Don't know why. Suddenly, feel like writing on the topic of suicide. Perhaps, this topic has been in my mind for some time. I have a friend who died from suicide. I was badly affected though I was not close to him. The most ironic thing was it was announced to me during my friend's ROM many years ago. The other suicide I witnessed was my neighbour who had jumped down from my flat three years ago. I heard the commotion and shouting. The next thing was absolute silence. When I looked down from my flat, he was lying on the ground facing up. The blood was not washed off for a few days. The scene of his deadly face kept on playing in my mind for at least two weeks. Whenever I heard people shouting, I would be telling myself, 'Oh, no! Not again!' (Another person committing suicide?) I also have come across close friends who have been attempting suicide. All these suicidal matters just tear me inside. On one hand, I have a group of sickly people struggling to survive. On the other hand, I have healthy people trying to kill themselves. I would sometimes ask, 'Where is God?'
Somehow, the friend who had managed to die from suicide still affects me till now. Though we were not close, I feel that I had failed to 'save' him. Before his suicide, I remember vividly a group of us went to Malaysia for holiday. He told us he would want to join us for the fun again. Who knows he committed suicide shortly after that? I was very angry with him. I found him too self centered. Had he ever thought of his parents who had raised him up for so many years? Had he ever thought of all of us as his friends? Had he ever considered our feelings, especially his parents? Why didn't he come to us for help? Were we really so mean that he did not dare to come to us for help? Why did he break his agreement with us that he would join us to go to Malaysia for fun again? In the end, the answer is he was too trapped in his problems and issues that he just wanted to get 'out' of them by ending it all through suicide.
I have friends who are Christians. They love God and yet they have chosen to attempt suicide. I do not doubt their faith. When I talk to them, they are always trapped in some kind of troubles and they can't get out and the pain in them is snowballing so much that it is swallowing them. Talking to them about God and faith just doesn't make sense to them. During such times, all I can do is to be with them. If they need time alone, I let them be. But, I will always emphasize that I do care about them and they are part of me. If they die through suicide, it will be tearing part of me. I will always let them know that I will pray for them. Once in awhile, I will contact them to see how they are getting on.
Some people ever ask me how God will handle those people who have died from suicide. My answer is, 'I don't know.' I just trust that God will do what is appropriate with the Spirit of Love for He is Love. When one commits suicide, I can visualize God crying in the form of heavy rain from the dark and cloudy sky. I can imagine thunder and lightning striking across the sky, expressing His 'grief' out of Love. God has given each and everyone of us a life. We are alive out of His creation out of Love through His breath of Love. Without this breath of Love, we are just dust as symbolized by the marking on our foreheads with ashes on the Ash Wednesday more than 30 days ago. By committing suicide, I am throwing His gift away.
The implication of suicide is not just on the victims but also on the loved ones and friends. By dying through suicide, the victims have chosen to break and tear their relationships with the living ones prematurely. It is similar to a mother who suffers from miscarriage. The victims have deprived the others from being Christ to them. The living ones may live in guilt and blame themselves for not doing enough for the deceased. Whenever any of my friends attempt suicide, I just blame myself for not being a good friend. I have failed to share God's Love with them. I have failed as a person. I can't imagine how their parents feel upon receiving the news of their children who have committed suicide. It's like ripping a part of their flesh out of their own bodies since their children are their own flesh and blood.
I can never forget the scene when my neighbour's daugther cried near his father's bloody body right after his suicide. It was very traumatic to me, not to mention about his loved ones. Over the years of experiencing people committing or attempting suicide, I realize that they often do it without a sound mind. They are often not in the right state of mind, heart and soul. They have fallen sick. They often feel trapped and these traps, imaginary or not, are real to them and suffocate them to the point of death. It is just like being trapped in a dark room where they are blind and try to grope for that door to get out frantically. Often, before they could find the door to get out, they choose to die prematurely using suicide as the tragic door to get out of it all.
It is important for us to be with them from time to time. For a patient who suffers from cancer, lupus, etc., we will give them time alone to rest and visit them from time to time. For people who are suicidal, they are sick interiorly. If we care enough to slow down our pace and give them our attention and time from time to time, we may be the people who open the door from outside for them to get out slowly. Just like a person who gets out of a dark room after being trapped for a long time feeling uncomfortable looking at the light, a suicidal person may take time to come out to the light and adjust themselves to his new light and life. Sometimes, we may feel frustrated and impatience why they take such a long time to adjust or get out.
That is when we can turn to the crucifix. When Jesus was dying on the cross, he could have been impatient with us and changed his mind of dying for us since we could be so cruel to scourge him through our sins and keep on falling back into the darkness of sins. Through his blood and water from his umblemished body, he was trying to clear us from our darkness of sins. Through the opening of his side and limbs with the piercing and open wound of his body through scourging, these openings are the doors of Love in our lives for us to get out of our darkness into the light and the blood flowing out to give us new lives and the water flowing out as the river of gentle love to tenderize us and quench our dryness and thirst within. Then, we will have the compassion and love for these people who are struggling interiorly to find doors to get out of their entrapment.
In our fast paced world, try to slow down and see how we can be Christ to others with the Spirit of Love. We will never know if we are sent to be the people to open the doors from outside for some people to have new lives. Ultimately, it is not about how long we live, it is all about how we live.
With Love,
Elena
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