Lonely Desert

Construction has been going on for lift upgrade at my block and around it. A lot of drilling and knocking going on which drives me crazy. Decided to escape to the airport to do some reading. After which, I went to run some errands for my friend who is still recovering from her operation. My mood has been very down. It is even worse now. Nobody has called me for an interview so far. As time passes by, my hope is also decreasing. I am trying to get out of purely administrative work and out of the public sector if possible as advised by my past reporting officers. I have been heeding their advice looking for jobs in certain industries and fields. Till now, I am not given any opportunity. Am I really destined to be a barista at a cafeteria? If so, how am I going to survive and support the family with such peanut pay? Recently, I have been even slapped with income tax when my pay is not supposed to hit what was reflected in the statement. I wonder how they came up with the figure. With my budget so tight, I got very frustrated to have to pay the stupid tax. No point arguing with the government since it is automatic e-filing. If not, who knows I may be slapped with higher tax for no reason again? The market here is unofficially monopoly. As long as I want to live here, I better keep my mouth shut and endure. I loathe this place more and more, especially after working in certain sector. I get to see the ugly side of such monopoly. But, I am stuck here. I have no money to get out of this damn place. This place is only for the rich. Aid is given to the very poor ones. Anyone between the very poor and very rich will have to fight real hard just to survive. I seriously do not have the confidence of surviving here and not seeing my future.


I went to the Airport Terminal 3 to dream of flying. I do not have the luxury like most of my friends who fly anywhere they want. Some of them fly to my dream countries like they are only travelling to Katong or anywhere in Singapore. I can only envy them and drool. All I can do is to go to the airport, watching the aeroplanes flying off and imagining myself in them off to different countries. To the rich, of course, they may claim that there is no big deal about it and some holy ones even claim that such travelling is not as important and meaningful as life journey. Of course, they can say that as they have the luxury of being sponsored travelling around. They do not have to work hard for such travel. I doubt they will still preach that if they have not had the luxury to be sponsored for their trips. For a poor person like me who loves to explore is a different story. All I can do is to see the people who are travelling at the airport and drool. I can only dream of it. I have a dream of staying at the countryside or big city overseas. I wonder how it is like to be exposed to different cultures. I even dream to study abroad but I know it is impossible to realize it at my age with my financial situation. Moreover, my family situation does not allow me to do so. Sometimes, I do hate myself in my family as my family has been my long term burden which many friends have advised me to leave. None of us has bright future. How the parents plan really affect the children alot. I have been trying to save money but I just cannot hold on to the jobs since I have been doing what I am weakest in and yet for those that I can do well, I need a bloody bachelor certificate to hold the position. I really hate my life. But, I am constantly stuck. I know I can do well for tertiary education and yet I cannot afford. I did not give up. I try to get into what I can do well professionally and yet I encountered situations like restructuring and cutting down headcount and I was asked to leave. I never gave up. I tried to work in those positions that I knew I could not make it just to survive and I bumped into abusive bosses who gave me unfair appraisals out of their insecurity, got insulted in front of other colleagues and these colleagues did not give me due respect and became rude to me even when I was polite, some reporting officers cleared my workstation and threw my things away without asking me, etc. I am very unhappy, really very unhappy for years. Am I really so bad that I have to endure such nonsense for so many years? I try and try. Now, I am trying to get into what I can do and yet I am not given a chance at all. It is very devastating to me. It seems that there is no way out for me. Am I really a person with no future? Where is God? I am not asking to be rich. All I pray for is to get a job where I can make full use of my strengths and bosses who are not so nasty. Actually, I get very upset whenever bosses or reporting officers ask me to go for further studies as they claim that I have competency and yet no matter how capable I am, I will forever be stuck at certain level and pay due to my educational level. What can I do? My family situation does not allow me for such studies. I also know such a fact. I like studying but no support or chance. I hate job hopping. Most of my job changes are encouraged by my ex-colleagues as they saw with their own eyes how much I have suffered even to the extent of damaging my health at times. I worked twice if not, even thrice as hard as the others. Guess what? I did not even get bonuses in some organizations where the laziest person got it just because the bosses felt threatened by me even if they were much more capable than me!!! Why is my life so screwed up? Or am I not supposed to be here at all?

I am feeling very devastated and hopeless now which no friends can ever understand. I am questioning my existence. I passed by my Secondary school yesterday on my way to the airport. It seems that God is reminding me mummy who was my Secondary 1 form tutor had sponsored me for my GCE A Level and Polytechnic studies. She had pinned high hopes on me as mentioned by her spouse but she was too disappointed in me to talk to me at all. What have I achieved so far? My life is no longer my own but mummy’s as she gave me a second chance to live. If I kill myself, how am I going to answer to mummy if I see her? I do not want to see her expression of disappointment towards me again. Want to die also cannot. My life now is as good as dead with my career doomed due to my change of jobs. Career is top on my priority. I can survive without romantic love but not career. To me, if my career is doomed, it is as good as my life is doomed. I feel like a zombie now. Other than job search, I spend most of my time sleeping. As time passes by at home, my hope is diminishing. I do not know how long I can go on.

