Will be going for a movie marathon at Orchard alone for the first time tonight since I have always had friends going with me. Nothing much I can do in Singapore especially when my saving is running really low though I have a lot of things in mind that I want to do like picking up French again, dancing, art, piano, etc. but need money. My job search has not been smooth as I want to make this job search my last round in life before I settle myself down in a job for the rest of my life. Most of the jobs that I have gone for interviews were very administrative which is not my strength but has been torturing me for seven years of my work life. So, here I am, still jobless and hopeless. Hopefully, I can succeed in my job interview on next Wednesday as that job is less administrative and more outgoing which suits my temperament and character. I really find Singapore very boring till I get sick. Not much to explore. Whenever I go overseas, I will always feel like a free bird and myself where I can roam freely. I do not deny nowhere is as safe as Singapore. But, safety is not priority in my life. What I have always looked for is exposure or exploration of the vast world. I have always dreamt to travel around the world with my life partner. Well, I am still fine with travelling alone if I am willed to be single.
I was given a free ticket to a movie titled A Dangerous Method with the purchase of the book. To me, it was a gift from God. I enjoyed watching the show. It is rated M18, meaning that expect some degree of nudity in the show if you intend to watch it. I was quite disgusted with some parts of the show where the female leading role playing as Sabrina Spielrein was nude having sexual intercourse with Carl Jung enjoying being spanked by him. I thought it was too raw to be displayed for viewing and yet I felt certain sympathy towards Sabrina as such perverse enjoyment of being abused stemmed from her childhood abuse by her father. Yes, this story touches on various aspects of psychoanalysis discussed by the roles like Carl Jung, Sigmund Freud and Sabrina Spielrein which I enjoyed the most. But, my attention span did not allow me to catch all the details discussed during the show to my frustration. As usual, too much went through my mind as I was watching the show. The show was also basically about the turbulent relationships of Sabrina with Jung and Freud. You would enjoy the show if you are interested in psychology, especially about sexuality, how childhood affects the sexuality and psychoanalysis.
Personally, I also learnt something from Jung with his recurring adultery with different women. Though Sabrina left the adulterous relationship with Jung to marry a Russian physician, it did not stop Jung from getting involved with another woman who resembled Sabrina. Why did it keep recurring that he still got himself involved with another woman though he was married and Sabrina had left him? I gathered that he did not solve the root of the problem. He only treated the symptoms by satisfying superficially certain areas of his life through such adulterous relationships. Maybe, his spouse had not satisfied him in some ways. Maybe, his issues were so deeply rooted that he was not even aware of them or he simply ignored such issues or he did not know what to do. In my own life, I saw how certain men went around flirting with women even if they are married or are not available for marriage in some ways. Some know that they are very unhappy inside and even expressed their pain and yet they still refuse to acknowledge and deal with those dark areas. You will see them getting themselves involved with different women to satisfy their superficial wants. As long as they do not face their deeply rooted issues which may also stem from their negative relationships with their parents or caregivers or past romantic relationships, you will see them in such inappropriate relationships. It is sad to see them going through lives not leading life to the fullest carrying such burdens and pain deep inside them. Some of them are really good people and kind by nature. And yet, it can be understood why they still get themselves involved with such inappropriate relationships. Actually, instead of going for limelight or popularity or fame which do not fulfil their needs or attention deep within and only making themselves more and more greedy for such fame, popularity and limelight with more and more prominent thirst screaming to be quenched inside, they may be better off getting married where their spouses can grow intimately with them and heal them slowly with God in the marriages, also helping them to enjoy their hidden selves through such intimate relationships. A spouse is supposed to bring out the best out of you by first accepting the whole package of you, including the not so nice traits. Then, you may develop healthier egos as a man. How deep and long can these women from the inappropriate relationships, fame, fans, popularity or limelight go into your psychic to heal you emotionally, mentally and spiritually? Yes, God can heal. And yet, it will only tear a person apart by getting healing from God with time alone with Him or in church and still sinning by getting involved with inappropriate relationships causing hurt to self and others even deeper at the same time.
