Passion of Love

It was a horrible week at work. I was caught by my boss and reporting officer for a review. Through this review, I could experience what it was like to be accused and misunderstood and pierced with nails of labels by an unreasonable boss. I was taken aback by her accusations and lost my cool. I rebuked as this was the second time that she was accusing me of the same things even after I had made changes. The worse matter was she claimed that I had unhealthy mindset which was why I lost my cool. But, I was wondering I may have my own faults in some ways. At least, I am still aware of my flaws and work on them. But, for her case, she is still blind to her own spots which cause a lot of stress on my team all the while. Besides, she has this mentality that as a leader, nobody should give her feedback on her attitude towards her team. Other people asked me how my team and I work under her. I guess she is really ‘popular’ among other departments. Nevertheless, my situation is much better than Jesus. I felt like every accusation that my boss made, it is one nail piercing through my body. I had a glimpse of how painful it was like to be nailed. At least, for my case, I rebuked. But, for Jesus, he obeyed without rebuking out of Love.


My boss is the first person who has accused me of things that no other bosses and colleagues have accused me of before. Through her, I keep on telling myself that if I ever become a leader, I must never end up like her. If not, I will be like Pontius Pilate who crucified Jesus, crucifying the people under me. Whenever we have our review on my work, she will always start with accusations before she even makes any attempts to find out what have been happening to me. Surprisingly, she is a staunch Christian. I wonder if she has even tried to reflect on how she can handle staff in Christ way. I think she has suffered from religious arrogance where she thinks she is so high up there that nobody could reach her. I really pity her as she will always be lonely up there. For the first review, I kept very quiet with her accusation and tried to improve on areas I thought I should improve on after reflection. For this second review on last Tuesday, I could not hold my temper anymore as she kept on imposing those negative traits of hers on me. I had worked so hard and did extra work for my team to the point of burning out and yet all I got was accusation that I was self centered and expected people to help me but left my team members to die. I refused to swallow this bitter pill and clarified what extra things that I had done to help my team members were and I am not a person who would announce to the whole world what I have done to help my team members. I even asked her if I should announce to the whole world how I have helped my team members. I have always believed that if I am sincere in helping people, I should not be showing off to others as if I help people just to get credits and glory to myself. I simply hate it whenever I have express to her what I have done to support my colleagues so that she would stop accusing me. I just don’t like to spell out the things I have done for them. But, I have no choice but to spell out since she is too blind to see. Once she has formed a perception, she sticks to it so much that no matter how others have changed or how others have tried to reach her, she is too blind to see and starts accusing and barking them again.

She has certain mentality that is not healthy which she is not aware of and she tries to impose it on me. Whenever I look at her, I am thinking at the rate I go, I may end up having such imbalanced life like her that I will throw my tantrums like a small kid like her on anyone if her weather is bad on that day. I think she is not even aware that she is putting the whole team through unnecessary pressure and she still thinks that she is right. We have a lot of tension whenever we need to go to her directly for certain tasks and approval. Some of my members have come to me and told me they do not feel any support from her and are left to struggle and die. I can’t believe it that she is very disturbed by me going home on time even after I have finished my work for the day. She was even so ridiculous that she deliberately went out to somewhere when it was time for us to knock off and came back to office at around 7pm even after we had smsed her we were waiting for her to sign an urgent document. When my colleague told her it was her birthday and her spouse was waiting for her for dinner, she then told my colleague if she had known it was her birthday, she could have come back earlier. I was very pissed off and thought it was perverse of her to purposely get out of the office just because she wanted her staff to stay late like her.

I get quite mad. I simply told her during my second review that life is more than work. It is not just about work. Though I am single, my family need me and I want to spend quality time with them. All of us know that her life is only work life. But, for most of us, we also have family life and friends, whether single or married. I believe in balance of life as years passing by. Over the years, I have met many single women in their mid life holding high positions and yet getting angry and throwing tantrums like spoilt kids and imposing unhealthy mentality towards life on their subordinates. They are never happy. The most pitiful issue about them is they think they are always right and nobody is qualified to give them feedback. Then, they continue to crucify the subordinates under them by imposing their will and unhealthy thoughts on them, throwing tantrums on them in front of everyone, shifting blame on them and leaving them to die if any projects or tasks fail, etc. The working partners and subordinates under them suffered injuries and ’scourging’ from these people again and again. It is no wonder that the business of counselling and psychological help is flourishing. Thank to these ‘Pontius Pilates’ who have been torturing the people around them repeatedly. As I really do not want to see myself to be another ‘Pontius Pilate’, I am trying to die to myself and change to be better gradually. If I love others and do not want to ‘scourge’ them through my hurtful words and actions, I have to make the decision to change for the better so that I will be less and less self centered to be more and more Christ centered.

For the Holy Week this year, I am spending time with Jesus outside church for a change. Of course, this is not a right way. I have my reasons for doing so. Even as I am trying to go through transformation, I need people to support and journey with me. I am thankful that my reporting officer is supportive and is concerned about my well being. She is always concerned about my health and whether I am coping life well as a person. When I broke down during my second review due to the accusations from my boss, she reminded me what I would always tell them whenever my team members got discouraged, ‘God will never put you into a situation which you cannot handle. So, must have faith.’ She encouraged me with these very words which I often told them. In fact, I am very thankful for a few helpful and understanding colleagues other than her. Though I am going very tough time under such a boss, I am not alone. I still have my team members and supportive reporting officer. For me, I will also need to see how I can also improve on my health as it has been a big cross I have been carrying throughout my life. Often, bosses and teachers keep on telling me I am smart and capable but my health is always my hindrance to go higher up the corporate ladder which causes me a lot of frustration and blow to my self esteem.