During this period of really down time with coming to no hope, I am trying to be of service to others so that they will not be as down or even more down than me. I try to run errands for them or listen to their problems though I am struggling with my own feelings inside. I am trying to pick myself up by making myself useful for the others. Very close friends and loved ones are taking my nonsense as I am getting out of control. I complain alot more nowadays, criticise people alot more, throwing tantrums alot more. If suicide is legal, I would rather kill myself than living like that, causing people around me to suffer. At my age, I do not have family with a spouse and children for me to go back to. I can say I have failed in all aspects of my life. No career, no family, no money, not many friends, no church, nothing...I wonder why God created me to begin with. On the other hand, if trash can be recycled, I cannot be worse than trash. If I were a trash, I am insulting God for being rubbish and stupid to create me out of His mistake. God can never be so stupid as to not able to use me creatively.

I am fighting within me. On one hand, I want to rot at home waiting to die. On the other hand, when friends or loved ones need help, I will just help because I do not want them to feel helpless or hopeless like me. As much as I can, I help to improve their quality of lives in very small ways. I want them to know that I am there for them regardless of whether they appreciate me or not. As long as they ask me to help, I will. Most of them leave me once their lives turn to be better and I let go. My friend is still recovering from her operation with her two year old daughter and her maid in a hotel room. I know how it is like to be lonely. So, as mentioned in my last blog entry, I gave her a birthday surprise and she was touched and happy. Her smile warmed my heart. I am running errands like buying DVDs for her daughter and milk powder and stuffs for baby since she cannot go out much. It is challenging to me to purchase such things as I know nuts about baby stuffs. When buying such stuffs, I feel like unwed mother buying baby stuffs for my child. The process of purchasing such stuffs is challenging and yet a valuable lesson for me as I am learning more about babies and the products. My friend even joked that it is for me to be prepared for me to be a mother in the future. At the back of my mind, I know it is impossible if I ever get married at all since guys have such high standards for their spouses. I have neither looks nor money nor career. The guy would be blind or on ecstasy if he were to be willing to marry me. He has to be as eccentric as me to understand me. I have got no confidence to survive this Lent period. But, I am trying. Sometimes, well intentioned friends advised me but little do they know that I feel worse after that as I feel insulted since I hear what they are saying inside behind the words that they use. They have not realized that they are becoming arrogant after their tertiary education. The kind of advice given put me down subtly. I still meet them when they are down. As usual, it is about not wanting to see them as hopeless as me. By helping every person who comes to me or approaching every person as prompted by the Holy Spirit, there is one less unhappy person or person trapped in the world. I know they may not appreciate me and some of them have the potential to step on me or even shit on me as they climb higher up. It does not matter. By helping them to improve on their situations, they are more equipped to help their family members and others. Then, more people will be happy.

The other errand I have to run is for my sister. My niece will be going for her operation. I am going for the appointment with my brother-in-law and niece on 23 February since my sister cannot take leave. I really do not feel good going to see how the poor baby suffers again. For this appointment, I am there to help confirm the operation to proceed and clarify certain details so that the doctor can arrange the date and necessary logistics for the operation. It is going to be tough on the child to have her kidney removed and the caregivers who are looking after her. All of us feel the pain for the baby. We have been praying for miracle that her malfunctioned kidney will work. We are also trying to raise the operation fee and the charges involved. Now, we move one step at a time. The focus should be on how we can best help my niece. She is so cute and chubby and has brought us a lot of joy and laughter. We will try to give her our best. I am really useless. I cannot help much as my savings will be used up soon due to my unemployment. Really sorry that I cannot help much financially.

This period of Lent is really difficult. I don’t see hope in my career at all. My future seems doomed. I fail in every aspect of my life. Some friends may not have careers but have families set up with their spouses with lovely children. Some get some money for further studies and start climbing their ways up while others have established their careers. What do I have? Where do I fit in? I really do not know. I have always asked myself if there is really no place for me in this vast world. Am I really so bad or difficult that there is really no place for me to fit in? No family for such a difficult me? My friends often asked me to start a business and professional personality tests have shown that too and even show that I have leadership qualities. To be realistic, where do I get the capital? I have my dream of setting a cafeteria overseas. A dream is still a dream afterall. A dream does not cost a cent. But reality does cost alot. I have always dreamt of studying in USA since very young. But it can only be a dream though my professional thinking style and personality tests show that I can only fit into the American educational system. The reality is I had to struggle under the rigid Singapore educational system and could not do well to get a scholarship for the local tertiary education. All I can blame is myself for being eccentric and why I just cannot be wired to think like the majority. To sound nice, I am creative or original. To sound crude, I am just stupid, not able to follow and do well like the majority. So, my problem does not just happen only recently. It has been around since I entered school. I suffer what I call chronic loneliness. I have many friends but I just cannot connect with them, not even my parents. So far, only three people have connected with me and understand what I am talking about so far without me taking the pain to explain much but they have left me. Here, I am, alone again.

