Things are getting overwhelming. My projects at work are at their peak period. I am still new to the organization and going through a lot of changes in the organization which I have to learn with confusion even among my colleagues. For this week, I have been working for 10 hours daily without stopping for breaks. In my case, I am not a detailed person and yet I have to force myself to be detailed at work. As usual, I depend on caffeine to help me to stay alert to the details and focus. I know it is bad for health. But, I have no choice. I need to earn a living. I am a ball trying to fit into a square peg. With my educational level, I can only do jobs that are administrative which have never been my forte. I also have to face nasty attitude from some colleagues at work as they cannot handle their stress. So, they throw their tantrum on me. A major event is coming up in mid April. All the colleagues in my team, including me, are struggling to keep things moving as all aspects of the projects keep on encountering problems. We rae all very drained out. My colleagues and I keep on joking with one another that we may have to jump into the Singapore River which is near the venue where we will be holding our event. I told them I would have to jump into the sea as all my papers are having problems with Finance Department since the procurement process is getting very strict after the corruption case was reported in the newspaper within the sector. I guess I may not pass my one year probation at this current workplace at the end of this year. I am feeling very drained and tired. However, on last Friday, we celebrated some colleagues' birthdays. Some of us contributed something to the celebration out of friendship. We let our hair down for the first time to have a little break after a fewe months of battle. I enjoyed myself with them.
Have visited my grandfather in a nursing home in the last morning after my jog at the stadium. No words can express the feelings in my heart when I visited the nursing home. I have been helping people for many years. I even visited and helped out at certain homes at times. However, what I realized when I visited my grandfather was the feelings are very different from the compassion that I had for the people staying at the homes. Feelings run deeper and the pain for him is much sharper. I may have compassion towards people in the nursing home. But, it is definitely different from the feelings that I have for my grandfather. I do not know what to say but to keep silent.
This nursing home is transformed from a very old house which looks run down without repainting. All I saw was a counter and many rooms. In these rooms, I saw many people lying down with different conditions. Some were mentally unsound. Some had their legs amputated. Some had tubes inserted through their noses. When I went into a room where my grandfather was, I really hoped I did not go in. He was lying on the bed. He looked much worse there than he was in the Ang Mo Kio hospital earlier on. His body was only left with skin and bone with a tube inserted through his nose to feed him with milk. What upset me further was the caretaker told me he refused to be fed with the milk at times. He was sleeping most of the time. Even when we visited him, his eyes kept on closing and he told us he wanted to sleep. I should say that I am useless. I can't communicate with him directly as I don't understand Hainanese which he has been speaking and I also need someone to translate what I say to him. One of my aunts asked me how I found the place. I looked at her and shook my head after telling her if I were to stay in that place. To me, dumping him in that place is just asking him to wait for him to die there. My family would like to bring him back to my house and get my relatives to pay for a maid to take care of him since my family can't afford to employ a maid. But, because he is still having a tube inserted through his nose into his body, my relatives do not think that a maid can handle it. At the back of my mind, I am asking myself if that is true as the maid can be trained to feed him through the tube. So, as long as he has the tube with him, we cannot bring him back home. Sigh! What can I do? What I cannot stand is the blanket that my grandfater is using is so dirty. I can't help it but feeling very sad that he is living like any beggars along the street. But, what can I say? I do not have the money to send him into a much better home. Swallow my sadness since I have no money for him to live comfortably. I really can't stand the sight of him being covered with such a dirty used blanket staying in such rundown building. What has he done wrong to deserve it? I am praying for him to leave this world. He is tortured by his illness and his living condition. He has been crying to go home. How would any old people want to die in that place?
I can't do anything much. I can only visit him with my family from time to time to make sure that he is alright. Each visit is a torment to me. But, I know we have to do it no matter how we feel inside. We just want him to know that though my family is poor, we love him in other ways. We want him to know that we are still by his side. My grandfather was a very strong and independent man who was quite well educated and well versed in Chinese calligraphy. It was devastating to see him for the first time throughout my life crying and getting angry over certain issues which my family could not help. He has been crying to go home. But, my family has no say. Sometimes, he was even tied up to prevent him from getting out of the bed as he kept on wanting to get off the bed and might risk falling. We feel helpless. For his remaining days, I just pray that he will spend his remaining days in peace and love that we still care for him with our presence. We are trying to take turns to visit him as much as we can. Whenever I visit him, a mixture of so many intense feelings keep on tossing within me with helplessness. I think this is the cross that I have to carry not just out of my duty as a granddaughter but out of Love before he finally leaves the world. I do not want him to feel that he is old and useless and being dumped as he had told us. In fact, he is very much treasured and loved by us. I can't really talk to him as I do not understand Hainanese. I am also bad with warm body language like a hug or touch or holding his hand like what my relatives and family members do. I hope my presence conveys my Love to him.
Family ties are important. Christian living should always start from the family. How can I claim that I love God and people if I do not even care or love my own family? I have bumped into some Christians who do mission work or help out in church and yet they fight like cats and dogs within their families. I remember vividly about this religious sister when I was under spiritual direction with my ex spiritual director. When I first met this sister, I felt that she was harsh in her words and I could sense that she was very unhappy inside. Later, then, someone revealed to me that I sense things about her correctly as she was having very bad relationships with her family at that time. From what I learn is even before I evangelize, am I aware that what is inside me may be expressed or manifested in my mannerism, behaviour and interaction with others? How can I evangelize and be light to others when others may sense that I am holding on to grudges or hatred in me?
