Have just come back from a wedding dinner. My gosh! It slipped off my mind completely until my mum reminded me of it just a few hours before it. If not, I could have gone out and met my friend. I am really getting old liao. Wow, I have been attending wedding since my early 20's. Can't even recall how many weddings I have attended. I will always feel honoured to be invited to join in the celebration with the couples. At the wedding dinner just now, I was asked by people when it would be my turn to get married. I just shook my head and told them I would not want to be tied down by anyone.
At the back of my mind, I was thinking I would only get married if a spouse gives me the space and freedom I need other than spending my life to grow old in Love with him. I am really scared to be tied by anyone. Even all the principals and teachers could not tie me down in the past. I got into troubles from time to time in school and some of my teachers were amazed by how I could get out of troubles each time. If it were to happen to other students, they could have been expelled. I am not smart. Somehow, I just managed to get out of troubles. Even my 'mummy' whom I love the most could not tie me down in school. I am dreadful of people trying to tie me down or keeping tab on me or following me wherever I go. I remember there was one guy friend who told me he was trying to keep tab on me so that I would not get into troubles outside. I got so mad that I scolded him.
I don't mind getting into romantic relationships. But, things always go haywired whenever the other parties try to tie me down or control me in any ways. I hate it and will definitely scold them whenever they ask me where I am out of keeping track on me. When they come too close for my comfort, my first reaction is either to shoot them very harsh and hurtful emails or to run away without a word. I also hate people doing things behind me. If a person wants to care for me, care for me directly. If he does not have the guts to care for me directly, then don't even bother to care. I also don't like to be closed in a room for hours. I remember some church people tried to assign me the task of praying in a room for hours. When I refused to, I was accused and judged harshly. Instead of understanding why I refused to take up the task, they judged. Little do they know that I can never spend hours in a small room. I did not want to make promise of taking up the task, knowing that I could not fulfill it. I will only take up a task only when I am confident of fulfilling it. Even cars like lambourginis look nice and trendy. I love the speed. And yet, I simply can't stand to be inside if I have a chance to do so because I feel like I feel suffocating to be enclosed within a small space.
I am not sure if a person like me can ever get married or not. I am just a bird without feet who can never settle down. Even when I visited my teachers, they would gave me that expression of relief upon knowing that I was working somewhere. To them, I am always wandering. One of my lecturers was damn cute. He told me whenever he saw me in Polytechnic, he always thought that I was free. Then, I joked with him by telling him, 'Of course, I am free lah. I am unemployed mah.' He slapped his forehead with his hand explaining to me when he mentioned I was free, he meant I was free spirited to him. Somehow, he is the not first person telling me that. Am I really free spirited? I am not sure. I just know I would not want to be tied by anyone and any stupid rules which people follow blindly. I will follow rules only when they make sense, Somehow, I love travelling. God has created the world so big and beautiful that I think I have not lived life to the fullest if I die before exploring the places. I have been travelling with friends most of the time. I travelled alone when I used to go on business trips. Somehow, I prefer to travel alone. It is more convenient. I am always fast on my feet. So, if I travel alone, I would not have to worry if my travelling companions can catch up with me or about their safety. If anything goes wrong while travelling alone, I am the person who bear the consequences and will not drag anyone to get into shit with me.
I am very blessed that I am ugly. Why do I say so? Being ugly, I would not attract attention from anyone and I can conveniently travel to wherever I want. My ugly appearance makes it more convenient for me to travel freely. I do not like to draw attention to myself. In fact, I do not need any praises to survive. I feel very awkward whenever people praise my look as I think I have failed in terms of appearance according to the worldly standard. A beautiful appearance will only have more eyes on me and more guys to pursue me. It is troublesome to be beautiful. If I were to be rich one day, I will never go for any plastic surgery unless I have a freaking horrible accident which disfigures my face so much that it scares people. I am happy with my looks and I believe God has His purposes for giving me such appearance. I am a Hainnese. According to many people and friends who tell me straight to my face, Hainanese women are well known for their ugly looks with square shaped faces and large boned body structure. I accept it as it is and I will still not go for plastic surgery. I feel hurt not because I am ugly but because as my friends, they choose to hurt me with words. A sensitive and considerate friend will never insult his/her friend no matter how ugly he/she is. Eversince when love includes insulting or hurting friends and loved ones with words? Anyway, by telling me I am ugly, what can I do with my appearance since I am born with it?
In fact, I am blessed to have such ugly appearance. Why? If a guy really marries me, I know that he really truly loves and accepts me as who I am but not how I look. He has looked beyond my ugly appearance to love me as who I am. Neither am I rich nor smart. I am a Diploma holder who cannot even write proper English or pronounce words accurately from a poor family. I am nothing. If a man is willing to marry me, knowing all my flaws and background with my ugly appearance, I am convinced that he truly loves me as who I am. Most men would prefer spouses or girlfriends with attractive appearances or capabilities or wealth for them to bring out with them to boost their egos to the others. My ugly appearance gives me less worries that a man marries me for my looks which my more attractive friends would have to worry about. Till now, no man has ever turned his head to look at me for my appearance for just one more second. So, I do not have the troubles of attracting guys or eyes with my appearance. I am glad to be unnoticed so that I am free to go everywhere.