I am not sure how I can survive this Lent outside church. Actually, whether in church or not, I do not get much support from the people from church. I only get more vexed with them. I am only deprived myself from the Eucharist and the sacraments. I miss spending quiet time in church. I miss staring at the big crucifix in the main church. I miss the talks and lessons I attended in church. I miss the intellectual discussion I had with the small groups. I miss serving in church. I know I am short changing myself. I never blame anyone but myself right from the beginning. I could have avoided things at all costs even to the point of being cold blooded. Who asked me to do wrong? Who asked me to get into trouble? Who asked me to have feelings? I have to bear the consequences for the good of everyone. If I have a choice, I rather kill myself. But, the fact is my body is God’s for the Spirit to be housed. I am created by God. Only He can call me home. I cannot just end my life prematurely as my mission here is not completed. Actually, I have always thought that it will be perfect if I died many years ago instead of mummy. I even prayed for years for her disease to be transferred to me and I died instead before her death. She had her family with a loving spouse and lovely daughter. She was a capable and loving teacher who dedicated her life to teaching. A lot more people could have benefitted from her if I died instead. But, God has planned it that she was called home and I continued with my life with chronic loneliness. I do learn alot from life lessons. I do encounter kind souls in the midst of many nasty ones. Some even sacrificed themselves in some ways for me which touched me deep within.

Many people keep on telling me I am smart though my school teachers used to tell me I was very slow or stupid. I really do not know how I can put it to good use. So far, in my career, I have not really used my strengths but have been torturing myself with jobs that I cannot make it just for survival. I really have this dread that this will go on forever. All I ask is a chance to have a job that really uses my strengths and bosses who are not so nasty. Where do I go from here? Is my career really doomed? Am I destined to be lonely and be misunderstood often? Will I ever have a spouse who loves me? Will I ever be blessed with motherhood to bear fruits? Will I ever have a home of my own? Will I have friends who really care and not put me down? Will I ever find someone who can connect with me? Can I ever go back to church without any accusations? Am I going to be stuck in my family situation forever just because some people want things their ways at the expense of my future and happiness? I really would not want to give in to my destructive images. I really do not believe that I will be stuck forever. The question is how long I have to continue to be stuck in this lonely desert.

You may experience your own lonely desert no matter where you are. The world is big and it is never made up of desert entirely. Try to reach outward and never give up. By helping others or reaching out, it is also a way of giving yourself a break from this lonely desert and quenching your thirst through sharing that little love you have with the others. My friend scolded me about my lack of faith and my normal fighting spirit recently. Seriously, I am just too tired and trapped and feel like giving up. Perhaps, I have not given up because of the hope that God has instilled within me. I find it hard to pray during this time as I do not know what to thank Him for. I still hang on to Him since I have been surviving so far with some blessings from some people. To me, it is a miracle that I still find the strength to help my friends despite my hopelessness. I know that push comes from God out of Love. God is always there even if you do not feel His presence like me now. But, it does not mean that He is not there. It s up to you to find Him through people, Word, Blessed Sacrament, the sacraments, church, nature, etc. as long as you do not close the door and throw the keys away. For my case, I am trapped in a house with no doors or windows. I know I have the staff from God to knock a hole for the light to penetrate. I am knocking the wall down slowly. Hopefully, I see more light and my life will change. I am working to have a breakthrough. I loathe the life I am having now. I loathe the place I am staying now. I am praying for a change even if it means hardship as I do not want to be stuck anymore, even if I have to get out of this country starting anew elsewhere giving up everything here. I do not know how to. I am still hanging on to that glimmer of hope and waiting patiently for the breakthrough while making the efforts to improve myself. If a horrible and hopeless case like me can survive till now, it means God does exist. So, never lose hope and hang on to the glimmer of hope that you have by having the faith in God that He will provide you for all your needs and bless you with miracles if you care to put in efforts to improve your life and connect with Him to quench your thirst in your desert. Many people who have committed suicide end their lives prematurely before waiting in God’s time for the miracles to work. Sometimes, patience is necessary in God’s time and not in ours as only God knows how to unite all the resources, people, etc. perfectly for His plan to work for the best of our interest that is better than the plans that we think is the best. If we end our lives prematurely, we are not just throwing away God’s gift of life for us but also deprive ourselves from His miracles that will happen in His time. No matter what, never give up. Where there is will, there is a way. God bless.

With Love,

Elena