Fame away from God

Have got advice from my boss and a mature friend. I have come to certain conclusions. After dealing with him for almost 8 years, I have learnt a lot about not seeing things on a superficial level. The funny thing is I was first drawn to his look of holiness. At the end of this relationship, I finally wake up from my years of delusion. What I see for years is just a face of fame. Pretty sad to see how he is drifting away from God towards fame which he may not be aware of. I think he no longer knows what humility is. When a person no longer has humility, what he writes or preaches are mere words that stay on the head level. He even uses his so called 'humility' just to show the world how Christ-like he is which ironically brings self glorification instead of giving glory to God. Between my emails to him, I did stop visiting his blog for weeks. I felt very vexed when I saw him appearing in the newspapers while doing my daily news monitoring for my job. His publicity has gone too far. Even before he appeared in the newspaper, I would have expected to see him publicising his illness in the newspaper one day.

Why do I keep on saying that his 'humility' is just for show? It is not difficult to see that when he asked about why he did not have to go through stages of grief like others and he has never had fear at all throughout his illness till now. That only goes to show that he was trying to drive at he is different from other normal people and he is unique. If he were to be humble, he should be thankful about not experiencing stages of grief and give thanks to God instead of comparing how different he is from the others. Then, why mention of being sad at all in one of his interviews for being denied of a donation? Why do I choose to skip reading his blog for weeks at times? I find most writing nowadays are just self glorification and showing his own uniqueness with his fans supporting his warped grandeur ideas which are not workable to average people. I guess such writing stems from fear and insecurity hidden away from the public. He also questioned why people kept asking him not to be afraid. Little does he know that people are not stupid and they could sense it even if you hide it. Besides, it is only human to be fearful. That applies to Jesus who also cried out to God in certain fear though he was going through his pain and suffering at the Calvary. If there wasn't any fear, why even crying out at all?

It is easy for people to fall into the trap of thinking that he is holy like how I was tricked many years ago. It is alright that they only read what he writes as they do not know him personally. At least, the writing can still impart head knowledge. However, if people know how he is still treating people who do not please or agree with him, they will know he has not changed abit. In fact, he has gone worse. When some people told me he had changed for the better, I truly believed. But, when I visited him, that was another story. I will never understand why he thinks people stalk him. Frankly speaking, I have no time for that. That one-time hospital visit turned into attempts from his email to me. He can write all he can about beatitude, mercy, forgiveness, grace, etc. but these are meaningless words as long as he does not practise it not just for his fans but also to his enemies. He has already failed this part which is the most basic expectation of a Christian. That is why I do not even bother to read his blog most of the time as it has become a platform for narcissism. It is getting worse using his illness for such attention and fame.

I have overestimated his level of understanding and depth. I think he can't get what I have written to him most of the time and think that I am attacking him personally. Sometimes, I can see that he is trying very hard to explain certain concepts I have mentioned to him. He tries very hard to write about it. In the end, I realize that he tries too hard. My friend is also right that he cannot view things from many angles and cannot think deep. I am at fault that I thought that being leader and expert in the area, he should be able to view things from different angles and think deeply. He may be well versed in theory but he is simply lack of experience. That is why he can be vexed that why he can't get it at times. Little is he aware that it is because of self righteousness and having heavily guarded heart that only allows a few rich and influential people to get near him and even serve only certain groups of people while rejecting people who are no like-minded or agree with him. How can a person look at things from different angles and think deeply if he only mingles with like-minded people? Sometimes, after reading certain posts with flowery language, it is no surprise that I still can't get what he is driving at. Sometimes, I even feel that he is trying too hard to explain the concepts when he obviously cannot go deeper that that level. Basically, it is not hard to see that other than sharing some personal thoughts and reflection, he is also trying to impress readers. From him, I understand that if a person cannot get it, it just means he can never get it. It's no wonder he keeps misunderstanding what I write. Besides, for a person who is overly sensitive, even if I have stated I am not there to attack him with words, he just can't get it. In this case, I have already said all that I can to help him to live his remaining years meaningfully. It seems that he can't get it and has misunderstood me deeply. I do honestly think that if he lives like an average middle income person like us having his own family, his writing will be definitely with depth and from many angles. Not only that, he will be truly transformed within. It's not that he is a bad person. It's just that he needs some experience outside his comfort zone to be a more complete person. His fans around me are the very people who drift him away from God by keeping on spoiling hi with the words that please him. How can a person even grow up if the people around him keep giving him what he wants? These people are drawing him towards fame but away from God as such fame will only cause him to be more and more self centered and leave smaller and smaller space in him for God. How to walk towards holiness then? How can there be humility when the ego keeps inflating with these fans around? Besides, he has been too dependent on them and even cling to them. God has been getting him away from them from getting him out of that place to getting him out of the country to isolating him with illness but he keeps clinging on to them. How to grow when one attaches too strongly to people who keep pleasing him even if he is wrong? I have been honest with him about all these matters. But, all he thinks is about me attacking him. I am too tired.  In this case, since peace does not fall on him and he does not want to receive it, I will have to shake off the dust and move on.