If I do not get married by 35 years old, I will just go to a studio and take some photographs of me in wedding gowns. I may seem tomboyish and can't be bothered with my appearance. Actually, I can be quite vain and want to see myself in wedding gowns. I really want to see how pretty or beautiful I can be in such wedding gowns as I have never seen myself pretty or beautiful in appearance till now. Women, no matter how they look, will always miraculously look very radiant and beautiful in wedding gowns. Why do I choose to take photographs of myself in wedding gowns and not getting married after that? To me, by 35 years old, I will start to have wrinkles all over my face and body. Beyond 35 years old, I will be too old to be in wedding gowns no matter how beautiful or well made the wedding gowns are. I really want to have nice and beautiful photographs with my spouse as memories for us to look back after many years of marriage. Some women still look very beautiful or pretty beyond 35 years old. But, I am definitely not one of them. Now, I have started to have wrinkles over my face and I am putting on weight with big waist and hip. My legs are getting more and more similar to pig legs. By 35 years old, I will not only have ugly appearance but also flabby arms, fat waist and hip and legs with a lot of wrinkles.
Well, I accept it as part of the ageing process. If I am not married by 35 years old, I will just continue to be a bird without feet and travel alone. I know the danger of travelling alone. But, I really enjoy the freedom. I seem to have got used to loneliness till now. I enjoy to be alone. I can always travel alone around the world if I have got no friends or spouse to travel with me in the future. No matter what, I am happy to be ugly as I am free from all eyes and troubles which my beautiful or pretty friends face. As I have been telling my friends often, my ugly appearance exists so as to accentuate their beauties. If there is nothing ugly in the world, how can we ever distinguish the beauty from the ugliness? They should thank me for existing so that their beauties can stand out.
Ok, that's all for my sharing. Have been busy since I came back from Hong Kong on last Thursday. I don't remember having many friends in my life since I am a difficult person to get along with. Somehow, I have been getting invitations to go out with friends, wedding dinners and housewarming parties. Where do these friends come from suddenly? Anyway, I thank them for remembering me that they still invite me to be part of their fun and celebrations. Enjoy myself while I can. I think I am losing my job as that monster is taking roles out of my jobscope. I am ready to be sacked. If anyone were to read this blog, please pray for my niece. It is confirmed that her right kidney does not function at all. No words can express my feelings I have for her inside. I know how hard it is for one to go through operations since I have gone through my minor ones. Once any body goes through the surgery knife, it will be different. The body can never be as good or strong as in the past. I really can't bear to see her going through that knife when she turns one year old. It is especially painful when I am getting closer to her each day since I see, kiss and talk to her almost everyday in my house. I am feeling very sian inside. The feeling is what the fuck! How I wish I can have suffer for her. I am old enough and have enjoyed the world for almost 33 years. She has not enjoyed much and has to go through such pain and suffering. God was quite kind with me. I got into deep shit at work by using one term in my document which other staff and departments found alright but the monster made a big fuss over it and wanted to have a discussion on it with my colleague, reporting officer and me. Her so called discussion is always accusation, shouting or screaming. I am sick of it. She just does not listen. After receiving the confirmed bad news of removal of my niece's right kidney when she turns one in last Friday morning, I was in a very nasty mood and prayed that I would not have to go through that discussion with that monster as I knew she would accuse me of things again. Even my reporting officer knew that that monster was trying to make things difficult for me by picking on that word and taking a chance to vent her tantrums on me since she has been very stressed out by her promotion and throws her tantrums on everyone in the department, causing a lot of tension. After lunch break, her mood turned better and she accepted my reporting officer's explanation why I used that term in that document since it was an acceptable accounting term in other documents after checking with the Finance Department. What the heck lah! I studied accounting before and have been working in big organizations for years. I will know that word can be used. What the fuck! She did not even bother to find things out before she jumped and made a big fuss over it. I am very sick of her accusations. If I were to get accusations from her on that day again, I would have shouted at her and quit. I was just not strong enough to face her nonsense right after receiving that bad news from my sister and I was worried about my sister. God knew I could not handle that monster on that day and my prayer was answered and I managed to escape that confrontation with her. Never mind about me. Please pray for my niece no matter what your religion is. She needs prayers.
Ok, have to stop writing now. I am writing this blog entry with the techno music blasting in the background. Maybe, time to go clubbing again to shake off all those fucking feelings. Thinking of getting a driving licence so that I can speed in another country. I love speeding but will never want to cause accidents to kill others. I am out of church liao. Too unclean to step in and receive communion. Most church people have their own rules and standards which I can never meet no matter how hard I have tried. Nothing wrong with them. It is just me being weird. I am very uncomfortable around these holy people. They are beautiful while I am ugly. Never mind about how they look at me since they are all out of my life and me out of theirs. Anyway, I know God still loves me and has never abandoned me. I will continue to keep close to Him through regular prayers and meditation on the Scriptures. The other way is to spend quiet time with Him alone by keeping in touch alone with the nature which is His creation. Also thinking of signing up for art therapy, vocal, keyboard or dancing course to keep in touch with the Arts for me to express my feelings or energy and keep in touch of my human side. If not, I will become very warlike and cold again in the cold and harsh corporate world under that monster. Perhaps, I may marry a Catholic one day and go back to church to receive communion again with my spouse as my guidance. Meanwhile, I will stay out since I have no guidance and I may get into troubles in church again, causing anyone and myself hurt or pain. I will never ever let go of God for without Him, I would not have existed out of Love. My breath is out of His breath of Love. No matter how ugly I am according to the worldly standard in people's eyes, I know I am a beautiful child of God as I am part of Him Who is Perfect.
With Love,
Elena
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