Just came back from my sister's house. I enjoyed myself with a church friend after my jog at the stadium. I thanked her for giving me the privilege of listening to her pouring out her heart. Then, I went to the new nursing home to see my granfather. He looked fine and the environment of the new nursing is much better. The location where he is sleeping is airy and bright. At least, the blanket which he is using is clean!! The conditions of the people here are much more normal without making a lot of noise. This does help in my grandfather's psychological state. But, my nonsensical relative may transfer him to that old and dirty nursing home which he stayed before this just because she does not know how to go to this new nursing home!! What the heck!! It's as if she were going to stay in the home. What kind of mentality is that for having convenience for herself at the expense of my grandfather's living environment? Ok, more conflicts in the family. I violently object!!
I think I have given myself the last chance to try my best to fit into the Catholic church but have failed. I went for a talk last night. The speaker was one of my favorite preachers as he would preach with depth. So, I rushed from work which ended at 7plus in the evening and reached the place for the talk at 8plus. Normally, when the speaker joked, I would laugh heartily. What he preached would get into my ears. Don't know what happened last night. I just felt the atmosphere weird. When he joked, I tried to laugh but I did not laugh with my heart. Most of what he preached did not get into my ears. Rather, I had this weird feeling that the session was like a fan club gathering. Some people did go there sincerely for the talk while the others were there to support the speaker. I do give the speaker the credit that he had done his job very well. He did make the audience laugh and listen to him at the same time. As long as what he preached touched the people, I am contented enough. Nevertheless, nothing he talked about touched my heart anymore. Somehow, I know I no longer find meaning in community life in church other than the sacraments which still hold deep meaning to me. I felt disconnected from the people and the speaker, like I am just an audience watching them in a show. Maybe, I am sick of seeing all the pretence and idolization and favoritism in church. I am normally sharp at catching people's motives or sense what some people are feeling inside. I hope what I had sensed last night was wrong. What disturbs me greatly is what the speaker was feeling inside. He definitely did not have any ill intention. I just feel disturbed but can't tell what. Well, it is not important anymore since I have decided to leave the church. Anyway, God and the people around him will take care of him which he enjoys too. I will go back for the sacraments once in awhile. Nothing wrong with the Catholic faith. Nothing wrong with God. There are also a few sincere people around. I am just sick of seeing such scenes. I am not leaving with any anger or resentment. What I look for is sincere hearts towards others and self which are rare. I will never abandon my faith. God never fails me in my life no matter where I am. Now, the whole world is my church instead of just being confined within that building. I will still lead a community life no matter where I go.
OMG! This week has been a crazy week with the event coming on next Thursday. I am not sure why all issues which had never happened in the past happen when I come in. A lot of changes which my colleagues have never encountered before. I have been so tired that I really yearn to have one week of break just to sleep. Have been having insomnia as my mind refuses to shut off at night since it has been too active during the day. The only way to handle the stress is to joke and fool around with my colleagues to keep the tension down. I am the blur cock in my department as I tend to be careless and can't remember details. My reporting officer keeps on laughing at my blur cock trait. In return, I also called her 'Orang Utan' because of the way she ate her nuts. Sometimes, we complain to one another about the problems that we face at work. This helps us to be more united in the same boat. I really feel the unity in my team and we are out to help each other in the same boat just like how the disciples are in the same boat facing the storms together. I am surrendering my whole team to Jesus to help us to calm the situation. One more week to go before I move on to another quite major project. My body has been giving me signal to rest. No choice. Can only catch up with my sleep during the weekend. I don't know how long I can take it. But, my body has come up with red light for me to have a stop. I know I may not pass my probation at the end of this year. Well, I have done my best. I will lift it up to God.
Sometimes, I just do not understand why some people harp on small matters, even down to my status of the communicator at workplace. Communicator is MSN which we use for communication online at my workplace. I can't believe a person with high position kept on harping me on the status of the communicator being busy. Even some of my colleagues got some scolding over small matters. This set me thinking if I will end up like her if I am not careful. I am not judging her. She is just a warning to me that I may end up like her if I am not careful. I am just wondering if she feels miserable being disturbed by every small little thing even though I don't deny that she is capable not lacking in material wants and status. How can she ever experience peace deep within? She also has this mentality that the singles should mingle in the office after work instead of going home. However, after work, some people like me, have something on. It does not mean that being single, I only have work life and that's it. I also have my family life, social life, spiritual life, etc. Life is more than just work. I wonder if her distorted mentality is because of her imbalance in life. The goverment encourages us to get married and give birth. How to do that if I have to work more than 9 hours daily being drowned in various roles and projects? By the time I reach home, I am half dead. Sometimes, I am so tired that I go straight to bathe and sleep without dinner.
