Just come back from my shopping spree with friends. One pair of shoes cost more than $100 even after discount. It is a pair of leather shoes for guy. I took the smallest size for myself as I feel comfortable in man's shoes for office wear. I can wear them for years. So, come to think of it, it is still economical lah. I am getting more and more materialistic. Well, at least, I am satisfied during those moments. If not, I will go crazy. Of course, these items can never be compared to God. I am still aware that God is still in my life to carry me throughout my life with His Invisible Hands. If not, I could have killed myself when I was in Sec 2.
My life is kinda meaningless now. In my heart, I know I am handling issues more than I can handle. When I am busy, I do not feel it. But, when I am alone in the quiet night, it becomes overwhelming. But, I know I am not alone. If I am left alone, I would be writing this blog entry at IMH. I know God's Invisible Hands are still carrying me through. During weekdays, most of my daytime will be at work facing that monster. Nobody knows when she will flare up. Frankly speaking, I am very aware that I cannot fit in. The culture in that department under the monster is too rigid. I do not know how to be creative and flexible with a lot of restrictions within the small box. Maybe, I am not as brillant as those scholars who can still be smart and creative within that small box. I am lost. I feel like a wheel trying to fit into a box. Even writing an email becomes a fear to me. I hesitate alot before sending each email. I did not have that problem in my previous organizations. But, somehow, I am fearful to even send an email now. What has happened to me? I know I am going to lose everything in July. That will be my 'best' birthday gift, man. I know the monster is going to find an excuse to get me out of the organization. My colleagues told me she is only interested in staff who are scholars and witty and eloquent which I am none of them. Shit lo...
However, during her absence, a few of us who are young staff in the department came together to have a heart-to-heart talk with one another. All of us are sharing the same sentiments that we have been swallowing bitter pills which are damaging to our health. One of them wanted to throw her resignation letter a few times but she tried to keep her cool. She hated it when she realized that her character has changed for the worse under that monster. The other one simply swallowed all the bitterness and frustration and his self esteem was affected. At least, I am not alone to face the monster. God's invisible hands carry me through them. They support me in my work and encourage me at times. We share our thoughts and feelings from time to time, sometimes with our reporting officer who is feeling the same way. God's hands have also come in by promoting the monster so that she will be seated in a room away from us, reducing the tension in the air though she is still covering my department. My colleague is nice to show his care by checking if I am alright. He even conforted me and asked me not to feel inferior for not being a scholar. I am quite touched by his words and care especially when he, himself, is a scholar. Well, I did mention to him that I am not inferior at all for not being a scholar as compared to them. It's just that I need more time to brush or pick up certain skills as I have not gone through higher education where higher analytical and writing skills are taught. I have to work and learn such skills at the same time. But, the monster does not allow that and expect me to be on par as the scholars. I know I can't make it during these two months of review by her from the indication of her removing my roles. I am taking it easy. I will just continue to learn from the reports that they have written and learn as much as I can before I leave. All I can do is to do my best and leave the rest to God.
After work daily, I will return to the 'hotel'. Why do I use 'hotel' because I do not feel it like a home? It is just a place for me to rest. One family member struggles harder than me while the other two just want money. Whenever they come near or open their mouths, it is about money. Not enough money, still want to dump our money into the sea of 4-D and Toto. I am simply very tired of this 'hotel'. Sometimes, I just want to run away once and for all. I am very tired of handling them almost throughout my whole life. What have I done wrong to deserve this? They never plan for us. All they want is money. No love at all. The more money has been contributed to the 'hotel', the more I do not have decent meals at home, the more money they demand. If unemployed and happen not to have money for them, it won't be long before I am known as unfilial. So, my reputation is gone long time ago. What happens to me outside, nobody knows. Care is given only when I faint right in front of one of them. Why must they have to wait till I faint then care is given?
The Invisible Hands come in that 'hotel' as I still have siblings to mingle with and suffer together. They do care though we are not really close. But, we do share thoughts and feelings with one another. One of my siblings asked me to leave the 'hotel' to venture elsewhere. If not, both of us will 'die' together. Well, I just can't dump him like that. He claimed that I just need one more step to get into university and for him, he will take at least 8 to 9 years to get in. So, it is more practical for me to leave now for further studies and come back when I earn more money with higher education. I know his well intention. But, I just can't run away like that. At least, I am comforted that he cares. He will sometimes rent Hong Kong drama serials for me to relax and I appreciate that. But, I really don't know how to get him out of being squeezed.
