Just came back from my outing with my friend. Didn't enjoy myself as I was down with fever and sinus. Kept on sneezing non stop for the whole day and I do not have medicine for my allergy. So, still down with fever and sinus. I think it should be alright after my sleep. I was hit by the dust from my parish as the main church is under renovation and we had to go for the mass at the parish hall. When I stepped into the parish hall, my nose and lungs were hit immediately. Very challenging mass for me as I had to stand for one hour. Standing for too long has always been challenge to me as my blood pressure is low and my blood sugar will suddenly go down, causing dizziness and difficulty in breathing at times. As for the mass this morning, it was more challenging with my lungs and nose hit by the dust. I was thinking of leaving the parish hall before the mass started. But, since I was there, I might as well take it as a form of sacrifice for my sickly friend and people who are suffering from cancer. By the time the mass ended, I was down with fever and sinus. Does allergy to dust really cause fever? I am not sure.
What is comforting was that Fr James came to give an interesting homily on the Sacrament of Reconciliation since yesterday marked the Divine Mercy. I have been hearing great things about his homily but had never had a chance to listen to him. It was a blessing to be able to receive his homily. His homily was very practical, simple and yet the humor within captures our attention. I should say he lives up to his name for effective delivery of homilies or speeches. He touched about 3 steps towards Sacrament of Reconciliation. The first step is about sorrow and repentance towards one's sins. It must be sincere. No point going to a priest to rattle negative things without truly repentant and sorrowful for one's sins and make the priest get migraine for repeating the sins and keep rattling the sins to the priest. The second step is the confession itself. There is no need to confess to a priest daily about scrupulous sin such as eating ice cream on a Friday which should be a day of abstinence. Eating an ice cream is not a sin but not keeping to the abstinence is and yet the person does not have to go to the priest daily for such small sin. The third step is about penance. The penance is meant to correct what the person has done wrong. If, after saying one 'Our Father' and the person still does not talk to his friend for another ten years, there is no point in confessing the sin at all since the person does not correct himself and has not forgiven the person. Fr James also warned us to be careful of hearing the penance. There was one parishioner said one hour of 'our father, our father, our father...' when that priest was asking him to say one 'Our Father'. We all laughed when Fr James joked about it. His homily made my standing more bearable with his joke. If not, I was feeling really sick as my blood sugar was dropping with my sinus.
One thing hit me about his homily. At the back of my mind, I was thinking of my sickly friend. I apologized to him for the wrong that i had done him but he refused to reply. He is still in silence. Is it because he does not want to forgive me? Is he going to ignore me till he is gone? Or am I just not important enough or unworthy for just that one sentence of 'I have forgiven you.' from him? From his blog, I gather that he has been reading my email. But, why is he not relying my email? Am I still a bad woman to him? He knows I am suffering alot. Is he really so cruel to see me continue this way? Yes, I can always ignore if he forgives me or not and continue with my life as if nothing happens. But, is that true reconciliation? Then, we will never coexist in heaven as there is no reconciliation and one of us will have to go to hell so as not to see each other in heaven. I feel very bad for not getting any forgiveness from him. Are our hearts really so small that we can't forgive? Or is forgiveness only meant for a few precious loved ones and friends and can never be extended to others? Due to his illness, he is in isolation to fight against cancer. Doesn't he understand how miserable it is to be divided from the community? Why is he still doing that to me? Have I not been punished enough for my sins? His pets were quite mean. One of them used to be my friend. When she saw me, she ignored me because of him. Why do things have to come to this state?
God did comfort me this morning despite such treatment from my so called friend. Justina came and hugged me suddenly when I was playing Candy Crush. I needed that hug and it came at the right time though I was quite shocked. I was quite touched by her hug. Fr JJ came to me and told me it was nice to see me and he was happy to see me. Though simple words and act from both Justina and Fr JJ, I was comforted. Anyway, that friend did try to stop me from reconciling with my sickly friend and his pets a few years ago. I do not know what her intention was. Losing favour from him? I am not sure. I am very disappointed in her.
I am very upset over why my sickly friend still treats me this way. Why is he still running away? It will be devastating to me to see him in the casket the next time I see him without reconciling with him at all. It will be too drastic to me. How long is he running away? How long does he want to torture me with such silence? I am asking for forgiveness and not for him to accept me as a lover. Is it really so difficult? Or does he still divide people into worthy or unworthy of his time? He knows that I care. Why can't he reply me directly? Why through his blog again? How much time do we have to run away from each other? This is the second time I have ignored someone and found that the person is down with terminal disease and may leave me in months' or years' time. I am not sure. I really have a hard time forgiving myself. With him treating me with silence, I find it even harder forgiving myself and I do not think I deserve to live. I am feeling really down. I know it is silly. I also wonder why God sends him to me to screw my life up. The worst thing is I have spiritual bond with him which I simply can't break. Now, I accept that I can't break it but what can I do with him closing his doors to me?
Why can't he be generous to accept that we have spiritual bond and just walk with each other as friends for his remaining months or years? Why is he so scared? It's not as if I want him to be my lover. Things can be as simple as we are just spiritual friends who can connect and help each other to grow. When is he going to be a real man and stop running away? So what if he is sick? He is still a beautiful child of God no matter how much he has changed. I have never cared about his look or build. I have seen the monstrous side of him. So what is his sickly look to me? Please stop hiding. It is not doing me any good. It makes my every waking hour painful and anxious. I do not know how long I can hold on. I am still going downhill. I have backed out of my online courses. Do I have to back out of my job as well? Just let me go through it all with you. Don't deprive me of a chance to walk with you. There must be a purpose why God still wants me to know about your condition even after I have taken the pain of avoiding you for years. I have accepted the fact that I can't run away. Why can't you let me help you? Is it because of your ego? Or you are unworthy? Heck with that lah. Just let me walk with you. I believe God will strengthen me to do that, By keep me away, you are isolating me as usual and cut me deeper. If you read this blog entry, please wake up. Stop torturing each other. Let's just walk together with the guidance of God. I really hope God leads you to read this blog entry and wake you up before it is too late. I am worried sick without seeing you. I have been falling sick. How much more medicine do you want me to feed my body with? Are you really so cruel? I hope we will really chat with each other over a nice meal.
Time for me to sleep as I am down with fever once again and sinus. I can't seem to recover from flu, cough and fever. What the hell! My work is so hectic. Every morning is a rush and I never have had any time to have breakfast peacefully. It's always breakfast while rushing through news monitoring. At first, colleagues thought that I was exaggerating. Then, they realize that I am not kidding. My boss is kind. She is trying to reduce my workload. It's worse today with many releases to be uploaded on Internet which requires writing HTML which I have got no knowledge. Forsee OT again. It's going to be a Monday black. My last Thursday and Friday were really bad. I felt like camping there on last Thursday. I could not even have proper lunch on Friday. Both my Xiao Di and I got very stressed out. My manager even laughed at me as I looked really stressed out on last Friday. Imagine you have to squeeze a day's work into half day. I have to double my speed, depending on caffeine to speed up my work. I did not even have time to get medicine for my lungs as I was down with fever and bad cough on Thursday after work. I only have time to die but no time to get sick. I am very tired on top of the misery I have inside. God, please help me! Where are you?
With fatigue,
Elena
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