Have just done my reflection on Fr Rolheiser's blog entry, 'Our Fundamental Option' after a hectic and frustrating day at work (Worse with insomnia last night). I am still in the office writing my reflection and rumination with the peace and quietness in the office. Great time for quiet time with God and get in touch deeply with my spiritual self in silence though with music in the background to keep me focused. Something just prompted me to go to Fr Rolheiser's blog for guidance and reflection. So, I be a good girl and listened to God's call. As usual, Fr Rolheiser has never failed to assure me that I am still on the right track on my spiritual path. I also turn to my colleague (who is six years younger than me) and boss for advice regarding certain issues in my life. I know only humility will open up door for God to work wonder within me. Even when my colleague is much younger than me, I seek his advice as I believe in striking a balance in getting advice between people older and younger than me. It gives me different perspective and widen my horizon. I do not believe that people younger than me are not capable of advising me. So far, they do give me fresh perspective and new ways of looking at things though they may not have suffered much in the world.
Fr Rolheiser's blog entry on 'Our Fundamental Option' reminds me of my last email to my loved one. When I mention loved one, I do not mean lover. He is just one of the people I really care and love. That email might be harsh on him. I guess I have felt too much pain for him on the way he has treated himself. That 'anger' in my email comes from my pain in seeing him leading life in that way and I know he will live in misery in the end as I had seen him leading that kind of life when I journeyed with him years ago. He is repeating that vicious cycle. I am afraid it may be too late for him to do anything if he regrets in the end. All of us have to die one day. There is no way to avoid death. But, I do agree totally with Fr Rolheiser that 'In the face of our earthly diminishment and death will we choose to let go and die with a cold heart or a warm soul?' It determines my state of soul upon death. That in turn determines if we head to heaven or hell, if I see the narrow gate to heaven or miss it even if it is right in front of me. We still have a choice on how we want to live our remaining days. I am not sure how long my loved one is going to live. I know he will be mad at me for that last email and may never want to see me again. What is more important to me is his spiritual state, whether he is living life with soft soul or hardened heart. When you truly love a person, you really want him to live life to the fullest with soft warm soul and ultimately peaceful death.
When my loved one scolded me during my hospital visit, I had a mixture of happiness and sadness. No anger at all. Why happiness? Mad, right? I was happy because I thank God he is still alive and has the energy to scold me. I know that he will live. I am happy to see his presence as a present from God. I am sad because his expression was full of anger and hurt. I felt the anger and hurt deep within him. It hurt me to feel what was within him and no words could express my sadness. That prompted me to write the last email to him after much prayer and at peace on my part. I leave it to God to open him up to interpret and receive God's love through that seemingly harsh email. That email is what I term as A Tough Love Letter. If he thinks that I am all out to hurt and humiliate him, I have got nothing to say. No one with a sound mind will put his loved one down and deliberately hurt him after many years of encouraging and journeying with him. I have been very honest in my email. I wonder if he has ever wondered why I still stay by his side encouraging and caring for him despite his nasty attitude and words. Nobody, including me, enjoys being scolded, humiliated or any nasty attitude, especially from our loved ones. It hurts deep and it cuts deep. It's not that I want to show others I am Christlike. In fact, Christlike can never be used on me. I have a lot of flaws which I am aware of and still in the midst of improving. All of us want to be praised, loved, cared, by our loved ones. Seriously speaking, I gain nothing out of loving him. In fact, all I get is scolding.
The reason is I see beyond his surface. I know he has kind sensitive by nature, capable of love. My last email was to be utterly honest with him and creating awareness of certain issues before it is too late for him. I took a high risk. It's either he hates me forever (it is very miserable to be hated by a loved one) or he wakes up and lives life to the fullest with joy deep within. If you ask me whether I have regretted writing that email, I have never and I will still make the choice of sending it to him. It is my duty as a friend to tell him those matters out of Love. If not, I am very sure I will commit the sin of omission. In fact, it is easier to pretend that nothing happens and moves on. But, I know that I can't. I have given him the choice how he wants to live. I do not intend to impose my will on him. I keep my door open to him if he changes his mind down the road. My point has never been whether he likes me or not, whether he sees me as a lover or not. If those were my points, I could have kept on doing or saying things to please him. He will definitely like me. But, I believe that will only hinder his growth, lower his quality of life and destroy his life in the end. Many people have misunderstood me. So, it does not kill me with him added on to the list (though I do feel hurt). But, this hurt is necessary if he grows and live life to the fullest.
I guess for me, I can tell myself logically that I have done my best for him to the point of hurting myself and have moved on. I have stopped reading his blog after my last email and I have never tried to find out anything about him. My heart still cares. I am still wondering how he is coping now. Is he fine? Is he puking very badly? Can he take it? Is he feeling angry, sad, miserable, depressed? Will he give up? Can he eat at all? Is he feeling cold? Is he feeling lonely? Is anyone there for him? I have many questions in my mind. I am still worried. Whenever the train passes by the station near the hospital he stays daily to and fro between home and workplace, I will think of him. We can lie to our minds and right to our own faces We can never lie to our hearts, especially in absolute silence. God looks into our hearts. I am comforted that God knows my heart despite the nasty treatment and misunderstanding from my loved one. It is definitely a torture when your loved one treated you nastily even if he knew that he had limited number of months or years left. No words could describe such pain.
I think my loved one has forgotten that I am a human with feelings and prone to mistakes and sins. He has forgotten that I am much younger than him (He was already in Secondary School while I was still in my mother's womb) and still in the midst of improving myself. I also need time to change. Instead of scolding me, he could have talked to me and guided me as a senior what I have done wrong so that I could improve and not repeat my mistakes. I also need guidance and reminders. I am willing to change. Over the years, I do listen to him and heed his advice. Maybe, to him, my flaws are always bigger than me as a child of God. Has he ever thought that due to our age gap, it is much more difficult for me to be honest with him and advise and encourage him? I take much higher risk of being misunderstood and scolded by him. I still take the risk out of Love. Love overwrites liking. Of course, I hope he likes me. But, liking is only temporary. I don't want to be so self centered to get him to like me by pleasing him. Love is eternal. And it entails certain level of tough love when called forth to be that 'bad' guy. I have never blamed him or angry with him the way he treats him as it is the choice I have made. am bearing the consequences.
I wonder if miracle will ever happen that he will forgive me and sit down with me over a meal where we talk to each other nicely. I still carry that glimmer of hope with me that that may happen though cruel reality seems to be slapping me right on my face that it will never happen. Well, God is almighty and magnificent. We will never know how the mystery of Love works. And, that, itself, comes little surprises from God which enrich one's life as long as we first open ourselves to be vulnerable with humility. I am still carry that glimmer of hope that my loved one will finally wake up and reunite with me one day. No matter what, God's love never fails.
With Love,
Elena
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