Have been back to my wanderlust life for the past few months. Enjoy it alot. My friend and I went for an opposition party rally at Serangoon stadium on the last Friday. My first time experiencing such rally. My area does not belong to that GRC. But, just wanted to see how the experience was like. Interesting. As I was walking out, I shouted the name of the opposition party for fun and the others followed. I am not sure why some people were there. No matter what, at least, they bothered to squeeze with the others there. I saw one or two ambulance sending people to the hospitals with the sirens on. This coming Saturday will be my first time voting. I wonder how it is like and I am still not sure who to vote though my preference is Nicole Seah rather than the Kate Spade girl. Nevertheless, I must never just look at the individual but should look at the whole team and how my vote will impact my life and my family. Things are not as simple as I like it and I do it. Sometimes, one small mistake is enough to give you hell. As long as I want to stay here peacefully, I better be 'wise'.
Nowadays, many shows, especially the Korean and Taiwanese dramas, tend to show the fairy tale romance where the rich men will not mind the status and backgrounds of the women from the poor families. Personally, I have never believed in such fairy tales. There is this Chinese song, 童话, sung by 光良. That song, to me, is just a fantasy that a woman imagines to deceive herself into hoping to have someone to protect and love her. My attitude towards this song is, 'Dream on lah! I believe such men will exist in other blessed women's lives but never mine.' 童话 is a lie to deceive myself. It will never happen in real life. Which guy will be so silly to sacrifce for me? He must have come from IMH. In this modern world where material wants and appearance are so important, which guy will give his comfort, status, reputation or wealth up for me to marry me? It's good to indulge into the imagination in those shows or songs to destress but one must come back to face the reality in life. Call me pessimist. Life experience has taught me to be more practical. So, to me, I will never dream of any good looking, rich and talented men to come near me, not to say to even marry me. I have never believed in fairy tale. Which guys will be so silly as to sacrifice and love me other than Jesus?
Have been going through tough time alone. Very tiring. I am not sure what I am living for anymore. Money, money & money! Where do I dig so much money for these people? If not because of my deceased teacher, I could have ended my life which is a relief to me. I can't because she had given me my second life. My life, in a way, is not mine alone but hers in a way. I know God is using her to sustain me. I am finding ways to get out of certain situation which I have been stuck in for more than 20 years and out of Singapore. At the rate I go, I am not sure how long I can endure. I am not as fortunate as most people who have spouses or partners to walk with them. Even if single, they may have supportive parents. So far, I face things alone, even the results of some medical issues. I thank God I am still standing strong with Him though I am very tired of this lonely road. The prices of items and services here keep on rising and some people here keep on squeezing money out of us even within the family. I have no space to breathe anymore. Health is failing me and I am on the verge of getting sacked if my boss thinks that my health continues to fail me for the next two months even though they claim that I am capable. I have been looking for ways to further study, find jobs in Australia but to no avail. I am still trying. I really want to get out of here as I can't breathe. Don't even have a proper place to rest and I get angry easily and it affects my job performance as my body is screaming for rest. I really need a new life. Easter Sunday is just over. My life is still not getting any better but going worse. I am still dead inside. There is no angel coming to me. Rather, the angel will never come to me as it is too dark for him to find me.
Now, all I am doing is to continue to hang on to God. I don't know how. It's either I swim or sink by myself. I am still finding ways to help myself and destress. Looking forward to going to Hong Kong at the end of May. Meanwhile, I am thrown with three major projects with ongoing tasks though I am underpaid and my health is still sufering. My boss is making my life very difficult. Really dying inside. Now, wandering aimlessly in life. I wonder why God still wants me in this world. What is my purpose of existence here?
I am a very simple person. I just want to be like any normal people getting married with the man who loves me to journey though life with me together as one and set up a family with him and have a successful career. But, I fail in every area. Sometimes, I even think that God is fooling me to send the wrong people into my life to cause my life to be upside down no matter how hard I had avoided them right from the start. Things still happened. So, it is not inevitable that everyone will find a spouse to share the ups and downs with him/her and set up family with his/her loved one. It is a blessing from God. Maybe, my friends were right that I may be destined to be an old maid in the future. Maybe. Whatever it is, I am back to my wanderlust life, shopping, clubbing, travelling around, wandering from place to place whether I like it or not. I am not sure what lies ahead. I do not feel God now but I just know that He is with me. Is this spiritual darkness? I still pray to Him though I am out of church. I have never believed that fairy tale will ever happen to me. I am contented enough that I am not fooled by people. I just hope that rich people will stay away from me if they intend to toy with people's feelings. I have no time and energy with such play. I believe other women can be Cinderella where they will be loved by their princes who love them and sacrifice for them. For me, I will never be the Cinderella.
Ok, at least, I am happy enough that I can still travel around though my health is still the big cross which has been hindering my career, study, romantic relationship, etc. Which guy will want an unhealthy spouse who may not be able to give birth with him or satisfy him in some ways? Which enployer will have compassion to accomodate sickly staff? Health, itself, is wealth. Thank God that you are healthy. As for now, I will continue to wander through life alone. I am a wanderlust with no hope of becoming a Cinderella. All I have is God with and in me now. I am not sure what is coming along the way. All I can do is to swim hard or sink. Whatever it is, hurray, time to drink and drop dead tonight with friends. Time to go clubbing and be drop dead as we do not have to work tomorrow. Cheers to clubbing in town!!
With Love,
Elena
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