Hurray! I am going for the Safari Run with two friends in the morning today. We have not really prepared ourselves for the run since we have been busy with our own activities. See how it goes. It seems more like a sightseeing for us in the zoo. Good for me to take a break away from the noisy places of people to be with the animals. I think I need that alot. Recently, my temper has been getting very bad since my job search has been difficult and I get pissed off by friends. Getting more stressed out with my bank account going low. Pretty stuck now. I am alone most of the time with my books and the two kids at home.
I have visited my friend and her mum who are Protestants. My friend is also looking for a job. Like me, she also gets upset with some interviewers who put her down with harsh tone. I do admit that some interviewers do deliberately provoke interviewees to see how they respond to nasty attitude or stress as the job may require the person hired to handle some nasty people or stress. But, some of them simply put people down or even insult people. My friend’s mum asked me to be more patient. I told her my bank account is going very low and I have nothing to fall back on. She assured me that God will provide our daily bread. I really do not know how much longer I have to wait. She told me there is no point in getting a job which is not suitable for me in a rush as it does not help me in my career path if I keep on changing jobs just because I get any jobs for survival and yet these jobs are just not for me. From my conversation with her, God has reminded me to be patient and assures me that He will provide all my needs. It is just my free will that I choose to trust in Him or not. I have been praying for a job and yet there seems to be no answer. Maybe, my friend’s mum is right. It is not according to my time but God’s. All I have to do is to wait.
Waiting seems to be the issue that is prominent in my life now. We have decided that my niece will be removing one of her kidneys this year. Money is an issue as the operation may cost around $10K exclusive of subsequent specialist checkups and special diet. My sister has to give the green light to the operation on the upcoming checkup at the end of this month. We think that the operation should be pretty soon. Nobody knows what will happen. We are just waiting. More details of the operation and the expenses will be given after we have confirmed with the specialist to go ahead with the operation. As for now, we are just waiting. Nobody knows what will happen along the way. All we can do is to pray. Then, we will see whose medisave to tap on other than my sister’s and her hubby’s. One of my parent’s medisave will be tapped on. So, basically, we are financially very tight also with the fluctuation and unpredictable case of my grandfather who suddenly ends up in the hospital from time to time, tapping on my dad’s medisave. At the rate we go, it would not be long before my parents’ medisave would be wiped out. By the time they need the medisave, my brother and I would be in deep shit since we do not have much cash or medisave if they were to be sick. I really do not know how God is going to provide for us. We could only trust that we do our best to help whoever is in need and God will provide for our needs when the time comes that we are sick or needy. I guess I can only trust God without any rationalization. It is definitely stretching my faith to trust God based on the very little resources or money that we have.
Waiting can trigger the anxiety in us due to the uncertainty and fear. In my case, be it a job search or my niece’s operation, it is all about waiting. I can only do my best to do whatever I can and leave the rest to God. Sometimes, I get even more frustrated by some friends. Sometimes, some care seems to be self centered and I rather not have such care to irritate me further. What do I mean by self centered care? By caring for me, some of them are showing they are different from my other nasty friends. It is about proving themselves that they are good. Their care is not due to their sincere love for me but for self glorification and satisfaction of self inflated ego. Some of them may not be even aware of it. Some care for me because they are repaying my kindness. They feel that they owe me favours. Their pride pushes them to repay such kindness to me. Imagine if I have not helped them. Do you think they will care for me out of love? I am pretty sure that the answer is a ‘No’. Nowadays, I no longer believe in true love or friendships. I have seen too much hypocrisy, politics even among friends. Some even start pointing fingers at others to protect their egos even if they are in the wrong. I choose to keep quiet.
Waiting to me is tough with situations getting desperate. I am thinking whether I should get back into the vicious cycle of just getting any job even if it is going to torture me physically, mentally, emotionally or even spiritually since I am forcing myself to fit into the job, leaving my true self. Nowadays, jobs are different from the ones in the past. In the past, employees did not have to work a lot of OTs and the amount of work brought home was not as much. Nowadays, we are expected to spend more and more of our waking hours at work. If we do the jobs which are not meant for us and even go against our values and who we are, we are torturing ourselves daily. We may no longer recognize ourselves and losing our true selves day by day. In the long run, it poses a lot of stress on the mind and body and we become sick. The soul becomes more weary and thirsty. I am not sure if I should continue to wait or just get any job out of desperation. I need money and I have to earn it since I am always against living off on others. I am thinking whether I should take the risk of looking for a job overseas. I have been toying with this idea in my mind for many months. I am still praying about it. If I have to work overseas, I will just move on. The market in Singapore is just too small with the influx of foreign talents vying for jobs. I have lost due to my educational level. How is God going to help me? I really do not know. I have already exhausted all methods to get into the fields that I know I can do well. But, I have not been given the opportunities. Really depressing.
I will continue to do my best for my job search. Then, waiting to see who will reply me. It is all about waiting, waiting and waiting. Sometimes, I find waiting more exhausting than being busy with work. I like being busy since I am a very active person. I am starting to get depressed due to my inertia. Want to sign up for courses but cannot afford to. So, all I can do is to read books or articles online. I really need the strength and perseverance to hang in there while waiting for a new start in my career, relationship, etc. I also hope that if my vocation is marriage, God will bless me with a man of strong faith to lead me closer to God and back to church; A man who can turn my dream of wearing wedding gown marching towards him waiting for me in the church into reality. Such things cannot be forced. It must be a blessing from God. The person whom I love and vice versa is worth waiting for. While I am still single, I will continue to serve wherever I go even if I am called to be single. So far, so good. May be very lonely. But, have to get used to it if I am called to be single as more friends will be leaving me due to their own commitments in their own lives. Most people can promise the stars or the sky but seldom walk the talk.
Have to go to sleep so that I can enjoy my Safari Run this morning. My health seems to be not quite right recently. Hopefully, it is alright. Whenever I am jobless, I always get wedding invitation. My grandaunt’s son is getting married in a Protestant church early in the morning on next Saturday. She has specifically asked my mum to get me to bring her to the church as my grandaunt knows that I am a Christian. So, I am assigned the task of bringing my grandmother and mum to the church early in the morning on next Saturday. My whole morning is gone with the tea ceremony, church service and buffet in that church. Another bomb was dropped on me a few days ago. My friend’s brother is getting married on 25 February. It is a wedding dinner. Why suddenly so many weddings? I am happy for them to find their loved ones with whom they are willing spend the rest of their lives going through thick and thin. It requires a lot of courage for such lifetime commitment without calculating whether the marriage will definitely work. It is really my honour to be invited to be part of their big celebrations though my pocket will be burnt with a big hole. Valentine’s day is coming soon. I think it is an excuse for couples to spend quality quiet time with each other in the midst of the busy schedules and work. Though it may be commercialized, it is not how expensive the celebration is. It is about making the efforts to give little surprises, adding colours to the relationships. Things do not have to be done in grand or expensive ways. Small little gestures mean a lot as it signifies you remember and treasure each other as a gift from God and it is expressed through creative ways on this day. The day itself is nothing special. But, the actions and thoughts using this day as a platform to express that you are unique to each other and nobody else can substitute each other in the romantic relationship. Nothing is worthy more than the presence of each other. I always believe that nothing means more than the presence of my lover in front of me. His presence is already a great present. No amount of gifts can be measured more than his presence. Even gazing at each other in silence can be a luxury as the eyes are the windows to the souls. Life is short. Treasure and soend time together while you can. God bless.
With Love,
Elena
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