Have just come back after meeting two friends. All my appointments for the whole day yesterday were impromptu. Basically, my mood swing has been quite drastic due to my frustration in my job search for many weeks. I am simply stuck. I think I am feeling more down and hopeless. I am thinking if I should get myself back into the vicious cycle of doing purely paperwork which I cannot make it and have been advised to get out of by past reporting officers or I should just continue to look for jobs that I am confident in doing and staying in the organization for long. My question is how long I have to wait. I have been jobless since December last year. My inertia is dragging me down into depression. I find life meaningless nowadays. I get frustrated and angry easily and my frustration is getting out of control. Nowadays, I don’t even want to socialize and seek any help. I close myself at home most of the time.
However, I decided to do something yesterday. I met two friends at different times. I met my old friend in the afternoon. She is here in Singapore for an operation again. I was afraid she would fall into depression again and decided to give her a surprise for her birthday celebration in her hotel room as it was her birthday. I love giving surprises!!! Despite feeling down myself, somehow, all I wanted was to cheer her up with a little surprise. I am definitely not a generous or big hearted person as I can be very calculative in some ways. I just did what I felt like doing within me. I was happy searching high and low for a birthday cake which looked nice and seemed taste good and yet affordable since my bank account is running really low due to my unemployment. I know I should not spend money without thinking. But, to me, buying a small birthday cake to cheer an old friend up is more important. I just have to cut down on my food intake. Finally, I bought a heart shaped white cheese cake with some roses on it. It was less than $25. Then, I bought some plastic plates and forks. I happily hopped on a cab and went to the hotel which was nearby but ulu (inaccessible).
I was quite surprised by her response when she saw the cake. The normally introverted friend of mine hugged me with joy. Her smile and joy filled me with joy and I forgot about my down feelings during that moment. Then, we talked and shared what have been happening in our lives. She also confided in me. I am very glad to be of service to her. This service is done out of Love. Without the Spirit of Love within me, I would not have spent the money on the cake and items out of the little money in my bank account. Nothing to boast about because with the little money that I part with, I gain more through her smile. Somehow, her smile warms my cold and hopeless heart within. All the gift to her becomes multiplied through her smile and gratitude. I just want her to be happy and I have managed to brighten up her day. Who gains more?
Then, I went to meet another friend for KTV in the evening. She was feeling down. I was no better. The songs I chose were depressing and sad. I have managed to vent all my pent up feelings within through the songs. Maybe, I have been alone most of the time and I have got no outlet or people to talk or write to. I just bottle them up inside. So, the KTV session helped me to let these feelings go. After the KTV session, my friend confided in me as she was facing some relationship problems. I thank God that I could still be of service to her despite my instability and frustration from my job search. She felt much better after I have helped her to look at things from other angles. I gain again from spending my time with her, listening to her and advising her. When I saw her expression of relief, I felt happy for her.
For the whole day yesterday, I was happy to be of service to my friends who are feeling either lonely or trapped. I know how it is like to be lonely like my friend who has gone for operation and staying in the hotel since I am feeling very lonely in my lonely path now and how frustrating and hopeless to get trapped like my other friend who is trapped in the relationship issues since I am stuck in my career now. At least, after my time spent with them, they are happier. That is all I ask for. I do not need any praise or thank you from them since I have already gained from the relief and smiles from them after that. At least, each time I see the smile on a friend after time spent with him/her, there is one less unhappy person in the world, there is one less person feeling trapped in the world, there is one less person feeling lonely in the world. I am not the best person in the world. I may not be perfect. I may be still stuck in my situation. All I can do is to try to reach out to others with the very little I have so that the very little I have multiplies through sharing with others and they will multiply what they have received by sharing with more people and so on.
It is Valentine’s Day today. How are you celebrating this special day with your valentine? Any surprises for your valentine? This special day is an excuse to be away from your busy schedule or work to be with that special one. It does not have to be expensive. Your presence to each other is already a gift to each other. Personally, I appreciate quality time spent together, even more than diamond. Diamond can be bought but time is something which cannot be bought or reversed. Nothing is greater than spending quality time silently and intimately with a lover who is willing to spend his precious time with you instead of doing something else or meeting someone else. Time is priceless. Valentine’s Day does not have to be commercialized. It is about spending quality time in your own romantic world where both of you indulge in the sea of Love. You know he loves you by spending his time with you as he has chosen to stay by your side instead of being elsewhere in the world. He is there to go through thick and thin with you and protect you. Here, I would like to dedicate this song Reason from the Secret Garden OST album to all married couples and lovers. You may click on this link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rUJftoxegQE for the translation though there are spelling errors. I like the lyrics as it tells what love should be briefly.
How do I celebrate my Valentine’s Day? I intend to go for a movie alone celebrating it in my old maid way. Also happy to see how other couples indulge into their dreamy romantic worlds. Nothing wrong to be left on the shelf as some people are just not meant for marriage. Yes, lonely but won’t die. Such things cannot be forced and I also won’t go for any matchmaking sessions just to get married or go desperate to marry any Tom, Dick or Harry. Let nature takes its course and let God’s will be done. I just have to get used to this lonely path while reaching out to others or cheer others up, especially the lonely or less fortunate ones. I have just attended a church wedding on last Saturday. Really happy to worship God in church and sang the songs to praise God for such joyous occasion. The couple has also chosen the songs from the Secret Garden OST. That was a chance for me to indulge into that dreamy world. Having dream is better than hopelessness. I know I may be an old maid forever but I am happy enough to be invited to the weddings to celebrate such joyous occasions with the couples and also for me to indulge into my small dreamy romantic world to feel like a gentle woman.
Ok, going to sleep now. Hopefully, can get up for a jog in the morning. Then, celebrate the Valentine’s Day in my old maid style. Happy Valentine’s Day to all no matter where you!!
With Love,
Elena
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