the interviewers commented that I looked tanned and concluded that I was an active person. Therefore, I was not suitable for the jobs. If not, some of them looked at my results and told me I overqualified. Some even asked me why I do not go for further studies. I even went for production operation jobs. I did not even mind the jobs which was why I went for the interviews and yet I got such comments. Does it mean that I have to bleach myself and look fragile so that they will employ me for desk bound jobs? Can’t they see that the fact I flunked my GCE A Level exams and the fact that I was a Normal Stream student proved that I am not smart and thus, I am suitable for the jobs advertised? Ok, I am stuck now. In some of my previous jobs, even my RO told me I looked more like a supervisor when I had never proven that I was competent or smart and I kept my mouth shut most of the time. Some even claimed that I acted mature and it was good for me. So, what should I do now? To act like an idiot so as to get employed and try to look fragile and soft? I am really stuck now.
When I was in Batam for the first time on last Friday and yesterday, I saw how poor the people were by observing the living condition of the locals there as the cab was passing by the residential areas. I was very delighted to see a church near my hotel and got excited asking one of the hotel staff if it was a Catholic church. But, he was not sure. I did not have the time to check it. Somehow, seeing a church excited me inside which I do not know why. When I was waiting for the departure time from Batam back to Singapore, I was hanging around the Batam Center Mega Mall. There was an activity going on trying to promote a Christian kindergarten. They were singing some worship songs. I could not help it but left the restaurant where I was going to have lunch with my friend for awhile to join the children singing the worship songs. Somehow, I felt very at home and joyful within. What is happening to me? I have left the church for more than half a year and why I still feel so at home and elated when I saw a church near my hotel and the children singing where I could not help it but to join them singing the worship songs. Maybe, my art therapist was right. I am not religious but that is just my spirituality which will not change even after I have left the church. I see it as God’s gift to keep me close to Him no matter where I am and I feel loved by God for such gift.
I am a very boring person and that explains why I do not really have friends. I do the same thing, go to the same place and do not know how to entertain people. People find me boring. I also find myself boring. Fortunately, I am not married. If not, I do not think my spouse can stand the boring me and will look for other women for some fun and novelty. I am watching this Hong Kong drama series titled On Call 36 hours depicting the situations in the different specialist areas in the hospital and the lives of specialists and patients. I can relate to the show very well as I used to be in and out of the emergency ward or day surgical department quite often as a patient. Moreover, I have come across many people around me who are sick and some of them suffer from rare diseases. Frankly speaking, when looking back at my life so far, people will leave my life once they are getting better or when they die. So far, whether I like it or not, I have to let go. I am pretty sick of it. It is as if I am acting as a counsellor in their lives and once they are well or dead, they will leave me no matter how close they are to me.
One thing strikes me in this On Call 36 hours show. The female leading actress is a specialist and contracted with some rare spinal cord tumour. She did not want to disclose her illness at first due to the fear of being a burden to her loved ones. Then, her boss advised her to disclose it to her loved ones because rather than leaving them living with regrets if she were to be gone suddenly, allowing them to go through it all with her would no doubt burden them but at least, they would not live with regrets for the rest of their lives for not spending the remaining days with her. This is so true. I personally rather go through it all with my loved ones than living with regrets for the rest of my life for not spending time with my loved ones. It reminds me of the regret for not spending time with mummy before she left. I have forgiven myself, she had never blamed me for anything and God has forgiven me. But, the fact is that I am still living with regrets. I used to mind how other teachers gossiped about us, how other students saw us and how others would criticize me even after I had left my Secondary school. I really regret for not talking to her for two years despite her approach towards me in church on alternate Saturdays and in school when I visited some teachers and students occasionally. If time can be reversed, I would ignore all gossips and how people saw me and would have spent her remaining days with her when she approached me. I rather go through it all with her while giving her the privacy and space she needed.
I am not sure why I am always put in some rare situations that most of my friends do not face. If I am not careful, I will easily ruin another person’s life or rumours will be spread very quickly among many people which cause damage to the person’s reputation. Some of them hold certain level of authority. Honestly speaking, I rather mind my own business than to cross their paths. It seems that I have to handle difficult and domineering people which most people cannot handle and yet some of the people around me see that I seem to be able to handle them which most people are being oppressed under them. I am a very simple person. I do not yearn for limelight or recognition. All I pray for is to have my own family with loving spouse and children. Everyone needs a home. I am no exception.
