Attempting a full fast today. Have started fasting since 12 midnight. Intend to fast till midnight tonight. Very challenging as I need to work today and every Friday is the busiest day at workplace weekly. Obviously, my body system is abit down as I am feeling unusually cold and blood sugar level seems to be going down with giddiness. Well, it does not matter. I will break fast if I think the fast is causing harm to my body. I believe the purpose of fasting is not to do it to the point of causing damage to my body. Now, I totally depend on faith for my fast at workplace today.
3 main reasons for my fast:
1) Fast for a friend who is going through a major procedure. Hope that he will have a successful transplant and be transformed within. Pray that he will be healed inside out while receiving this gift of love to continue to live with gratitude and continue to extend this love to ALL others. Pray that he will serve All with sincere heart and learn to love others, himself and God in Christ way. Hope that he will be more Christ centered and come to realization about certain things.
Towards him, as mentioned in my earlier posts, I have done my best. He cannot get it means he cannot get it. If he is only at a certain level, I cannot force him to go up higher overnight. I think he needs more time for certain realization. Hopefully, I hope that he will wake up before it is too late as he looks back and regrets what he has done and what he has stubbornly not done. Dying in peace is not just about going home to the Lord and seemingly obeying God and gaining recognition from many people. Whether one passes through the narrow gate to heaven depends on the spiritual state of the soul upon death which stems from his daily living with the others. I think he has failed to see why I keep asking him for reconciliation with him. If he thinks I am there to gain his liking, his favour or even attention, he has completely misses the point and totally can't get it at all. It is not just for myself but also for him. Obviously, based on his behaviour and treatment towards me, he catches no ball. I really hope that he will wake up and realize that fame and attention from all around the world is going to drift him away from God as the attention is totally on self. As the public self and true self (as created by God in the process of becoming that unique being throughout his life according to God's will) drifts further and further away from each other with the gap getting bigger, the person will feel more disintegrated and ever more confused and miserable. People can no longer communicate with his true self but only to the public false self, leaving the true self dying inside. How can God fill the person within if the people around him keep spoiling him with what he wants, the attention he wants to encourage the narcissism and inflated ego in him, driving him to be ever more self centered? Is there any more space for God?
If you think he is my boyfriend, he is not. I am a realist. I know very clearly he does not even care a damn thing about me. If I were to be the one with cancer, he does not even visit me or care at all. This is a fact. He has never ever considered my feelings and situation. All he cares is about his own suffering, fame, feelings and popularity with many people. I know I am foolish. But, if I pray for him only when he treats me well, that is a transaction but not love. All along, whenever I write something to him, he will reply in some ways telling me he has more expertise in those areas. It is all about impressing others and competing with me who is better in those areas. I think he has never understood what love is. It will be disastrous if I were to marry him. Most probably, if I fall very sick or when people gossip about me or we have some disagreement, he will be the first person to leave me. Actually, I don't have to worry that he will die or kill himself. He is a self centered person and will never allow bad things to happen to him. Even if bad things happen to him beyond his control, he will make use of them to bring attention to himself. Basically, his whole life is about self most of the time though I also have to give him the credits that he does care for certain groups of people but not all. I wonder if he will ever wake up and start realizing that. His behaviour, words and mannerism have been consistent to show that. I hope he will stop seeing that people are trying to put him down or attacking him. Sometimes, when people bother to tell you your areas of improvement, it shows that people bother, people care, people want to see you improve and lead a more fulfilling life. In our case, it's not like he is going to marry me if he is transformed. I don't gain anything out of it at all. In fact, I get scolding, shouted at, and receive nasty treatment from him most of the time. I can answer to God I have loved him as much as I can. Now, the rest is up to him to come to realization and transformation.
As for me, if he still wants me as a friend, he can always look for me and reconcile with me. If not, I will just take it as he has never waken up and still full of pride. If there is strong pride, there is no room for love. I guess now, it is all up to him. No matter what, I hope he will be healthy in body, mind, spirit and soul after he is out of his procedure. Hope that he will learn to love himself, others and God sincerely. Sincerity is what I hope to see from him. I believe he will not die and have many years to live ahead. It is best that he stays away from those people who keep spoiling him which he still fails to see now. If not, he will never learn what true humility and sincerity is. Therefore, he can never live in truth but with his public false self to continue inflating his ego and promote narcissism while feeling ever emptier and emptier, more and more miserable within.
2) My other reason for fasting is for my godson. It is a heart pain to receive the news recently that his eyes are not developed properly and are lazy eyes. He may go blind if his eye sight deteriorates. He is only 4 years old. His sister has gone for a kidney removal last year. Now, it is his turn to experience poor health at such tender age. He is very cute and has a very nice smile. He likes angry birds and somehow, he does look like the red angry bird. I wonder why he has to suffer poor health. I hope to see miracle that his eyes will be healed. Even if they are not healed, he will continue to grow to be confident, wise and positive person who seek to serve. Nowadays, whenever I reach home, I will make an effort to carry and kiss them, showering my love for them though I may be strict with them. I will never know what will happen next. As much as I can, as long as they are under our care, I will show them my love. It is really therapeutic to carry them to remind me that I am also a human who need hugs. It heals me in the process.
3) My last reason for fasting is for my own purification. It is time to detoxify my body and soul. I may be out of church. But, I have not abandoned God. I know I am very flawed hruting people along the way and am learning to love more and more in Christ way. My Catholic colleague was teasing me I was holy to go fasting. I relied it is precisely I am not holy that I need o fast. If I am holy, why even a need to fast at all? People like me should all the more fast. Fasting is a form of discipline and I know I am lack of that most of the time. Some people even commented I seem carefree. So, I will fast to develop that part of me which lacks discipline, to also help me to get deeper into not having things in my ways. It is also about emptying myself for God to fill this emptiness with love. It is more difficult to keep close to God nowadays with the emphasis on individuality and instant gratification in the world. I know I can be quite spoilt in some ways. Therefore, I need such fasting reminding me that I cannot always get what I want and the fasting is for me to delay gratification so that I will appreciate things and people around me at a deeper level. Besides, fasting is my form of sacrifice for God to heal me deep within. By emptying myself, I am also reminding myself I am mere dust without the breath of Love from him. Fasting also allows me to be one with God as there is nothing in me without any food. I only go on water for the water to purify me within and visualize the water to wash away my sins for Jesus fill me Or rather, to experience myself as part of God. When the fasting gets tough while carrying on with my hectic work, my focus turns to God to sustain me. My mind is on God. This is how I am one with God during such emptying of self. to experience the glimmer of what it means to be poor in spirit for God to fill me with richness, embracing the beatitude at a deeper level. It is also a means for me to be connected with the people deprived of food due to various reasons such as sickness, going through treatment, poverty, abuse, etc. It allows me to be one with the world. It allows this connectedness with the others for me to practise humility.
Ok, have to go back to my work now. Challenging fast while working but worthwhile. God is Love.
With Love,
Elena
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