This week is a Holy Week. What am I going to do for the Holy Week this year? I would like to take this challenge of fasting for three days. The fasting is mainly a sacrifice and an offering for a friend who is going through chemotherapy and for the purification of myself. I am toying with the idea of 3 days of full fast. I am not sure how as my health is not in tip top condition with fever on and off and bad cough. Obviously, the haze is hitting me again. Somehow, deep within me, I have this strong desire to take on this challenge. I don't know how with the demands from my online courses, hectic work and lessons I have signed up for during the weekend. Without food at all, I am not sure how I should go about fulfilling those daily demands. I guess that is when faith must be stretched for me to have such breakthrough. It seems to be a 3 day fasting marathon to me. If I can get through it, my faith will be much stronger. I hope that my fasting will support and help a friend spiritually in overcoming his illness and bring him renewed hope. This fasting to me is not a chore but one with love. It's like going through suffering and pain with my sickly friend through his illness. In a deeper sense, it is going through the pain and suffering with Jesus. Jesus is in everyone. Each time we go through thick and thin with anyone, we are going through it all with Christ. That, itself, is a process of purification of love towards others and God because true sacrifice goes beyond self and the love goes out to the people we care and our Heavenly Father. There is no room for self centeredness.
It is Maundy Thursday. Tradition has it that there will be washing of the feet to reenact how Jesus had washed the feet of his disciples. It is a good chance for me to reflect whose feet I am not willing to wash and those are the very people I should forgive and reconcile with. Life is too short for petty matters and running away. That is why I will never understand why people want to fight against one another to gain favour, higher positions, wealth, status, popularity etc. which never last and cause disharmony and hurt instead. All these things will be gone upon our death. Why make life so miserable as if life is not tough enough? If you ask me honestly, are there any feet which I would not kneel down and wash? The answer is no. I do not hate anyone so much that I can't forgive.
Recently, I have done reflection on this meditation on washing of the feet from one of the Lent apps. There are basically three parts in a man's body. The highest point is head which governs our high reason where the soul clings to God, the middle part being hands as the lower reason for the soul to operate in good works and the lowest point which is the feet where there are senses and the feelings and the desires arising from them. It is interesting to note that the Lords knew his disciples' heads were joined to God by faith and charity and their hands were clean for He knew their good works but not their feet where there were inclinations to earthly things that derive out of life of the senses. That was where the washing was needed to cleanse them completely.
The feet are always on the ground which cause our feet to be constantly dirty. We need to wash them from time to time to keep them clean. Before we go to bed, we will make sure our feet be kept clean so that we could rest comfortably. This brings me to the idea that when we are about to meet the Lord, we definitely have to keep our feet clean so that we will be pure enough to meet the Lord and rest in peace. It's akin to washing our feet clean before we rest for the night. Notice that our sins always involve our feet. When we sin, we need to go to those places or people where our desires and feelings bring us to. What carry us there are our feet. That is why Jesus did mention about shaking off the dust if the disciples left the houses where they were no welcome. For us, we need to wash our feet from time to time. Sometimes, we need to wash one another's feet. No man is an island. Sometimes, we may not even notice that our feet are dirty and we need reminders from the others about it. If not, we show our love for one another by washing each other's feet. I love this act as it is a simple and yet humble act on the part of the person washing the feet while the recipient receiving such love with gratitude. There is this sharing of Love without any pomp or self centeredness. When a person washes the feet, he has to kneel or squat down to be of lower posture than the recipient. This posture, itself, is a powerful gesture to show one's sincerity and humility to serve with true love. I really kowtow to Jesus who did it to his disciples. He was indeed a serving leader.
I am watching a show about family love. It is a Cantonese TVB drama series, titled 'Reality Check. GPS'. I like the theme song. It is simple and yet full of warmth and meaning. It reminds me of 'mummy'. Through that song, I realize how tough it was for her to love the young rebellious me more than a decade ago. I really miss her. I miss her scolding. She is the only person so far who would forgive me again and again even after I had caused her blood pressure to rise a few times. She refused to give me up and walked with me silently till she died with love. She bothered to correct me when I was wrong. She bothered to look at me when I was sick. She bothered to ask me why I was sad, angry even when she was very sick. She ever mentioned to someone who later conveyed the message to me, 'I want to make her happy but I don't know how to.' And, she did try her best to make me happy, plan things out for me to continue with my life after her death. The theme song reminds me of her because there is one part of the foster mother scolding the child and being misunderstood but all she got from the foster on is her hair turning white and smiling as she sees him going the right way and growing up healthily. Even when he falls again and again, she will always hug him. Whenever I hear this part of the song, I am always touched and think of how 'mummy' had done that to me. We have never hugged but I knew whenever I got into any trouble, she would always be there for me. Her presence had helped me to brave through many storms at that time. She was my silent walker.
This song also reminds me of my sickly friend. I should say our relationship has never been smooth. My communication and social skills are not good. When he was in the wrong, I tried to tell him in private. Towards him, I have tried all ways to protect him. It might hurt him in the process. But, it was all worthwhile when I saw him growing to be better and better. When I saw that he was doing well, I let go of him to grow with the others. Letting go is hard as I have this bond with this person. I was happy to grow with him during those years, I thought that after his higher education, he would be better equipped to serve others and grow to be more mature and happy. I miss him alot as my friend for the past few years thinking of how he had been getting on. Missing someone while refraining from contacting him can be miserable. I keep it to myself most of the time. I refused to contact him thinking that he would be much better without me in his life and that I would not want to disrupt his life as he was enjoying his new life with his many friends and loved ones. I chose to be an invisible air which kept him in my prayers. As long as he is happy, I am happy. Never had I expect him to be down with such serious sickness. When my friend broke the news to me, my face turned pale. My friend was afraid of me fainting as my face turned pale suddenly. I just told her I was fine. But, deep inside, I am seriously broken. I literally felt my heart drop.
I am badly affected. No matter how strong my faith is, I am still a human with feelings and blood. All I want is to see him getting healed. If it is God's will for him to go, I really hope to walk his remaining days with him. Keeping me away does not help me but worsen my situation. He does not need o be my lover for me to walk with him. I just want to be a friend to be there for him. It is rather strange that people always think that you must be lovers to make sacrifices for the other. For me, it is not true. We don't need to be lovers for me to go through thick and thin with you. I have not seen him for years. I really hope to see him before he is gone. I feel the pressure of time and yet I do not want to impose on him. There is a lot of tension in me that there is not enough time and yet I want to respect his privacy. We have never reconciled. His silence is telling me he has not forgiven me. If not, he could have responded with at least a 'thank you for your prayers' or he is no longer angry. His refusal to communicate only adds on to my guilt and pressure. I know it is stupid that he can't be bothered with my feelings and situation and yet I am still there for him and even fast for him. Love does not calculate. I just want his remaining days, months or even years here to be as happy as possible. Yes, I am stupid to care for someone who does not care. The fact is that my heart cares about him. While he is around, I will do what I can to care for him.
I am thinking of multiple church visits tonight as I have never done it before. For a change, I will do it as a form of pilgrimage for my faith and for my sickly friend. Hope all of you will enjoy to grow with the Lord during this Holy Week before we rejoice with him through his Resurrection.
With heaviness,
Elena
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