Really hate it whenever there is haze in Singapore. Have to
take sick leave without MC today just to get proper sleep as I could not sleep
last night. The burning smell was very strong and I thought some electrical
appliances were burning in my house. But, there wasn’t. I think should be due
to the haze. It was so bad that I couldn't breathe properly and my heart problem
came back. Each breath became challenging. How to go for work today when I only
managed to sleep at 3plus in the morning? So, here I am at Starbucks trying to clear
some work and catch up with my studies though I am still not feeling quite
well. Haze, haze, go away. Please don’t come back.
Don’t know what has happening to my department. We take
turns to fall sick since the beginning of the year. My boss asked me why. I
explained to her most of us are down with bad cough. One of my colleagues is
diagnosed with suspected pneumonia this morning. I am quite scared as I have
been down with bad cough with fever on and off and my immune system tends to be
weak. I got my first bronchitis from the public. I am quite concerned about my
colleague as he has other health condition and I hope he will be fine. He is
damn cute. Both our health are the worst in the department. I am grateful that
he will keep on reminding me not to set my standard so high for my work that it
affects my health. I do appreciate such reminder as I tend to forget about my
heath when it comes to work. Some colleagues around us would laugh at us as he
would talk to me as f he were my grandfather. And, I will nag at him at times
when he keeps munching on unhealthy snacks or still want to go on business
trips when he is already unwell.
It’s quite nice to be in this department. My boss talks to
me like a mum at times. She will remind me not to waste money and saves up for
my US holidays at the end of the year. She will also remind me of certain
things in my personal life to keep myself open to relationships. It’s like she
can’t wait to marry me off. My Xiao Di (younger brother) is also quite cute.
When I get too busy, he will take over some of my tasks without telling me. I
really appreciate that. Sometimes, I wonder if I am the administrative support
or him. His rank is higher than mine. I tend to be very careless when it comes
to unimportant paperwork. He will remind me and even print my form for me and
place it right on my desk. We all laughed at him and wondered if he has become
my personal assistant when his rank is higher than mine. At work, I respect him
and take order from him. Outside work, I am his senior and advise him on
personal matters. My other manager is two years younger than me. We will share
things about recreation and travelling. She surely has a lot of lobang. There
is another Xiao Di. He tends to be quiet and disappear from his desk most of
the time but really nice to work with.
It is interesting to work in this team. All of us are very
different. It’s amazing that we come together just like a small family. All of
us are Christians. We do share about our personal lives outside office hours
and they are open about their brokenness at times. My boss is a very balanced
person. From her, I learn that a leader is very important. It determines the
dynamic of the group. I really admire her leadership. She is smart and fast and
yet sincere and humble. She is willing to apologize when necessary. There was
one occasion when I got bullied and she was not around. She apologized to me
for not being there to protect me. I was quite touched. She would also make the
efforts to have lunch with us monthly. If not, fortnightly. She would celebrate
our birthdays at her expense. I enjoy working with my team.
My contract is ending in end April. I am not sure if she
will renew my contract. I am also not sure if I should stay since I do not have
certain benefits and AWS and bonus. To be practical, most of us work for money.
Besides, I have hit the highest level in terms of administrative support No
more promotion for me. I am not sure what else I can look forward to I my
career. If I stay, the only thing is because I have a good team to work with
and I still have a lot to learn from them. I am not sure. If not, my plan will
be career training in US. Is it abit too early for that as I have not really
saved up enough money? I am not sure where I should go. I definitely know that
I am not a good follower and I have been trying to fit into that role for years.
Every person has been telling me I am not a follower. They see me as a business
person with my own business. But, what can I do with such low qualification
coming from a poor family without much support from home since young? For the
sake of money, I have to swallow it and fit into roles that I am not.
This period of time is tough for me. My health suffers.