I am also struggling something deep within. This is the third time I am doing it. My mind is still going strong but my heart is pulling me in the opposite direction. The first time I did it was when the person was seriously ill with her long term rare disease. I cut off all communication with her with the advice of her spouse. She tried to get near me but I ignored as I wanted to cut her off so that she did not have to handle me as I knew I could be very difficult and stressful for her to handle. I thought that was the best for her. Who knows I made a big mistake? She had never given up on me and even left me with some legacy which I used up for my Polytechnic education. I have to live for the rest of my life with regrets. I thought that by cutting her off ruthlessly, she would let go and forget about me and lead her life happily with her family. But, she had never given up on me and her spouse had told me to go back to the same church at the same time weekly where I saw her fornightly. She came near a few times but I chose to ignore her even though my heart really wanted to speak to her. Who knows that is the greatest regret in my life? She passed on after I had told her spouse I wanted to write her an apology letter but before the letter reached her. To aggravate the situation, according to a professional counselor years later, a teacher counselor from my school advised me wrongly and my guilt turned into remorse. It took me eight years to recover and get over it. The Invisible Hands came through this professional counselor at Polytechnic who was also a Catholic set up a simple altar and brought me through the grieving process and had a proper closure.
The second time I cut off a relationship ruthlessly because he was too close to me. He was one of the Invisible Hands who brought me through that period of grieving process which I have just mentioned. He was my 'brother'. In the end, I felt we were too close. At that time, my health was really bad, fainting once in awhile and was emotionally unstable. He went through a lot of pressure with me. I could get through that period of time because of him. I could see he was a promising man. So, I wanted to stop the relationship to go deeper and I cut it off ruthlessly. He was hurt. Till now, he refuses to acknowledge me when he sees me outside. I did not mean to hurt him. At that time, I was diagnosed with a serious disorder which has been realized to be a misdiagnosis by the specialist recently after 12 years. I was afraid to be a burden to him and I did not want to hinder him from going for a better woman who could give him happiness. I have not regreted giving him up as I know he is very succesful in his business now. I am not sure if he is married but I believe he will marry a good woman. I am only sorry that I was too harsh in my letter to him to break the relationship. I am still thankful that he was one of God's Invisible Hands to get me through that tough time of grief.
Now, the third time of breaking away is very hurtful and difficult. I also don't know why. I have been cutting away completely from the big group. I even stop going to place which I used to hang around daily just not to be reminded of the times we had there. I have even stopped reading some materials which I did weekly. I literally give up everything just to do what I think is right. I am not sure if I am right. By the fact that he is leading his life with joy with a lot of people loving and supporting him, I think I am doing the right thing. At least, he does not have to slog like shit and get abused outside like me. I see potential in him getting promoted and I do not want to hinder him. I keep on telling myself everything has been my wishful thoughts and slapping myself with he has never liked me. Somehow, my heart is pulling me in an opposite direction. I keep on feeling that he is very near, even when I was in Hong Kong and it freaked me out. For God's sake, I don't even see him at all and even break all forms of communication and even stop reading anything from him. Why do I feel he is near? It's so difficult to get him out of my heart. Since when has he become so deep in my heart? To me, out of sight, out of mind. I do not know what has been happening to him as I know he is well taken care of since he is so well liked. Since I have no worries for him and know that he is getting on very well and joyful with bright future ahead, why is he still in my heart? Why do I keep on feeling that he is very familar when he is already my history and I am also his past? Sometimes, I think my heart is evil wanting me to take control of my strong mind to sin. The Invisible Hands come in the form of my daily meditation on the Scriptures during weekdays and daily prayers. They also come in the forms of my friends who accompany me from time to time. Sometimes, I just can't take it handling so many issues and the most diffficult one is this issue where I have to keep on slapping myself with he does not like me at all and I am thickskinned to have wishful thinking and reminds myself how nasty he used to insult and treat me whenever he creeps into my mind. Hopefully, as time passes by, he will be out of my heart and stop creeping into my mind. I will never want to ruin a loved one's happiness and future just because I like a person. I will seek all ways to cut off for that person to live in joy. I know I can do it. My 'mummy' in heaven knows I can do it. God knows I can do it. Tough and painful but I am trying to break off completely. Hopefully, I am doing the right thing by cutting off completely. I know his life is much better without me. He has forgotten me. I believe if I am meant for marriage, God will bless me with a man who loves me as who I am, as a part of himself and goes through thick and thin with me. I am not being noble. Though I am not sure how he is getting on now, I know that he is well taken care of and he is going towards his bright future ahead. I just hope that he will live with joy and meaning with the others while appreciating and loving himself as who he is. I still believe in him till now. I also thank him in my heart that he has made a great impact in my life and touched me deeply.
Ok, time to sleep liao. If not, I will become a panda when I go to work. Not sure where I am heading to though my future is bleak and I am going to lose my job. I believe God has His plan for me. No matter where I go, God's Invisible Hands are still carrying me through it all.
With Love,
Elena
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