It is rather amusing that a person creating another email account as 'Get Lost' just to send an email to me. If not for the email account name, I would not have guessed that it was him as only he is capable of doing such things. Thank you for the efforts. When I first read the email, what came to me was peace. Maybe, deep down, I know that the other party has steeped himself too deeply into fame. That wakes me up. It is an eye opener to me that a leader can make use of his sickness to try to be in the limelight. I would not think that I have misunderstood him. Even before he appeared in the newspaper, I would have expected that to happen. In fact, a few people had left the place because they commented the pulpit had become a stage for showy performance. What surprised me was that on the verge of dying, fame is still so important to a person that it has become more important than God. To me, it is very scary that when one has the power and in leadership position, one abuses his power to gain popularity and fame even with sickness. They are playing God. What they write or preach is no longer 'human'. It is too head in the cloud at the expense of denying all feelings, pain and suffering as a human. This is my first encounter with such matter. I guess there is always 'first time' in our lives.
I have done reflection on this encounter. Firstly, I am not here to please. Yes, a person may be sick and needs comfort. I do empathize with people who are sick. I do show my care and concern. But, not when they have tried to be a saint and teach other sickly people to deny all fears, feelings, pain, etc. No matter how holy we may be, we are still human afterall with feelings, flesh and blood. I often wonder if I should be honest about it or I should comfort the person by saying what he wants to hear. I may comfort him but in order to have a peaceful death, it is not just about saying what comforts him but to help him to accept his sickness including his pain, feelings, vulnerability, fear, etc. I have tried to comfort him by saying what he wants to hear. But, I realize that that will only support him in drifting him away from God through his seemingly charitable deeds. It has been consistent that he is using his illness to gain attention and even fame. How can a sickness be blessing? His friend even supports such view. It is never. A sickly person may be cheerful and happy. But, does it mean that a person has got no fear? Yes, having fear of the Lord is healthy but not to the extent of not fearing to die. Healthy fear of death shows the person is truly human and loves to be in this world which is God's creation with his loved ones and friends. It does not mean that fear of Lord can deny every other fears. That is too head in the cloud. It is true that when one faces death or terminal illnesses, one will have mood swings, sadness, fears, anger, etc. It is very human. Look at Talia, the cancer Youtube star who has died recently. She was only 13 years old when she died from cancer. She refused to wear wigs but chose to teach people how to beautify themselves through make-up. She was well known as cheerful and jovial and yet she was true to herself by confessing that she was so young and why she had to get the illness. I admire her honest confession of her vulnerability. It touches the heart. It shows she was a human with feelings. She faced her cancer honestly. Only through vulnerability, will a person allow God to work through such cracks into the core for healing. When one denies all these feelings, vulnerability, fears, etc., not only the writing is no longer realistic but it will lead to more people with the illness to live in denial. It is not teaching people to face the illness honestly with an openness to healing but to suppress all these feelings, fears, negativity which will ultimately lead to explosion and making the handling of illness tougher. I was just voicing out why he did not feel the grief which others did to help him to have a more complete picture so that his writing could really touch others who are not in vocation and have dependents in their lives. When it comes to sickness, it is not just as simple as a person suffering alone. It involves others in that sickly person's life and what to do with the responsibilities that he has been shouldering if he were to be gone. How about children? Isn't it too not human without feelings, without fear? I wonder if he ever suspected that in the disguise of calm and cheerfulness was denial to be vulnerable as a human. If not, he would not have shouted at me when I visited him in the hospital.
Secondly, it is very scary to know a person with both public and private personas. You no longer know who he is. You don't know if you should communicate with the public him or the private him. If I communicate with the public him, I will only lead him away from God and he will never grow. He will feel ever emptier and misunderstood. Ultimately, he will only die in misery. If I communicate with his real private persona, I will run the risk of offending him or getting nasty treatment from him if he prefers to live in his fantasy world. And yet, if he is open and sincere, you will help him to be himself with sincerity and he will become sincere with others and no longer has to live double lives. With double lives, whatever he writes or teaches seems holy and true and you expect him to walk the talk for most of them that he has taught. But, the true story is the person practises that to only the people he likes while being nasty to the people who don't. You think he has changed for the better but you will only get more tired and confused when you realize that he has not changed abit. The superficial face of change is just for public show. I am very tired of such communication. Ultimately, I know what kind of death the person is going to face. Only, he, himself, knows. God has not meant our lives and death to be like that.
Thirdly, it is easy to write and preach from our own comfort zones. Not everyone needs to go through poverty like others to truly live the virtues of beatitudes. How do I know if a person only has this head knowledge but not embracing the virtues from the heart? That is when you see how he treats the less fortunate, the poor and even his enemies. It requires one to truly admit and embrace himself as poor in spirit so that the richness from God is shared with all others. When a person divides the people around him as likes and dislikes with totally different treatment, you know the person is disintegrated within and has this subtle arrogance to be high up there, giving the privileges to the people he likes. It has become a fan club. Then, you know he does not embrace beatitudes within the heart. There is sense of entitlement that only if you agree with me, you are in the community. If not, simply get lost. There is no humility, forgiveness and mercy extended to ALL others. The beatitude also ties in the scenario where Jesus had meals with the tax collectors and sinners. He did not just go for the influential and rich. In fact, he lost his cool when people turned the temple into a marketplace. If he lives among us now, I wonder how many 'marketplaces' he is going to turn upside down.
