Just feel like writing a reflection today after one yesterday. I have not really been going back to church. Somehow, when standing outside the Catholic compound and looking in, things seem to be crystal clear to me. In church, I may find myself too religious and not necessarily spiritual. I followed certain laws so strictly that I became stoic. I try to blend into the church setting so much that I almost killed myself as my church environment was not really healthy for growth. I was very harsh on myself as people around me were constantly judging me. I am not blaming them here as everyone is responsible for his own life. I am just admitting that I was affected by them alot to the point of getting depressed. I loathed what I saw but I kept it to myself most of the time. I did not want to get involved with any politics and fights and jealousy but some people just did not want to let me go and get me involved. It was not easy to go against the crowd just to be right with God. You may step on toes, especially people with authority, and that's it. Your life there may become hell. It's a lonely path and yet, you are at peace with God.
After I had completed my mission in the church, I decided to move out of church after much prayer. I prayed for a place where I could grow with a group of Christians with a serving, humble wise leader. After my foundation and necessary hell in church to strengthen my character and faith, I need a concrete example of serving leadership for me to learn from. I realize that in church, some seemingly holy people may write very well or even comment very well in some spiritual blogs but when looking at their behaviour, their words were not in congruence with their behaviour. They lead double or even triple lives. I have seen how they fought like animals in church and how they have formed fans' clubs and elitists' clubs in church out of arrogance and pride. I am not just referring to my own parish. I am referring to the churches I had been to in Singapore in general. I also did self examination and I was in danger to be part of them as I was arrogant and harsh on others at times and some people suffered because of it. I decided to move out of church, knowing that I would be more misunderstood for following an idol as if I ever have one. Finally, after two years of prayers (after leaving church), my prayer was answered when I met my current boss last year. She has dramatically changed my perception towards Christianity and bring certain awareness to me, especially in the area of suffering. In fact, I have grown more outside the church. According to my art therapist last year, she told me I was spiritual though I confessed to her honestly that I have been out of church. She explained to me being religious and being spiritual are totally separate things. She assured me I was spiritual. She is right in a sense that I also realize my faith is much stronger outside church. I feel more at peace. Thanks to my Christ-like colleagues and boss at work as I spend most waking hours with them. I am still learning. On my part, I spend quiet time on the daily readings. On certain days when I am too tired for any readings, I would just chit chat with God. Writing is also my way of reflection and spending time in silence with God. My mind is cleared through such avenue.
I am not sure if suffering has been emphasized so much in the Catholic church that some of us have been looking for it subconsciously to prove our substance within. I am not even sure if some of us have warped idea of suffering within the Christian context. I have come across some Christians with smooth sailing life looking for suffering so as to prove their worth. Somehow, blood boils within me whenever these people reveal to me they are out to look for suffering and I can't even believe that some wish to have it. Some even yearn for it!! To me, it is like the what the hell! They have missed the point totally. Worse still, their friends and people around them support them in that mentality, misinterpreting it as part of holiness. Gosh! Maybe, I am just not as holy or deep as them to see holiness in that way. Or, maybe, if a person is in that environment for too long, he is blind to realize that. That is also known as blind spot.
Have been reading articles on suffering. I guess looking from outside the church, my mind is clear in a sense that people do not just shine through suffering. To be exact, people shine through love. Suffering may be just one of the ways of bringing out love if accepted according to God's will. My boss who is in good health shines in her leadership. She has been leading rich life. In fact, I am learning from her. God is telling me through her that it may not mean that people only shine through major suffering.
Anyway, suffering may not be major at times. Being misunderstood or scolded is another form of suffering. Suffering ridicule or mockery from others is another form of suffering. Being abused at work or in relationships is yet another form of suffering. It does not mean that we have to go through major events like illnesses or loved ones' death that we may become deep with substance. Some people after going through them become worse with self pity or self destruction. Worse still, some may even think they can become saints in the future only after major suffering. Sometimes, I do suspect that some people with such mentality may have some undetected mental disorders or unhealthy self esteem as these thoughts seem to be compulsive and they may even be obsessive with sainthood. I am afraid even before they become saint, they become insane with unnecessary misery and suffering brought upon themselves with such mentality. How to live life to the fullest and enjoy God's blessings and miracles with such mentality? I may be wrong. That is just my thought.
I think some of us may have misunderstood what accepting God's will is all about. It is not just about accepting our major illnesses or facts about dying that we show that we accept God's will. It starts from the very nitty gritty small suffering in our daily lives. From my current boss, her suffering would be how she protects us as a leader while having to cope with the high demands from the management. She is working very hard daily, sometimes even while she is sick. When we get into trouble, she has to carry the burdens as a leader to protect us. She may have some minor problems in the family which we may not know. These are part of her suffering and yet all of us in the team really admire her humility and strength. So far, we all think that she is a good boss who practises the Christian values. She walks the talk. Talk is cheap. Walking speaks louder than empty talks. When we do something wrong, she never fails to forgive. Under her, she keeps on reminding me not to be so harsh on myself and set the standard so high that I suffocate myself. I listen to her and try to be more compassionate towards myself so that I will know how to be compassionate towards others.