Charity starts from home. I always believe that everyone needs a home. I believe in marriage. Though difficult and it takes a lot of sacrifices and acceptance of the spouse, it is beautiful. It makes one person complete. I am talking about people who are called to get married. As for religious sisters and brothers, priests, consecrated brothers and sisters and priests and singles who are called to be singles, God has created homes for them in other ways. I also do not think that these people are any holier than married people. I often think that the family created by my parents will be very different from the home which I create with my spouse. It takes a lot of efforts and time to build such love nest out of Love from scratch together. I am still single and I cannot say how it is exactly like. If it is God's will, I will get married if the right man comes. Marriage is God's blessing to the man and woman in the Holy Matrimony. It can never be forced. If you ask me, though I know I am quite a weird person whom most people will find problems living with, I will get married according to God's will. I have confidence and trust that God will bless me with someone who can love and accept me as who I am. Maybe, he is as weird as me. Marriage is an adventure with my spouse to me. There is alot of areas for us to explore in the marriage and also in each other and through each other, ourselves which may be hidden or lie dormant deep within. When I become parent, I will understand the pain and time that my own parents have and I will learn to appreciate those poeple who are parents even more, especially my own parents. It is not easy to build and maintain a home. It requires a lot of nurturing and pain and sacrifices. Priests, religious sisters and brothers can apply leave. But, married people, especially those who are parents can never apply leave. Forgiveness and acceptance are the key tools towards harmony in the family, just like how God has forgiven me 'seventy-seven times' and love me as who I am. This is also shown through Jesus' death as an unblemished lamb for our sins so that we can return to God and to be part of Him in Love. In a family, it is also about being forgiving and welcoming that person into the family again and again. You may ask he may not appreciate it and even abuse the mercy. Well, if I pray regularly to stay close to God and work under the guidance of the Holy Spirit, I will know how to forgive and love without being abused in Wisdom.
I am still a single woman handling all matters alone in my life. I feel tired walking alone even thugh I have Christ in me. I am a human afterall. But, I will also never get a spouse out of desperation as this will only lead me to the wrong marriage and cause unnecessary misery. Life is too short for that. Treasure your spouse if you have one. He/She is there to be your confessor for you to be yourself, to go through thick and thin with you in Love. It is also never coincidental that why certain people are part of your family even if you hate them. They are there to help you to grow to be more complete and walk towards holiness. For me, somehow, I keep on sensing that someone out there is meant for me to be my spouse though I have Christ in me. I am still waiting for him though I do not know who the heck that idiot is. No matter who that idiot is, I know he is God's gift to me and I will love and accept him as who he is. I don't if my future spouse is a good looking, talented, popular or rich man. I just hope that my future spouse will be a person who is true to himself and others, humble, responsible, kind, loyal, and love and accept me as who I am. For me, I will simply give up on any guys who do not have the guts to express their true feelings to me no matter how much I may love them as this shows that their pride is more important than me and they do not love me enough for such expression. So, why bother to even wait for them? They can embrace their pride for the rest of their lives. I pray that God will bless me with the adventurous spiritual tour package for me to journey through life with a spouse together. I like to share the same faith with him and enjoy the deep joy and love of going through thick and thin together. Meanwhile, I will continue to lead life to the fullest. If I am called to be single, so be it. God knows what is the best for me though I may admire others for having the gifts of setting up their love nests with their spouses.
I had a nice dinner with my nephew, mother and sister. Our dinner was filled with laughter after many months of tension from various bad news. I am also giving myself a break away from Singapore. Hurray! Going to HongKong at the end of May. The intial plan was I wanted to go overseas alone. Then, my best friend wanted to come along. So, good. God blesses me with my best friend as my companion for this holiday. See, God is so kind to bless me with someone to enjoy this holiday. My friend even handled all the booking of air tickets and hotel room as I can't handle details. I thank God for such help through my friend. I also thank my friend for being my friend for 14 years. I really need this break away from Singapore very badly. If not, I am breaking down soon, handling so many projects at work with so many things happening in my personal life. I thank God for being with and in me. If not, I could not have passed through so many stroms and changes in my life. Though I have not been going to church most of the time as I do not feel any connection with anyone and am sick of seeing many fights, abuses, pretence and politics in church, it does not mean I do not love God. I know I am not as holy as the people there. Even according to a professional psychological test done by professional in church, I can't fit into general population and most people in church find it difficult to accept me as they have certain fixed criteria of a holy person which I can never fit into and I do not intend to change myself into just to fit into their criteria. I have no intention to please anyone or lick any priests' boots. So be it. Also no point getting angry or bearing grudges at all. On my part, I have done my best to fit in until I could no longer be myself. I have changed two parishes. It does not work means it does not work. I will just spend time with God in the church building once in awhile. Just move on. Life is much more than that. But, I see God in many people outside the church. We also talk about God and love God. I am still experiencing God's Love even more outside church. I will spend time through the scriptures and spiritual writings and nature. I will continue to spend regular quiet time with God daily outside church. Without God, I would not be around. Even if I have to marry a non Catholic outside church in the future, so be it. To me, I just want to be myself and true to myself and others while opening myself to God to continue to transform me deep within. I will still communicate with Him regularly because He is my Father who will never abandom me no matter what. He is Love who never fails to love.
With God,
Elena
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