Have been drained by my orientation programmes for the past few days. It's more tiring than my work itself. It is still a roller coaster ride at work. Previously, I have mentioned that some roles were taken from me. All of a sudden, they are all returned to me within hours. I don't know what to expect next. Anyway, I have preempted my family that my job is not stable. It is better for them not to depend heavily on me financially. I will contribute what I can until I am asked to get out of this organization. I am taking things easy nowadays. An invitation has been sent to me to go for the 3 days of triduum and feast day. I wonder if they know to whom they have sent the invitation. I think since I am out of church for months, I will continue to stay away completely. It does not matter whether I go or not. All the people whom they expect to be there, they will make sure they will be there. I will expect the same old people to be there. So, my presence is not important. I will continue to stay clear from church. I have stayed clear from the relationships that are meant to be stopped. So, I am only in contact with 2 to 3 people who are my friends. I will just pray for my parish when the feast day comes. Anyway, I am comforted to know that my parish is back to its vibrancy. It does not matter to me what has happened in the past. I am concerned with what is going on in my parish now. I do not know much about the Catholic circle now. All I know is my parish is back to its vibrancy and harmony. I am really thankful to the current parish priest and his assistant priests to put in so much hardwork to bring the vibrancy to the parish. I am aware that most people there may have misunderstood my disappearance from the church thinking that I am in another parish. But, I no longer care. I just hope that they will work hard together to build the community up and guide my youths correctly. That's all I care about.
Most of the time, I do not keep in contact with people once I leave the places, be it my workplaces or parishes unless the people take the initiatives to keep in contact with me. I do not believe in hanging or clinging on to people. That is how I work. That works against my advantage as it means that I do not maintain my friendship in the long run. For me, I will just make friends wherever I go. Of course, it is painful to let go. I guess over the years, it is much easier for me to let go since people get in and out of my life suddenly. Recently, I am even thinking that if the family issue persists, I may have to move out of the house to improve on the situation. My family disagreed as my health has been bad and they were worried I may not be able to handle alone outside. But, to me, if needed be, I am not afraid as I have handled things alone for many years. I always like to look at the big picture and assess the situation and see which approach may be the best to that situation, sometimes, even to the extent of going against the norms and what people think.
Since very young, I have come into contact very often with people who use others as tools for their benefits. I can't believe it that my first encounter with such people was with my classmate in Primary 3. Since then, I have bumped into many people of such who get me into troubles or even break my friendships with the others. I am not saying that whenever I get into trouble, it is always the other people who get me into it. I also get into trouble due to my wilfulness. Somehow, I pick up nuances of what is going on behind people's action or words quite quickly and accurately. Most of the time, I will keep it to myself. If I keep on seeing the same people using others as tools to get what they want, my face turns black and I will avoid these people before I blow up. Sometimes, other people think that I get angry for no reason when actually I am just sick of seeing these same people using others as tools to get what they want. Only when I can't take it, I will just confide in very close friends.
Some of them are even worse. It is as if when they put others down, it will show how great they are when it actually shows the ugliness within. They will hurt these people whom they know will not want to hurt them. Some people will tell me they are just being blunt. But to me, being blunt is not an issue. If a person hurt others with his words by being blunt, the more it shows his inner state of being. It is very easy to tell who treat others like the children of God like themselves or as tools to get what they want or boost their egos. For instance, when a person loves, he will gently point out the areas of improvement in private with the people concerned and give constructive advice. When a person treats others as tools, he will insult them with harsh words in the public and praises himself and acts superior through his body language. Normally, he will use others as tools to bring attention to himself. Christianity is not about tearing people down but to help building people up. My recent encounter is some friends have criticized me harshly on my appearance, right to my specofic feature. If not, they seem to be gloating over my bad experience at work and keep on telling me my boss might employ me at first because of my big boss above her and she thinks she has employed the wrong person as I am not as brillant as the scholars in the organization. I get upset not because I can't make it. But, I just do not understand by putting me down, what good does it do to these friends of mine? Does it mean that they are any smarter? Does it prove anything? Anyway, these friends of mine fail in their careers. I do not understand why they want friends to fail like them, then they will be happy. I do not remember I have ever gloated over their failures as I do not think it is fun to do so, neither does it show that I am smarter than them. I know how it is like to be put down. I do not wish to do the same to them. So, why are they doing this to me? If my friends succeed, I am more than happy for them, man.
Maybe, I am pretty tired of such people. I know I am being judgemental and I am not any better. I am praying to God to help me handle these people. One thing I have learnt is I must stop being so judgemental and keep on reminding myself that I am also capable to be like them. I also have my own flaws. I must keep reminding myself that everyone needs time to change and all of us are in the process of growing, including me. By being judgemental, I am showing my arrogance within and can be easily self righteous.Sometimes, I get irritated by these people as I can feel how inadequate or insecure or tortured they are inside and I do not know what to do and how to deal with what I have sensed inside them. I think that is when I need to surrender them to God and ask God to help them. Maybe, all is required from me is just prayers for them and leave the rest to God.
Well, I have moved on with my new life, whether good or bad, I must hang on. Some of my church friends find out recently that I have left the church. It does not bother me what they think and I know some of them have been circulating rumours behind me which I happen to know. But,. it does not matter anymore. Ironically, I feel more peacful leaving the church as I do not have to handle all the pretension, rumours, 'fanclubs' members, etc. I no longer have to face the pain of my loved one acting or pretending what or who he/she is not. He/she can do what he/she likes. It is no longer within my hands. I can only hope that he/she is really happy living in that way for the rest of his/her life. Life is more than that. They can continue to do what they want. Hopefully, they will wake up one day to treasure what they have and give thanks for all the blessings. Ok, more and more high level of work is thrown back at me again. Good news in a way as I know I won't be unemployed for the time being. My priority now is my career. Other than that, nothing is more important than my friends and family and God. As for church, I think I may go to the protestant churches to explore further. But I will continue to keep out of Cathoclic churches to stay out of trouble. No matter what, I will keep close to God. If not, I know I can survive alone. So, my mind is to earn more $, $ and more $ to get myself out of entrapment and help my family.
With Love,
Elena
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