Alien

My mood is going haywired. Some funny ideas keep on lingering in my mind so much that I keep on seeing the same image. I did try to confide in friends but feel worse most of the time as they do not understand what I am talking about. They have good intention and I appreciate that. But, sometimes, I pick up what is going on in some of them instead which cause more burden to me. My job search has been not smooth. I have been unemployed for more than 3 months. To me, career is more important than anything else in my life, including relationships. It seems to me that my career has come to an end since most employers do not trust that I will stay committed. I am very stuck as it is very difficult for me to explain to potential employers why I changed my jobs; some were due to restructuring and cutting down on headcount which led to me leaving, some due to insecurity of bosses who were afraid of me surpassing them at work and gave me unfair appraisal no matter how hard I had worked, some were abusive and kept on giving vague directions and turning the tables around to accuse us in front of the top management, some even intruded my space by throwing my things away from my workstation, etc. I really have to confess that I have tried so hard in those organizations that even my colleagues and other bosses advised me to leave as they saw how I was abused and I had tried too hard to tolerate the nonsense till the extent that I was no longer myself. I am very stuck now. Should I just get any jobs like the administrative jobs which I cannot make it and continue to keep getting stuck in the vicious cycle being haunted again and again like what I have been going through or should I continue to apply for jobs where I can fit in and excel as advised by my reporting officers? But, how long do I have to wait?


I am trying very hard and keep on compromising on the kind of jobs I am looking for but to no avail. I have come to this point where I am too tired and feel very hopeless. I even feel life is meaningless. A lot of things are going on inside me and it’s getting out of control. I even think God has abandoned me. People around me keep on asking me to pray. Yes, I pray again and again. But, no answers at all. Does it mean that my career is the end? If my career is the end, my life is meaningless. I even get so impulsive that I went straight into a cafeteria to apply for the position of a barista which I know will destroy my health ultimately. I don’t want to live off people. My friend told me there must be a way out. To me, I am trapped in a house with no doors nor windows. I have been fighting to fit in for more than 20 years. Whenever I am asked to do some professional personality or thinking styles tests, the results always show I fall within the minority. With such a small country like Singapore and most people are brought up to think in certain limited ways, it is no doubt that I am one of the outcasts. Being outcasts means loneliness. I may try to confide in friends but they do not even understand what I am talking about most of the time. At workplace or in schools or even in church, my eccentric character or thinking stands out. When I did one professional thinking style test in church, the youth leaders were quite shocked that my high score in a particular thinking style pulled the overall score of the youth ministry up in that thinking style. The professional coach even advised me to select my university carefully as I do not fit into the conventional universities. She is right in that. I spend most of my school days with loneliness and I find it hard to conform to the conventional teaching. When left alone, I do much better.

I know how it is like to be lonely. Most of the time, even if I have many friends or loved ones around me, I feel very disconnected. One of my areas in reaching out is to the outcasts in the offices or schools or churches wherever I happen to be. So far, these outcasts confided in me and I am happy to be of some help and service to them. I often do not believe in what most people in the particular places say about the outcasts. I will approach these outcasts as prompted by the little voices within. Most of them have their defensive walls so high that I need to put in a lot of time and efforts to reach them and yet not intruding their privacy. As an outcast myself, I understand that not all outcasts are not as bad as the majority has deemed them to be. Most of the outcasts just think differently and are honest about themselves instead of trying to please others even if the others are wrong. When we become friends, they are really good friends though they may not make good colleagues or working partners. It does not matter. I am still happy to be their friends as their sharing enriches my life. At least, we are no longer lonely as we connect our worlds to be bigger.

I guess I am not only poor materially but also spiritually. I have God but I really cannot connect with most people. Not that I never try, I have tried so hard that I nearly killed myself a few times, losing myself. Now, I am just trying to be myself. I am trying to find a job where I can really fit in and excel in my job with my strengths. For the past 7 years of working life, I have been taking up positions for survival but felt tortured as what my reporting officers have said, I am a ball trying to fit into square pegs. It does not work in the long run as I am not only not using my gifts but trying to be who I am not. It will keep on coming back to haunt me. Yes, I want to find a job where I can use my gifts but opportunity is not given to me. Potential employers think that I give up easily when I have tried too hard which only my ex-colleagues who worked with me would know. How do I explain that during the interviews? Working life in this modern world is totally different from the one in the past. In the past, you were expected to work nine to five. Nowadays, we spend most of our waking hours at work. If we do not enjoy what we do and get abused at work, that would mean we would be unhappy in general as long as we are in the organizations and we will be thrown off the balance and kill ourselves spiritually or even literally in the long run.

God does have His purpose for bestowing us some deemed negative traits. All traits must be looked upon as a whole package in every individual. For my case, my eccentric character or thinking has already stood out. Imagine if I were to be beautiful, I will stand out even more. Sometimes, some negative traits are just meant to harness our good ones so that we will not be led to destruction in any ways. I am glad that I am ugly so that some people are already filtered out as they do not notice plain Jane and ignore me and my eccentricity will not obvious to more people. Anyway, I cannot handle unwanted attention or pity. I find limelight too much for me to handle. I like to be carefree and feel free wherever I go without much attention. Imagine if I were to be beautiful, my beauty will become a curse to me as it will turn heads to me. My friend though that I said it to comfort myself. I really mean what I say. That is why you will never see me putting on heavy makeup unless it is very necessary for some important occasions. I have never even thought of plastic surgery.

I do have struggles accepting myself at times though I know I am loved by God as many people misunderstand me and even insult me. It is tough. Sometimes, I even doubt God along the way. Some friends will remind me God will never forsake me. I have to keep on reminding myself through regular prayers and thanksgiving that I am alive because of breath of Love out from God. I cannot kill myself as my body is not mine but God’s. I am only a steward to house the Spirit. It is tough especially when you are feeling lonely. But, God will have His way to remind me I am never forsaken.

Here, I am, still have not given up though I nearly gave up a few times. I also have to thank the very few people who bother to accompany me or even scold me for my own good. I am still trying hard though I do not know how. No matter where you are, no matter how tough times can be, no matter how lonely you feel, there are people out there going through it. You are never going through it alone. I can’t say for the others. At least, I am going through it for many years. Let us walk through it through prayers together. God bless.

With Love,
Elena