Sometimes, I find my waking hours painful. I miss my friend who is fighting
against his illness. If you think he is my lover, he is not. It’s just that he
has held an important place in my heart. He refuses to see me. I have got no
ideas what he is thinking. Maybe, some of my friends are right. He has
forgotten me and just wants to move on without me. Those people around him are
enough to keep him going. I am not even in his list of things and people for
his time. But, I can’t help it that I miss him and keep wondering how he is
now. I also find it rather strange that why I am still so concerned even after
years of not contacting him. What does God want from me? Why do I have to know
his condition despite my attempts to keep myself out of his business as he was
doing very well overseas? What’s the point of me knowing as he has shut me out
of my life? Isn’t my life tough enough? Why add more misery? If the purpose is
to spend his remaining time with him, I am willing and glad to go through thick
and thin with him and I find it beautiful to do that. But, it is not, He has
shut his doors to me. Do you know the pain and suffering of seeing your loved
one sick and yet you are not even allowed to see him at all? Then, why let me
know?
Sometimes, I think God is fooling me. When ‘mummy’ was
dying, all her students and teachers who were not close to her got to see her
for the last time before she died. It’s rather an irony that being the closest
to her among all the students and teachers, I did not see her at all. In fact,
her spouse kept it away from me to protect me from getting too sad. Such good
intention backfired for me and I became very remorseful and I suffered from
complicated grief which wasted my eight years away. Now, the same thing
happens.
I rather go through the pain and suffering with him than
being kept away. Do you know how painful and torturing it is within me? Other
people can care for him openly, be it sincerely or not. For me, I have to bottle
it all up. I am feeling the pressure of time pressing me harder as each day
passes by. It’s not that I have not tried very hard to break away from him for
years. I tried. I can’t means I can’t. n the end, news of him still comes to
me. I care means I care. I care as a friend. I find myself cheap that he doesn’t
even care a damn thing about me and find my care redundant and I still care so
much. I hate myself for turning pale upon receiving the news of his illness. My
friend was worried seeing my pale face. Cheap, right?
I am a downright romantic at heart. I know I am very
sensitive and I don’t enjoy it. Some people who are not sensitive do not feel
as deep about the same issue as sensitive people. It hurt me right within and I
don’t know how to voice out. I just keep on bottling. If not, this blog is the
only place where I can let things out. His other friends and supporters can at
least come together and go through it with him together. They can support one
another. I am all alone, continuing to be misunderstood by them and go through
it all alone as if I am a leper. It is holy and out of love for them to care
for him but it seems like it is sinful for me to care. What they do for him is
out of love but what I do becomes a sin with hidden agenda. Am I really so bad? Then, why does God allow me to exist in this beautiful world? I don't like to be protected away from such thing. I rather go through it all with that person. You may think that you are protecting me from harm or getting hurt. But, I am more hurt and damaged by being kept away. I think it is very beautiful and rich to go through thick and thin with a person. and the pain it entails is no longer pain but part of love. Love hurts. But, how is a person human without love? At least, I won't live in regrets by going through it all with my loved one. Leaving me out only causes me to plunge into depression fast. I don't feel protected. I feel tortured instead. I am worried sick and I am literally sick.
Can we ever sit down and talk to each other over a nice
meal? He will definitely tell me, “Dream on! I don’t waste my time on it. I
have much more important things than that and I have many friends and loved
ones to spend my time with me. Who are you?” Actually, I do not forgive myself
for causing such regrets for the second time. The first one was towards ‘mummy’
where I cut myself off mercilessly from her and could not make it to apologize
to her before she died. Now, it’s him. I cut off from him thinking that such a
fit person would never fall sick and he was doing well overseas. He has many
people flocking to him to support and love him. My care and presence would only
disturb him and hinder him from living life to the fullest. I cut him off even
though it was torturing me for the past few years as I still care as a friend. He
did want to talk to me and give me an answer that he did not want me to forget
him when he appeared at the place where we used to jog. I ignored him and he
was very upset. I really regret for not spending some time with him as a friend
when I could. I thought his life without me would be much better and he would be happy serving with his loved ones and friends around him. Never have I expected him to get such illness. Now, I can’t even see him. I really cannot forgive myself for
creating such mess and hurt towards him. He is my victim. What wrong has he
done to meet the screwed up me to screw his life up? He will never want to see
me. I can only lick my wound till I die. I am trying very hard to live my life
as per normal but I can’t. It’s very
painful and lonely inside. I can’t focus. I don’t know how long I can go on
like that I am feeling that remorse again. Yes, I created it and I am punished
for that. I deserve it. There is no turning back.
With misery,
Elena
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