This week has been a madness and energy draining. The major event had ended with success with positive feedback from the guests on the last Thursday. My body finally gave way after the event. I think I may not be able to keep this job with me getting MC the day after the event as I did not sleep for almost 36 hours. Well, I had done my best. I had given all that I could. I know my reporting officer and deputy director may think I have not done well enough especially with me getting MC right after the event. Well, I was really sick as I was down with flu and simply could not get out of bed. I slept throughout the whole day on Friday. I only managed to feel normal yesterday.
Nothing goes well at work. Every aspect of the work presented problems and there was a lot of firefighting for a project to be done right up to the actual event itself on the last Thursday. My colleagues told me this was the first time when literally every aspect of the event had issues. Sometimes, I just don’t understand why things have to happen differently only when I am in the organization. This is not the first time when my colleagues have to face issues that had never happened before I got in. I just feel cursed and even curse my whole team. Why is God not helping me? I am working like a buffalo and my pay does not justify the workload that I am handling. After the staff had taken over me after I had left the organizations, I was told by my ex-colleagues that they did not have to work as hard as me and were shaking legs. Why is that so? All aspects of my life have failed so far. Most people would have succeeded in some aspects of their lives. They may not have successful careers but have nice and warm families. Some may be singles but have successful careers. Some may be enjoying romantic relationships while some may have supportive friends and community. Come to think of it. I have none. Nothing seems to run smoothly for me and I am simply tired of everything. I have tried to get bank loan for further studies. But, have failed as my pay is too low. Besides, I have been severely underpaid. Even my best friend and ex-lecturer were quite shocked by my salary level. My ex-lecturer also wondered how I could ever save up for my studies. My future here is gone. My dream of becoming a psychologist is gone.
To be a psychologist has been in my mind for the past 10 years. Can’t fulfil it as I can’t afford to go for the course. Eight years of getting an honours in part time studies cost almost $55,000. I have always liked to study human behaviour and brain and that is the only thing consistent about me so far. Come to my house and you will see all sorts of personality books that I have. I love changes. So, being a psychologist can fulfil that thirst of mine as people are changing over time. Somehow, people from all walks of life have been coming to me for help and pour out their hearts to me. They are very different and that enriches my life and makes them interesting. Somehow, I feel I am just not equipped enough to help them. Being a counsellor can also help people. But, I can’t go deep into psychology to explore deeper into the core of people. Besides, the pay for counsellors here is peanut and I can’t support my family with that level of pay. I really hope to go deep into psychology. Till now, I still have got no avenue to get financial help to go for further studies in the area of psychology. I really hope to be better equipped to help more people along the way and do some research. I can see the field of psychology expanding as more and more people are seeking psychological help. I really hope to contribute to the society with the passion that I have in psychology by being a psychologist.
Have been looking for ways to venture outwards. I have never liked the lifestyle here though I do not deny that it is safe to live here. After my two weeks of stay in Australia three years ago, I have grown to like Australia. I do not need high position to be happy. If that is my goal, I would have held on to high position. All I want is quality of life where I enjoy every moment and I walk my life journey. Not like what I am doing now, I am running my life journey with my hectic work and fast paced lifestyle. I can’t be bothered with whose pay and position are higher than mine, who is more popular than me, who is smarter, etc. I just can’t be bothered with such things. Rather, I get very irritated whenever people start comparing with such things. These people only make themselves to be petty and tunnel-visioned as life is more than such things. I have been a wanderlust. Just put me anywhere and I will find a way to survive. I have been praying for a new life overseas. Currently, I am still searching for ways to work in Australia to have a taste of a different lifestyle. I always think that since God has created such a big world, it will be a waste if I do not explore other countries before the Lord calls me home. I am really unhappy here. Since I am unhappy here, I do not believe in just complaining without doing anything about it. I have been trying to stay here and go all ways to be happy. But, I feel more trapped here. I know there may be racial discrimination in other countries. Well, here, I have been getting some form of discrimination since young. So, it does not affect me if I stay overseas.
Last night, there was a show on how a dedicated teacher had touched the lives of her students despite her illness. Ultimately, she saved two students in a car accident and died. I have been feeling life is meaningless at this point of life. I am just going through the routine of living without much passion and enthusiasm but in entrapment. God has spoken to me through this show. He reminded me how my deceased teacher whom I called ‘mummy’ had loved me. I remember vividly how mummy had come to me for help on one Saturday as she had relapse from lupus. I just could not understand why she had to go to school to give tuition on that Saturday instead of staying at home to rest. By the time she looked for me, she could not really walk. I even found her silly as many teachers and students did not appreciate what she had done and mocked at her. Sometimes, when she needed help, people simply passed by her and ignored her. Many teachers and students thought that I saw her as an idol stalking her as I kept on staying in school. She even sent me into the principal office thinking that I was a lesbian. It shattered my heart as I was in my vulnerable state coping with a lot of family issues and health problem alone.