I will leave him with his fans since that is his choice. Maybe, this is his way of having a peaceful death. Now, he is living his public self. As his fame gets the better of him, God is further and further away from him as his focus is getting all the attention to mask his insecurity and fear within. Why did I choose to tell him the truth that may offend him and make him hate me even more? That is because if he continues to blow his public self greater and greater to gain more fame and popularity, the gap between his public self and true self will be greater and greater and he will feel emptier and emptier inside though he may gain the attention and popularity from more and more people. His denial of all fears and feelings will only cause the fear and feelings to grow with the cancer cells and eat him within and he will explode one day. How can a person live in truth towards holiness if the gap between the public self and true self becomes greater, living double lives? It won't be long before he collapses and suffers from spiritual fatigue and ultimately spiritual death if he continues this way. Now, I have done all I can and he has misunderstood me. I can only shake off the dust and move on. But, if he is willing to open up his heart and reconcile with me, it will not just untie my knots but also his. Spiritually, we will be healed. It's a win-win situation. No point  keeping on trying to prove me I am wrong in this and that or try to make me angry. We are no longer kids. Don't need to try to make each other angry. He is pretty self centered. He only cares about his pride and feelings and rather the surviving me to live with scar for the rest of my life. Time is precious. I really hope that he will wake up one day, especially during his transplant. Hope God will enlighten him and he will open up his heart to understand and accept certain issues. Hope he will learn to be generous and be forgiving. Though he may hate me now, I hope he will understand all I want is to see him living life meaningfully and at peace with himself and others so that when he leaves this place, it will truly be a peaceful death with love. If not, how to have a peaceful death when there are grudges and unforgiveness within? How can a soul be free with attachment to worldly matters and unforgiveness in this world? I always look at things far ahead. He may not die now. I am just preparing him his death much later on so that he will never have any regrets. If not, by death bed, with flashback on his entire life, I am afraid he can't take it and may die with regrets. By then, it will be too late.

I hope he will understand my love for him as a friend one day though knowing him since Day 1, I have always been aware that he is self centered. He has never cared how I feel but cares about his own face and feelings. As for me, I am blessed that he is not my spouse. If not, how to communicate as husband and wife since he can't get what I am trying to say most of the time? He just cannot think as deep and from many angles. Besides, how to have a spouse who is self centered and think about only his pride and feelings? Now, I am moving on praying for a new relationship where the man who is willed by God to be my spouse to enter my life and we start developing our relationship towards marriage. How about him? All I can do is for him to wake up one day and reconcile with me.  I hope he will stop being a coward and be generous to communicate with me directly. When he learns to forgive me and reconcile with me, then he truly embraces the virtues of beatitude and extend the mercy and grace from God to me. Hope this miracle will happen. Hope that he won't be swallowed by fame and lose sight of God. When is he going to get what I am trying to say? Will he ever get it? Only God knows.

With Love,
Elena