Endless Wait

Just cleared some work. Now, waiting for approval. It's a great day today. What did I get the first thing in the morning? I got a kiss from my godson as he seldom requested to kiss me. It was really sweet of him. As there is no gahmen (boss not around), my colleagues and I went to Casallena Tapas Bistro at Turf City for a sumptuous lunch. It was really a paradise on earth as we were laughing at the jokes we cracked.  The food was delectable and I could imagine the atmosphere to be romantic at night. The service crews were hospitable. One of them even sent us all the way to the door and opened the door for us. It is definitely a good place for dates, man. I told my colleagues I should have taken half day leave to shake legs there for the rest of my day. My naughty colleague asked me to apply for Corporate Social Responsibility (CSR) leave for my YOLO. What is YOLO? It is You Only Live Once. Just do as you like it. They asked me to modify YOLO to become Youth of Leukemia and Osteoporosis and I was having a committee meeting there to justify my CSR leave. Stupid, right? Ok lah. I crap alot in my team. Something serious turns out to be a joke in the end. There was one occasion I was talking about our boss. My colleague heard wrongly and it became 'Our balls' and they started cracking some dirty jokes. We just had our General Assembly on last Friday. I was too bored when the big boss was harping on 'Selling Through' and I blurted out I only knew 'Driving Through' as my colleague was driving through to get MacDonald meals just before the event. She laughed and shared it with my boss during the meeting when I was on MC on last Tuesday. She told me my boss was laughing quite loudly at the joke. Ok, lah. When I get too bored, I am full of crap. When I get too serious and look very stressed out with tight deadlines, my colleagues would laugh. It's ma chiam like I am a joker in the department. Sigh! At least, they enjoyed the jokes lah.

I am still very unhappy inside though I am trying very hard to keep my mood up since I have been falling very sick. For this whole week, I am down with asthma and fever. Very challenging to travel to work as I have to stand for at least half an hour in the train. I have at least 5 to 6 medicine which would cause drowsiness and heart palpitation and tremor. Sometimes, my vision is blur in the morning. Life still goes on. In Singapore, I have the time to die but no time to fall sick. I still have to earn a living no matter how sick I am. My colleagues and boss often have to nag at me to go home especially during this week as they know I am suffering from the side effects. But, if I don't clear my work, there is no one to cover my duties. Besides, I am a perfectionist. I expect my work to be of certain standard. Once again, my boss reminded me to let go of certain imperfection before she went off for New York for her meeting. The antibiotics really hit me hard as they are supposed to be for my asthma. My colleagues warned me not to take too much of the antibiotics and they kill both good and bad bacteria. I also know. I have got no choice as my cough has been for weeks with fever on and off and now, even with asthma. Still have to struggle to work. Have to depend on caffeine to keep me working hard. I know I am spoiling my health by driving myself too hard. But, I have no choice. I still have to earn my income. I do not have the luxury to rest as much as I need. I am still feeling like I am falling apart. However, at least, I am still healthy enough to move around and have a job. I am thankful to my colleagues and boss who would advise me and bring me around for good times together. I really appreciate them for their kindness and company during this tough time.

I thank God for trusting me though I was very disappointed and sad that some people from church twisted their words and hurt me. I am not angry with them. It's alright that they did that to me. I am comforted by God that my colleagues and boss trust me. In fact, most bosses and colleagues trust me for many years no matter where I work. My boss even asks me to claim her money for her which could be hundreds of dollars. Some bosses would ask me for advice at times. I was very touched when my current boss told me she hired me because she felt that I was reliable and true in my interview. I think God is telling me that He trusts me no matter how I have been accused by some church people. I am not angry with these people. I am just disappointed as some of them are my friends. In order to please the leader, they chose to betray me and even stop me from reconciling with him to gain his favour. I do not doubt they will be doing the same thing to hurt others. Fr James was right that life is already a struggle. Why makes things difficult for each other? Actually, I also do not understand why they want to cause divisions. It is not like by forming elitist group, you don't have to fall sick and die. Everyone still goes through the process of growth, challenges, sickness and ultimately, death. Why can't they see it?

I am still feeling sad and isolation from my loved one. It's as if I haven't struggled enough for my life with my poor health. I have already had my own share of struggle and yet he is still doing that to me. He thinks that I am a robot. It's like by not seeing me, I will stop worrying and not care. I do not know when he will wake up. All I am doing now is to keep everything bottle up inside. I do not know how much I can hold it. I hope that he won't do what 'mummy' had done to me by keeping me away from them thinking that it would hurt me less. No, it does not happen that way. The truth will come out one day and it will hurt me even more. It complicates my grief. I really hope that when I manage to see him, it won't be in the casket. It's too drastic for me. I just hope to care for him while I can. I really hope that he will leave me nice memory with us reconciling and chatting over a nice meal. Running away does not help me. It just leaves me with a deep sense of isolation and remorse. I pray that God will open him up and we will reconcile. Like what Fr James has said, after asking for forgiveness from the person, the person has to forgive. He has yet to respond. It tortures me. It's like I have committed a mortal sin and have to be condemned to hell. It's really hell on earth. Is it the legacy he is going to leave for me?

I really miss him alot as my friend. I keep thinking how he is feeling now. Is he ok? Is he still puking? Will he catch virus from the hospital? Is he feeling cold? Is he trying to put a strong front for his parents, friends and supporters and yet crying alone at night? A lot of things go through my mind. I really do not know what will happen next. I really hope he will stop hiding and reconcile with me. I do not care how much he had hurt me in the past. I just want to walk his remaining days, months or years with him as a friend.

Endless wait,
Elena