My friend with good intention was giving me advice without looking at my needs and even knowing my expectation in a future spouse. She asked me to lower my expectation. She meant well. But, little did she know that I felt slighted and disconnected more than helped. All I expect in a spouse is a man of strong faith who places God above everyone and everything else to lead me in my faith and the family, is able to establish mental rapport with me, loves and respects me as who I am giving me enough space without abusing me at all and works hard with me to earn money to support the family. I have never yearned for a handsome, wealthy, talented, muscular, popular man with many more positive traits. I am not looking for a saint as my spouse. If I lower my expectation any further, then I can grab any Tom, Dick or Harry as my spouse. I did mention honestly to her about this whole issue. When she was advising me, she was in a mess and her self esteem was hurt. Therefore, though she meant well, the advice she gave was not appropriate. The way she put it pulled me down with her instead of helping me. So, whenever I advise people, I always look at the state of the person, the needs at that time and in general, the person’s temperament and character, etc. I do not force my advice on the person according to what I think is right to all people. Whether he wants to take my advice or not, it is up to him. If God gives me free will, who am I to impose my will on others? I also have to be aware of my own state of mind and heart and take care that I do not pull let my personal feelings and situations drag the other person down. People trust me and look for hope or advice from me which is why they come to me. I have to own my words and actions so that the people will leave me better off rather than worse off after every session. Life is short. I find it meaningless to impose my superiority to show others that I am brilliant and superior to them through giving advice or helping people. Rather, I try to understand them and put myself into their shoes and see how I can try to do my very little part in helping them or even just praying for them if I am not called or not suitable to help them. I also learn from them instead of living in my little world preoccupied with my own ideas and imposing them on others.
On Call 36 hours show also shows the male leading role who was a specialist loved the woman with the spinal cord disease. He said the vow to her despite her condition to spend the rest of his life with her under all circumstances till death part them. Yes, romantic but I am thinking if the woman were to be ugly, poor or deemed stupid, would she still get such faithful and loving man? Be realistic. When a male leading character made sacrifices for the woman he loved in almost every show, the woman in the show would always look at least pretty. Will it still be romantic to the audience if the handsome and talented man made such sacrifices for an ugly, poor or stupid woman?
That is why I have never had too high expectation when it comes to a spouse. I will only accept a man who is willed to be my spouse. I have never tried to force anyone to get into romantic relationship with me or wanted things to go my way. So what if I win the person through seduction, trickery or any other manipulation? I can possess the person as an object but I have never loved him as who he is with any respect for his will. Is his heart with me? Adultery is out of question to me. Yes, it may seem exciting. But, such affairs do not affect just the two people in the relationship but also the people in the married person’s life, especially his children and spouse. They are innocent. Why should they bear the consequences from the wilful and evil acts of mine just due to my feelings of liking or self centered motives? How true can this man be if he can betray his own spouse who sleeps with him daily? I always believe that if a man really loves me, no matter how far he is, his heart always has me. He will never leave me. He will come back to me one day. Even in the midst of temptation, he will love me with fidelity. He will work hard to make the relationship between us to be better. He will go through it all with me and never abandon me. If he does not love me, no matter how tenacious I cling on to him, how I seduce or manipulate him to stay by my side, he will leave me one day. His heart will never be with me. I have never even entered his heart at all. I am only treating him as my object to my desires. What happens between us is just transaction for our desires.
I do have my own fair share of heartbreak. But, by not talking about it does not mean that I do not have any heartbreak. If I am right with God, I believe God will bless me with a spouse who truly loves me. Letting go is painful but necessary when called forth to free myself to be better loved by the man willed to be my spouse. If the person is willed to be my spouse, God will make it happen. This man will work hard to nurture the relationship and stay by my side no matter what happen, no matter how many women tempt him. If not, why torture myself to force the other party into the relationship? It not only deprives myself of meeting the right guy who will truly loves me but also depriving the man involved of his right gal. Sometimes, distance does help to see if you really love the person. Absence will make the heart fonder if he loves you. The love is even more prominent and louder as time passes by. If he loves you, he will come back for you and treasure you. If not, it will only be out of sight, out of mind. Time will tell. So, never rush anyone into relationship with you. I always believe that what does not kill you will only strengthen you. Sometimes, a few relationships fail before you meet the right one so that you will learn to love better and better from mistakes and lessons from every failed relationship and you will learn to truly love the right one when he comes. Those failed relationships being let go serve as a sacrificial love for you to be prepared for the relationship with the right man willed by God. The sacrifices involved in those failed relationships are to learn from one’s mistakes and repentance to be a better and better lover. For me, if I love a person, I will go through it all with him.
Ok, enough of my writing. Sorry for the rojak contents in this blog entry. I just write whenever comes to my mind. No matter where you are, I pray that you will treasure all your loved ones and friends for no one knows if one goes out in the day well will come back well at night. Life is fragile. I hope that you will not live with regrets like me due to silly things like pride, limelight, deceit of self, gossips, etc. If these people are meant to go through life with you, they will go through it all with you. God will bless the relationships. Do not be afraid. Take courage to reconcile and love each other even better.
With Love,
Elena
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