That is her way of accepting God's will. She goes through her own suffering with God's grace. Suffering should not be the major focus in life. The focus should be love. I am honored to have met many people in my life. I like to study and observe people as my hobby. Some people may have gone through major suffering but have chosen to self pity and even self glorification with the tendency to be arrogant by placing self above everyone or trying to get attention from as many people as possible. I often feel very tired around them and I also feel tired for them. I also have some people in my life who have been leading smooth sailing lives and yet Christlike by forgiving people again and again and share what they have with the others with sincerity. This has taught me in life that suffering does not necessarily mean depth and substance in a character. Rather, it is more on what we focus on and approach towards life. Accepting God's will is also about accepting people whom God has allowed into our lives. If we try to get rid of them or change them according to our idealized images of them, it is not accepting God's will. We are just willful in trying to get our ways or no way. Who are we to change them? So, accepting God's will also means accepting people as who they are. We can advise them or help them to realize certain things which may have gone unnoticed or warn them out of love at times but we cannot force them.
I always place sincerity above other values. Before sincerity, integrity and honesty have to come in. How can a person be sincere if he can't even be true to self and others? When looking for close friends and examples of serving leadership, the very quality I zoom in is sincerity. People are generally smart. They will sense if you are sincere or not. Sometimes, it's just a matter of people wanting to expose you or not. To me, it is a rare gem to find sincere people around as the world has been promoting individuality and packages. I wonder how many layers of masks most people are wearing each day. It is very tiring to keep changing the masks. When a person is sincere, transformation can take place in a person as he is true to accept himself as who he is and embrace others as who they are no matter how different they may be. Generally, such people are open to receive feedback and keep improving on themselves. Some other Christian values like forgiveness and mercy will be seen in them. Instead of living in their own worlds, they are willing to open up themselves and connect truly with the others. Only a soul to soul connection with each person in our lives, will we truly have a deep and transformative touch on a person beyond superficiality, especially in pastoral ministry.
I am very proud to have very few sincere friends around. Sometimes, we may not like what some of us have said to one another and yet we forgive and continue with our friendship. My best friend and I have known each other for almost two decades. What I appreciate in her is her sincerity. She will be frank with me about my flaws and accept the whole me. One thing she said touched me till now when I asked her why she still wanted to go for another holidays with me as I know I can very hot tempered and impatient, "That is you." with a smile. Only three words but they go deep into me. We know each other's flaws but we never judge harshly. We are very different. I should say both of us are really at two ends of the polarities respectively. We just accept each other. Though we only meet twice a year due to our busy schedules, we are still close. She is definitely my blessing in my life.
If you ask me whether I have regretted leaving my parish, my answer is still a definite no. Honestly speaking, I feel more tiring inside with some people out to cause divisions due to arrogance, unforgiveness. I am just too tired of it. I have leaders who even tweak the sharing to justify their unkindly actions and words and even why they 'need' to have such divisions and seem to be proud of it. Justifying one's actions and words does not mean that those actions and words are justifiable in God's eyes. Sometimes, it irritates me that they fight over petty things like usage of some English words to prove their language flair. I find it silly as life is definitely much larger than such petty way of proving self worth. I find it even more silly to follow leaders blindly like fans going after idols or celebrities. They seem to worship them above God. This is something I loathe since young. To me, celebrities are also human beings. We may admire certain traits in them that we may not have. But, going to the extent of worshiping them is absurd. It is even stupid to please them and support them even if they are wrong. I feel more sick when some leaders listen to their fans and do what they want even if it is wrong just to gain popularity and fame or afraid of losing support. I begin to wonder where God is in such cases and church has become a marketplace. How can I grow in a marketplace then?
I am still learning and improving. I am not sure how long I am staying with my team. When God calls, I will leave. I think I am not leaving in near future as I have a lot more to learn from my team. Sometimes, being too comfortable and staying too long with some people in the same old environment hinders growth and may cause one to be lack of substance and become complacent and even take things for granted. His world can only be so small as he only allows the same group of people in his life. He is too sheltered as people around him may protect him too much or only out to please him. Some people around me told me I meet interesting friends. Some ex-colleagues were amazed at why I know so much things about office politics beyond my age. I would always reply that happens only when I allow myself to be thrown into the deep sea when called forth. Imagine if I were to stay on the shore in my comfort zone with the same people who please me. When am I going to dive into the deep sea taking the risk of being hurt but discovering the wonder of God's creation with interesting unknown marine life? Life is like a deep sea. If I choose to stay onshore with the same old people whom I am comfortable with, I will never meet interesting people and my world is only that small, never learn much. I will never allow myself to be open for God's miracles to work. Want to have substance in you character? Muster the courage and throw yourself into the deep sea with the equipment God has blessed you with like faith, the Word, sacraments, other people, etc. No pain, no gain. Now, I am out of church, into the deep sea. I am happy exploring and I know more miracles to come with my heart and mind open though also with the risk of exposing myself to hurt. I would expect my future spouse to have the confidence and faith to dive into the deep sea exploring with me. In fact, I would expect him to guide me. Men are supposed to lead. No matter how strong or tough I am, I would expect my future spouse to lead by faith.
Enough of my sharing here. Have to go home early as I need to come to the office early for news monitoring. :( Thinking of camping in the office as I stay far away. So, if you are still onshore, dive into the deep sea with courage and equipment that God has blessed you with. If one person is too lonely, get some friends or loved ones to dive with you. You may dive together for company but each of you will have totally different experience in the deep sea for deep sharing with each other. You will enjoy the fun though with occasional hurt and pain along the way. It's a worthy risk. No pain, no gain.
With Love,
Elena
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