I have just read an article on What is character and how does it change? Basically, transformation in the character also consists of the emotional realm of a person. Repressing emotions or denial will only corrupt the character and even the spiritual state of a person. Such repression or denial will manifest these feelings in the negative or even perverse behaviour through the daily life and the character will never go through transformation though I may keep on praying for God to heal me and never look at my emotional area. If emotional area of my life is useless, God would not have created that area as part of me. It takes a lot of courage and bravery to face my dark areas. But, once I take that painful step to face it with openness to God, God will shed light on that area and heal me. The change must come from within so that I can truly be transformed and healed with conscious efforts to change or modify my behaviour.
The period of Lent is coming to an end soon with the Easter Sunday on 8 April 2012. But, transformation does not stop there. Lent period to me is to be more conscious of repentance and penance. My unemployment and low saving force me to cut down on my activities and quiet down to spend much time alone looking into the deeper issues of my life. I do chat with God through prayers about my vulnerability and needs. Struggling along the way especially when I am out of church and pretty much alone. But, I am blessed to have friends encouraging me along the way when I get hay wired at times. I do regret certain things in life. I do miss certain people alot in life. But, I do not just lament in regrets. I try my best not to repeat those mistakes on other people. If these people whom I miss are still in my life, I will fix the broken relationships and love them even better and more.
I do not mind admitting that I hope to have my own family. Sometimes, I do not see the meaning of going through the humiliation and working like a bull at work just to earn money supporting my needs and contributing to my parents. Personally, I find more meaning in earning more money if my money is for my own children and family with a spouse. Only then, any insults, hardwork or hardship faced at work become meaningful as sacrifices for the growth of my family and children. I do see deep meaning of working hard with a spouse to build and nurture the love nest. It is something deep which you can’t do with friends or anyone. Yes, I do see and hear horror stories from the victims of abuse and divorce. Somehow, I still believe in marriage. I feel that life without marriage and carrying a foetus in the womb is never complete as a woman. I am not saying being single is not good. It has its own calling and mission through such consecration of being single. With a family, especially with children, it is not possible to be self centered to live in my own ways and yet expecting the family to be healthy and loving. One must expand oneself to embrace the spouse and children as part of the expanded self through the covenant of marriage even if I do not like certain traits of my children and spouse. Of course, I must not neglect my needs and have to work with my spouse and family to meet my needs so that I will be healthy to contribute to my family and the society. Basically, my spouse is my confessor where I share my intimate self with him, including my vulnerability. If pride or self centeredness gets in the way in marriage, I realize that my spouse and I are living our own separate ways as if we were still single. So, what is the point of getting married? This is how I see marriage. It is a spiritual wealth and blessing to grow with my spouse from loving couple with fire and passion in our love to seeing wrinkles on my spouse holding hands as old couple with love that is as gentle as stream through going through thick and thin in life journey together as depicted in the marriage vow. No amount of money can buy such wealth and not everyone is blessed with it.
That is all for my sharing. As long as we live, it is never too late to open our dark areas for God’s healing with the support and help from friends or loved ones. Sometimes, it even means to go against the norms to be true to oneself inviting insults, condemnation from others at times. Only truth stands with time. All insults or condemnation will go away as they are false bias according to others’ expectations. God is more powerful than anyone. If you are right with God, He will bless you with the daily bread. He will bless you with loved ones and true friends to stand by you and love you as who you are. All people err. It is just a matter of having the courage to learn from the mistakes and walk the truth through repentance and truth or hide as a coward with all the pain and burdens so heavy that you can no longer go upwards to heaven but to go downwards to hell even after you are dead.
Get more sleep now so that I will be ready for my movie marathon alone tonight. Hurray!! May you have a fruitful weekend!! God loves you and I love you all too.
With Love,
Elena
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