I did not explain to anyone why I stayed back in school. I did not bother about what people said. I have never idolized anyone throughout my life as people are still people afterall. It does not make sense to me that I have God and I still worship people. All I wanted to do was I wanted to stay back in school just in case she needed help. She did come to me for help a few times. Somehow, I was not affected by what people accused me of. Then, I explained to her why I stayed back in school as I did not want her to have unnecessary fear which gave her stress. Slowly, our misunderstanding melted with Love and she even left me with some legacy for me to go through my polytechnic education even right after her death. Well, people around us still misunderstand us, thinking that I idolize her and she showed favouritism. Does it really matter? What matters is I am really blessed to have her in my life. She had taught me how to be true even in the midst of misunderstanding. I saw her true love shining through her cold and stoic exterior. She still stood strong and true despite her colleagues’ discrimination and the students’ mockery. She did not back off and give up teaching and caring for others despite her battle against her illness which caused her pain daily. Most importantly, she was the person who brought me to the Catholic church for me to get closer to God. I am convinced that the Catholic faith is real because I had experienced Christ in her. No matter how I had caused her blood pressure to rise, no matter how deeply I had hurt her, no matter how mean I was to her, she did not give me up till her death. She truly forgave me ‘seventy seven times’. Though petite and cold in appearance, I often wonder where she had this big and generous heart to accept and love me, never giving up on me if not for Christ in her.
I wonder how many people understand what holiness is about. If one is not true to himself or even his feelings, how can he be true in love with others and God who has created him? How can Love be ever pure without sincerity and truth? There were martyrs who had died in faith. However, over the years, I have realized that some people, even authorities have misunderstood what martyrdom is about. These martyrs who had died in faith were the ones who died in joy despite persecutions and suffering out of Love. They died for Love and in Love. Some authorities think that they should die like them like giving up marriage to be priests or religious brothers and sisters. And yet, many times, it has shown that they are just not meant to walk the path of celibacy and they misunderstand that by continuing to walk the path in the name of walking in suffering like the martyrs and holiness, they are walking in holiness. Little do they know that people are watching them. Indication is very clear when they are sent to somewhere to study or work and they choose to rebel and come back. That is the first indication. When one suffers overseas, he will continue to persevere in faith as he knows that what he is studying or doing will benefit his or her children when he is back to his country or wherever he goes. He will obey with fidelity no matter what he is going through. If he defies, he can make all sorts of excuses to cover up the real reasons. He has deprived himself to grow out of his comfort zone. I really wonder how much he has loved God. The other indication is that he just does his duties within his own job scope and refuses to do extra duties out of Love. He is very calculative with his time. The other indication is he only serves certain groups of people. Did Jesus only serve a group of people or did he only die for certain groups of people? The other indication is he brings glory to himself and seeks attention to himself. Such people with these few indications are better off getting married as they will truly learn how to grow and love God intimately through their spouses who are different from them. They may need another human beings to touch them with God’s love intimately within them instead of just getting superficial attention from others which only satisfy them at a superficial level and yet they continue to feel misery with no joy at all deep within when they are alone. Through marriage, they will understand and experience truly what holiness and sacrifices for Love are all about. Sad to say, many people are just too fixed and rigid in mind that they have blind faith following the laws and preconceived personal perception but not true faith with the Spirit of Love.
Sometimes, it is true that the people of opposite genders are tempting them. Sometimes, these people are just tools to tell them to face themselves deep within. Some ultimately drop out due to temptation where they suffer further as no objects of temptation will last. However, some drop out after they are called to which result in condemnation by the others and yet they lead more meaningful lives which truly transform them and draw them nearer to holiness. In fact, I admire them for their courage as they dare to walk in truth despite misunderstanding and condemnation from others. They choose to be themselves and walk in truth. Only by facing their true selves and have the courage to walk in truth, then God can transform them deep withn and their love towards others will be sincere. It is dangerous when one has misconception towards holiness and martyrdom. It will only lead them to self glorification, claiming that we will never understand their suffering and vocations as if it is any easier to be single or married. Well, what can I say? I am already out of church. Anyway, one person who is a saint to me is my mummy. I had seen how she had suffered in faith through her undying love for me and other students despite hurts and misunderstanding. I had seen how she had loved in fidelity towards her husband and daughter. She was a rare gem who dared to be herself and true in Love. This is what I truly call martyrdom. She had walked in holiness with all her flaws as who she was, drawing me closer to God and experiencing the Love of God through her. How many people such courage to be themselves and love with sincerity despite misunderstandings and persecutions? Times have changed. Think out of the box with the Spirit of Love and you will find the Way.
With Love,
Elena
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