I have started the Holy Thursday meaningfully. The Catholic church has always been having this tradition of enacting the scene of washing of the feet where Jesus would be washing his disciples’ feet. Though a leader and a king, by washing his disciples’ feet, it shows his humility and love to come to the world to serve but not to be served. I started the day by accompanying my mother and my niece and nephew to the clinic for my niece’s injection. I was very tired and my leave yesterday was meant to catch up with my sleep as I was still exhausted by that lack of sleep for 36 hours last week. I decided to ‘wash my sister’s feet’ by helping her to bring her daughter to the clinic for injection and managing my nephew who tagged along despite my fatigue. Well, I enjoyed doing so as I was experiencing love by giving my love to them in this way, keeping in mind the washing of the feet by Jesus.

From afternoon onwards, I visited different groups of people, spending time to have meals with them. I meant to treat them for the meals. Instead, I felt Jesus washing my feet through their treats. The reason for their treats was due to the fact that I was present and spent time with them and we seldom meet one another. One of them even told me she appreciated that after I had left my previous workplace, I still took my time to travel from East to West to spend time with them and remembering them. Through them, I felt Jesus was thanking me to be with him through these people. I felt very welcome by them. Deep in my heart, I was very touched by all these friends. If not for their support and love, I would not have got my current job. I remember I was very nervous before my interview last year. This group of friends in my previous workplace cheered me up, encouraged me, advised me and treated me to a good meal just before my interview. As I brought my joyful mood into the interview, I was selected for the job. They are Christ to me. I know they were very busy yesterday. Once again, I am very touched that they made the effort to spend time with me and we enjoyed our time with one another.

In the evening, I had dinner with my friend. She has never failed to be generous. I intended to treat her but she paid for the dinner instead. It was my honour to hear her pour out her heart to me as I feel Jesus was pouring his heart out to me through her. I could feel Jesus pain even more through her. When we passed by a parish opposite Bugis Junction, I went in with her for three minutes as I had the urge to talk to him but did not spend more time with him since my friend is not a Catholic. Then, my friend asked me about the death and resurrection of Christ. I explained to her in details and helped her to see how it was related to our lives. I could see that she was thinking things through after I had explained to her. I hope that it would help her to see certain things from different angles even tough she has her own religion. I just want her to be happy in life.

Ok, the Good Friday has started. It’s time for abstinence and fasting. I may not be in church for the service but I will practise the fasting and abstinence. Good for detoxifying my body and let my body rest from food. (Just joking!!) The real intention is to have this communal suffering with the poor and the less fortunate people. These people may be poor at any levels; physiologically, emotionally, mentally or spiritually. By fasting, it reminds me of how self centered I can be that I may have neglected the people who need help or my attention. Normally, I have problems with fasting as my health can be very weak. But, of course, I will not let myself collapse. During this time, any food in sight is temptation to break the fast. By not breaking the fast and stay strong despite temptation, I will learn delayed gratification other than having the opportunity to understand the poor and the less fortunate better and be in it together with them through such fasting. I also need to stay close to God. Whenever I see food, I will pray to stay strong and keep in mind that I am in it with the poor and the less fortunate only for this day. This will help me to stay strong whenever I face temptation in life through such practice and discipline of fasting and abstinence. This is also my sacrifice to God, just as how Jesus had sacrificed for us. It is my response to his Love.

I also explained to my friend that Christian living is all about loving people and God in Christ way without possessing anyone for self. Sometimes, in this modern world, we have been brainwashed to get what we want. This also creeps into relationships where we want to possess someone just because we want instead of letting go if called forth. Then, we fight like how animals fight in the jungles to get what we want. Christian living is all about passion of Love. Because of Love, each day of our lives is a gift from God and we have each day as a chance to be better and better so that we can live and love others better and better. It is never too late for anything as long as we are willing to change and ask God for help. Only by staying close to Jesus, we will be guided how to live more and more like Christ. A bible is not everything about God. It teaches us to lead life to the fullest. It is God’s love letters and messages to us just like how a person would write a letter to his friend. If bible has to record everything, the pages will be never ending. Therefore, we need other avenues, especially prayers, for God to speak to us. And prayers are the most essential tools. Without prayers and staying close to God, anyone can distort the bible for his own benefits, especially if he is in the wrong spiritual or mental state.

My friend also asked me about Mary. I told her Mary was a virgin and yet she obeyed God by having Jesus in her womb despite the risk of scandals and humiliation in olden times. We do not worship her but honour her. For women, she is our perfect example for being a nurturing and gentle mother going through pain and struggles with Jesus who is Son of Man. Jesus’ death is God’s visible expression of Love for us. By only telling us that He loves us, we, human beings, can never grasp the intensity of such pure magnificent Love. So, by experiencing and seeing for ourselves God’s Love through His Son’s death, we will ‘know’ how deep God’s love is for us.

The Passion of Christ is about the passion to love. This love is out of the Love within us. When called forth, we have to empty ourselves and let go and let God. How can it be done? It can be done when we let go of unhealthy relationships which destroy or hurt others, we let go of our pride to forgive the others, we let go of control and accept others as who they are as each of us is unique masterpiece of God’s creation, we let go of our ego to admit our mistakes and learn from them so that we can be more Christ like to love others, etc. These are just some of the ways to empty ourselves so that Christ can occupy more space within us. It is all about Love without any hidden agendas or self centeredness. The Passion of Christ is the Passion of Love which conquers even death through the Resurrection of Christ on Easter Sunday when we resurrect with him to be new people with new lives through the renewal of our baptism vow on that day. As for me, I will be celebrating the Easter Day in Sentosa, soaking myself in the warmth and light of God’s love through the sun through the nature at the beach with my friend. The sun will always remind me of the hope and light that the Resurrection of Christ brings from the Passion of Christ which is to me the Passion of Love.

With Love,
Elena