God will always make a way when there seems to be no way. In my times when I am not at my best, I will pull out all of my best.

I have got no mood for anything. I am still unhappy inside even in the midst of a group of good friends. All I want is to have a long break away from Singapore. But, that can only happen at the end of this May. All I want is to have a new start, new relationship. The best way is to have a chance to stay overseas. I do not care about who is right or wrong. Whatever is past is past. I have never had any intenton to blame anyone. I just hope to move on to somewhere new. I am feeling very trapped here with a lot of work piling up. I simply have got no energy to work. I really hope to stop walking. There seems to be no way.

I was reading the facebook posts this morning. One of the messages, 'God will always make a way when there seems to be no way. In my times when I am not at my best, I will pull out all of my best.' strikes me. I know I can't give up. Once I give up, the only way is to kill myself. I really do not want to resort to that. The problem lies with I can't even figure out what the way is. Where is it? I am just wandering aimlessly. All the hopes shattered. Can't study. Can't climb up corporate ladder. No family to go back to. Even church can't accept me. What the heck! Why am I even here? I know I should not focus too much on material needs. But, how can I not? My family is depending on my brother and me. My brother is dying from contributing to the household. He has encouraged me to get out of the family situation to venture elsewhere so that I am more equipped to help him in the future. But, can I just leave him alone like that?

It's very noisy here. Where is the quiet place where I can rest? Where is the light where everyone is heading towards? Where is the water where I can quench my thirst? Where is the Love where no conditions are attached? Where am I now? Can I get out of this darkness?  Look at me now. I am fat and ugly. Have been eating nonstop to feel better but doesn't help me to feel better. Who the heck will care if I am in hell or in heaven? My existence will never beautify the world. It will only uglify the beauty of God's creation. I know I can never blame anyone but myself in every situation. Then, why am I still here?

I still don't know what I am hanging on to. I just know that I have to. Is it God who asks me to hang on through His whisper in the air? How I wish I can do whatever I like like what I had done in the past to numb all that is going on within me. But, I know I can't. My body is not mine to do what I want but a temple for the Spirit. I am trying to cope with matters alone, leaving all the people involved out of it. I am bearing my own consequences. I have never blamed the people involved. It is my fault that I can't let go of certain people no matter how hard I have tried to the point of avoidng all possible places and events. Even after stopping to go to those places and events, my heart still misses .........Why are all the feelings still lurking in my heart when I have let go of the people to have their new lives and stop all forms of communication with them? The worst thing is some shows keep on playing the scenes where similar incidents happen between the people and me. What the f**k! It is my own problem. I hate it. Why am I such a weakling? Why do we have hearts? I don't know how to deal with feelings. Why are they such difficult monsters to haunt me?

I have to keep on telling myself to continue to avoid getting those people involved. I have to keep on reminding myself that I am their history. I have to keep on scolding myself they do not care a damn thing about me and I have to stop being such thick skinned to miss them. I want them to continue to move on with their new lives. They are doing very well now. I rather kill myself than to go to them for help. If I can't deal with it, it is my problem. I will swim or sink by myself. Nothing to do with them. I have to keep on telling myself, 'God will always make a way when there seems to be no way. In my times when I am not at my best, I will pull out all of my best.' I have been praying very hard to start anew somewhere. It is still bleeding inside. All I want is to go elsewhere and start anew with new relationship. God knows I am swimming ver hard while bleeding inside. I knwo that He knows. I wonder when a warm hand will come to me and pull me out of the pit to the light or it will ever happen at all.....

In misery,
Elena