This is getting too much. The monster shot me with an email. early in the morning to warn me of my performance. I had one major event which involved the whole group of staff including a few departments with the top management. She had asked me to do a set of the fun facts slides which was to be played for one minute. I did it and she was not happy about it and overwrote everything and told me I misunderstood her meaning. The issue was my colleague and I understood her instruction in the same way. When she first saw the draft, she did not mention that we had misunderstood her meaning until we completed it. I wasted all my time and efforts on it. She asked me to do a second draft. Then, she promised loudly in front of everyone that she would send emails to her colleagues at the same level as her to get their photos for the fun facts slides (which were not important for the event at all) and not to worry about the administrative part. Then, she went on leave without sending the emails. Obviously, that loud proclaimation had got no weight but just a vaccum. On the next day, she came to me expecting me to force the photos out of the bosses even though some of them had expressed unwillingness to have their photos taken and expected me to step on their toes. The most insulting thing was she asked two staff from other departments to take over the fun facts slides just the day before the event without consulting their bosses first and they stayed overnight to do those unimportant slides. All of us shook our heads. What impression would they have on us? Incompetent or lazy? All of us were burnt out because of her. Changes are inevitable but not when a boss keeps on changing directions at the last minute which contradicts one another most of the time and expects everyone to step on one another's toes and expects us to do certain things which could not be delivered at the last minute just because of what she wants while making empty promises and pushing blame on everyone else. What kind of leader is that who does not own her own responsilbility and words? I had sleepless nights again due to the event yesterday. You know what? She asked me to change the other set of powerpoint slides within two hours and send it to her boss the evening just before the event. For such slides with many pictures, normally, people would take two to three days to do it. She expected me to complete it within two to three hours. On the day of the event itself, she asked my other colleague to change her slides. Everyone felt insulted and stressed out. The 'best' thing was she took leave just before the event and she pushed the blame to us that we never cleared the slides with her. Days before that, she simply refused to look at the slides or kept quiet when she happened to see some of the drafts. Who to blame? All of us suffered under her. At the end of every event, we would always feel frustrated, stressed out and burnt out. We do not mind the workload. But, the issue lies with her. She refuses to take up the responsibily as a leader and pushes all responsibilties and blame to us. She is well known for that in our department. She will go all way to get what she wants and makes empty promises. Sometimes, she has what we need for our projects but has chosen to keep them to herself, leaving us like headless chickens sourcing for those resources wasting a lot of time and energy. All of us know that. All she does is to push all blame on us and accuse us of things. Seriously speaking, she is not suitable to lead this department. She can only do one thing at a time. By the time, she passes down the instructions, it is always very late and we have to firefight at our levels. And, she would keep on changing her mind, like some mad woman.
I am still thinking if I should stay here. I don't need appreciation for my job as it is my duty to do so and I am paid for it. But, I also don't expect blame and accusation repeatedly. I will be handling money matters for the department soon. I would not be surprised if one day, something goes wrong, she would blame me for her mistakes and get me into deep shit in court. She is a good manager but sucks as a leader. She should be grateful that my colleagues in this department are competent and fast. We support one another. If not, she would be dead as she tends to focus on unimportant details and overlook the important big pictures. My silent angel has coverd up for her silly mistakes many times. This monster can't guide and lead staff. She is the worst boss I have ever seen who simply refuses to take up any responsibilty and chooses to blame everyone else but herself and tries to claim credits from the top management for all the hard work. At this point of time, I can only pray for her to be transformed. If not, pray for God to intervene and get her out of the department or get us out of her incompetent leadership if it is God's will. This department is meant for a leader who is fluid and stable who exercises a lot of flexibility and support for staff as the nature of job for this department is highly stressful. She can't make it as she is too rigid and tends to attend to small details which are not important which amazes us. She can't even handle her own stress and will shout at anyone and even finds fault over petty things which are not even issues at all if her mood is out of control. So far, we do not feel support from her at all. One abnormal matter is all of us know that she would accept the opinions from other departments and reject ours even if we are suggesting the same ideas. I do not understand why she behaves that way. What is she trying to tell the others? She is compentent and we are not? Or to get others to sympathise with her for having such incompetent department and she is too stressed out as our boss and it takes a high calibre person to handle such a department? I don't know. She does not even care if we can handle things or not and scold us loudly in front of everyone from time to time. It's all about what she wants, her fame and her image regardless of whether the ideas or goals are realistic to be attained within the very tight time frame.
I really hope that Jesus will tranform her hardened heart and mould her into a loving and Christ centered leader. I only see her in her heart with no space for Christ. I do not see her as a light. Rather, we often see the darkness around her. We only get to see the light when she is occasionally in a good mood. At the rate she goes, all of us are suffering and burning out with a lot of agony and damage to our self respect and esteem under her. Surprisingly, I do not feel lousy about myself as I know I am not as incompetent as she has accused. But, my other colleagues' self esteems have been affected by her as she keeps on putting us down with her anal personality trait. Sooner or later, things will get out of control. When the CEO talked about working in a good enviroment yesterday, my colleague rolled her eyes and I smirked. All our complaints are about her most of the time. We work with one another happily at our level. But, with her, it was like suffering under Pontius Pilate. Sometimes, I hope I can do more to help my colleagues as I see how my colleagues are squeezed and insulted by her. But, I am also squeezed by her and have got no more energy to do more. I am not sure if she knows what she is doing or not and how much damage she has done to us under her and how many people's toes she has stepped on just to get what she wants and claims her credits from the top management. If she refuses to change, she will be crucifying herself and other people may confront her.
As her subordinate, I have lost my confidence and respect for her totally. I no longer see integrity in her. But, I have learnt what a leader should not be from her, giving me a clearer picture of stark contrast between a self centered leader and a Christ centered leader by comparing her with Jesus. I keep on telling myself not to be such a leader to cause the people under me to suffer if I am called to be a leader. Meanwhile, I will do my best as a staff here and a friend to my colleagues. If I can't make it, I will just move on. My parents and friends have asked me to move on as my health is going from bad to worse and I have been feeling very stressed out and unhappiness. See where God is leading me to. I was sending my friend home to Yishun Ring last night. We walked quite a distance before reaching her home from the Khatib MRT station. After sending her home, I decided to continue to walk out of her area to get to the main road through the other route. What I discovered was I got to see different buildings in that area and the Yishun stadium was so near my friend's house. There was quite a nice temple opposite the stadium. If I had chosen to walk back the same route back to the main road, I could have missed certain things and beauty and discovery out. From the serene walk (My friend whom I sent home happens to be Serene.) at Yishun Ring, I have learnt that in life, there are always more than one route to walk. It is up to me to muster the courage and open my mind and heart to walk different routes to explore the beauty of God's creation. I love surprises. That is why I tend to explore new places. My very close guy friend had problems giving me surprises as I tend to know what would be going on and what he would be doing next. Nevertheless, I appreciated him to make the effort to give me a surprise on my birthday a few years ago. I am feeling very bored now. Really hope to have more surprises out of the the mystery of Love. If not. I will be bored to death.
With Love,
Elena
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