I remember my ex-reporting officer asking me if I really want to spend all my time travelling around the world for work and nothing else. Is that what I want? I am grateful she shared with me her personal experience as a single in her late 30s. She had achieved all she wanted such as car, house, travelling around the world, money, etc. But, when she went home, all she faced were the four walls alone at home. What she had achieved did not satisfy her in the end. She advised me while I am still young (Ok, I am not that young too.), I should really think for myself if I really want to travel around the world for work and earn so much money and yet feeling lonely at home in the end. Well, I do seriously think over it. To me, it depends on which vocation is for me. There is nothing wrong with being single if I am called to be.
Many people, including myself, have this distorted perception that people who are single right into their midlife till they die tend to be abnormal. Abnormal in what sense? Abnormal in a way that they are moody, bad tempered, unpredictable, anal, unfriendly, etc. Actually, being single can be as normal as anyone who is married as long as I know how to harness the energy within me and balance my life. For married couples, they have each other to go through thick and thin together. For singles, they can always have a network of close friends to support one another and close ties with family. For married people, they can channel their creative sexual energy through lovemaking to bear fruits of Love. For singles, they can always channel such creative sexual energy through arts, regular exercise, learning new things, music and reaching out to help and connect with others. A person can only become abnormal, whether single or not, is when his/her life is lop-sided where he/she focuses herself/himself on one or two aspects of life so much that it is done at the expense of the others. For instance, most singles will focus so much in their careers that they do not have time to build close bonds with the others. When they are at home alone, they will feel very lonely. When they need to talk to someone, they realize that they have got no one to talk to. This insecurity deep within may manifest in the form of possession of certain things or people such as earning as much money as possible using more and more money to fill that emptiness within or controlling the lives of the other family members or colleagues until they are running their lives for them to the point of suffocation. Some even release the sexual energy through the pleasure of having sex with others before marriage. Some even mistake such acts of casual sex as an expression of love.
I am hitting 33 years old in less than 3 months' time. I have been helping many people and getting involved with church ministries for years. I have been spending regular time with God. Sorry to say that I do not feel fulfilled inside though I do feel some joy when others are happy from my help. At this point of time, I do not see the meaning of earning money at work and go home. Then, spend my weekends with friends and family members. Something is still lacking. I am contemplating to save some money and spend some time staying overseas to have a new life. It is definitely not escapism. I just need a new life. I am what some people called a bird without feet. I have been a wanderlust for years. I will continue to move on and help others whoever I am called to along the way. If you don't see me in Singapore, most probably, I have moved overseas to venture out. I simply loathe Singapore lifestyle. I do not see the quality of life here. Life is not about getting high pay with high position bringning glory to myself. I am earning more and more money, my position is getting higher and higher, but I am still not happy. I will stop being a bird with two feet only when God blesses me with a spouse who gives me the two feet to settle down. That is another way to have a new life with meaning. I was at my sister's house just now. I was looking at my niece who is two months old. As I looked at her, I felt a sense of peace. I still can't handle kids and don't know how to do marketing till now. But, if I am blessed with a spouse, he can help me with it. God will deal with everything. If no spouse, I will continue to be a bird without feet helping people and experiencing life.
I am a simple person. After so many years, my values keep on changing, from ambitious ones down to the simple one. My ideal is just to spend each day with peace with my spouse and bear fruits in Love, enjoying family life in our love nest. And, we reach out to help others together. I do not need limelight and glory. Over the years, I have got all the attention and love I need from the people in my life. Some have passed on. Had got some awards or recognition. Enough for me. I would like to have a taste of how it is like to live as one with a spouse. It is a beautiful and awesome form of art to live with another person with his individuality so intimately as one. Bravo to God for us to have a taste of paradise of how it is like to be a part of Him through being a part of each other in marriage! How it is like to have a life in my womb and go through the pain of delivering with deep joy, expressing the beauty of maternal instinct in a woman created by God. How it is like to have my own home where I know no matter harsh the world is outside, there is always this sense of security that there is someone waiting for me at home which brings out even stronger of God being there for me in the face of my spouse. How I feel earning money to build my own family sharing love with my family through parting of my hard earned money, etc. These experiences are gifts from God. These are small miracles in life. Not everyone is blessed with such small miracles. I am not afraid of hardship. If I can survive till now, I don't see any storms which I can't get through. I always tell my teammates, 'God will never put us into situations which we can't handle. We just need to have faith.' I strongly believe in that.
See where God is leading me to. I do have the strong urge to go overseas to venture with the very little money with me. Hopefully, like what the speaker menitoned last night that after I had spent the one hour with Jesus on Holy Thursday being true to myself and lift up the very issues which cause a lot fo noise inside, my angel will appear. Actually, I have lifted up these issues to God and stop escaping. Now, I am waiting for this angel to appear in my life. Very excited now. I am planning my Hong Kong trip at the end of May with my friend in town tomorrow. I am dying for this break away.
With Love,
Elena
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