Then, this is my first time encountering a terminal sickly person who instead of forgiving others, becomes higher up there playing God. Is that really fear of The Lord? If there is, why still treating others nastily behind the holy front? Did Jesus live that double lives? Normally, a dying person will let go of the grudges and forgive others as he has waken up that there is no point in bearing such grudges right into the grave. It affects the state of soul entering into the other world. The person will definitely miss the narrow gate as he is clouded by all these unforgiveness, hatred and grudges. I am quite taken aback that this person who stubbornly refuses to forgive people and choose to hold on to grudges. I wonder why. Is his hatred greater than the love in him? Is his heart only that small? I may have overestimated him and was so stupid to ask for reconciliation as I believed his change which was obviously foolish of me to believe that holy public front. Even if he wants me out of his life, he can put it properly without naming his email account as 'Get Lost'. It only brings the anger and hatred out of him.
There is also something I have learnt. A person may be older than me and hold certain position up there but it does not mean that his level of understanding and enlightenment is there. People grow at different pace and may not be according to their ages and positions. Based on his negative reaction and childish behavior (which I find funny), it is obvious I have overestimated this part of his. He simply cannot get it. As long as he doesn't handle issues within, he will never get it. I may have neglected that he does not have that level of understanding that I thought he has. He is not stupid. All he lacks is experience to live as an ordinary person. I did ask him to let go all the position, influential friends and luxury for only one year and I can guarantee with openness and humility and God's guidance, the beatitudes live deeply in him. I guess he thought I was trying to be sarcastic about his luxurious lifestyle. He got it completely wrong. Like I have mentioned, not all people need to go through the humble experience like that. Some people do need that to have certain level of enlightenment. I guess in his case, the pride is so strong that it comes with the attitude of who are you to tell me what to do since I am high up there. Fr Rolheiser who has been my virtual spiritual director and his as well did write something about issues living within our comfort. Why didn't he seem to get it? It's along the same line as what have written to him. They just coincide. For me, I look at the person and address the needs, especially areas of growth. Most people around him keep giving him what he wants to the point of spoiling him. There were a few occasions I served in the areas where he used to be in charge of. Most of them were quite screwed up in that women fought with each other or refused to allow the other one to join the group as they were fighting for favour from him. Scary cat fight to me over a man who could never marry them since they were married. Even seemingly godly leaders appointed by him left the groups suddenly, leaving the groups with no direction and in mess while the rowdy youths who were the rejected by him remain serving now. I wonder when he will ever wake up to see that his formation of fan club has been leaving trails of mess and fight among the people. This is the truth that I have been seeing and even helping to clear up for some. As long as he does not change and fails to see this, he will continue to leave such trails of mess behind. Everyone makes mistakes. Most importantly, we learn and improve and move on. It does not seem to be the case in this situation. I am sorry I can't please him even if it is easier and can easily gain his liking. But, that is not my role of dragging him away from who he is and away from God by allowing him to continue with such sins. It is akin to keep giving the person comfort food like chocolate to the point of luring him to want more. Ultimately, leading to health problems and even death. If I keep pampering him and pleasing him, he is spoilt and becomes not receptive to any growth which he is now. Now, it is sad that I am seeing him living like a spoilt king with people who keep giving him comfort food to the point of poisoning his soul. It is beyond me to do anything. I am not God. I will let God do the job of bringing him down before it is too late. The illness should bring him down. Instead, it becomes worse. I am also right to leave the church. Fr Rolheiser did mention about growing with a community of sincerity though the community is flawed. I agree with that. Personally, I do not mind that a community is flawed as there is no perfect community. The problem lies with I was in community of show and pretension where the church became a playground for the rich and influential. How can I ever grow healthily like that? Even blessing should be received by only some people whom the leaders thought deserved. Where is that sincerity? I know my last email to him might have hurt him. I was just speaking the truth in general and it was not about attacking him. I just hope when he is in remission, he can do something about it or improve on situation with his power. I think he can't get it again. I got it from him again. When is he ever going to get it? Maybe, I have overestimated his change and though that he could read my emails objectively without thinking that I was attacking him. Also, I have overlooked that his groups of people who keep praising him and supporting him even if he is too head in the cloud or wrong will never help him to see different views as constructive feedback.
I do sympathize with him as he has been trying to be a performer. It is easy to see his insecurity. I only went to the hospital once for reconciliation. He made it sound like I was always there. Need to call security in? I don't even know if he is in the hospital most of the time. Sometimes, I don't even visit his blog for weeks. How would I know if he is there? For him, it's always about being noticeable and attention. He may have a difficult past. That is why I do not shout at him in the public nor hate or bear grudges towards him. His vocation has dragged him away from God instead of drawing him near since his position has got ready accessibility to fame, popularity and prestige that he yearns for but are the very elements for his downfall. The worst matter is most people around him feed him more of such elements. He just does not see that and thinks that I am jealous of them. Oh, gosh! How do I shake him up from his delusion? With his illness now and upkeep with his public holy image, I would not be surprised that he may collapse one day as whatever in him eats him inside together with cancer cells while juggling contradictory double lives. I could still sense intense hatred in him. I am sorry that I cannot help in this area.
At this point, it is good that he has asked me to get out of his life. Somehow, though upset with his behaviour, I feel at peace at the same time. He is too high up there and I can never reach him. Anyway, who am I to go up there since Jesus does not even go up there for show? Besides, I can never stoop myself to please him like the people around him. Anyway, he is neither my boyfriend nor spouse. I cannot do anything if he persists such behaviour and attitude towards some people and life in general. I think that is his way of embracing Christianity which I can never grasp. He has chosen a path where he makes it tough for us and torturous for himself. I simply do not understand why. His current behaviour and words only prove that I have been right about him and he continues to cowardly hide in that small fantasy world. He does not even have guts to reply me through his own email account. I think he knows what he is doing is wrong and would not want to get into trouble. Then, why persists in such behaviour? He has not changed abit. Ok, I do not intend to tell other people whom he knows about this. No point. They can continue to see him as holy as long as they are helped in some ways. Maybe, that is also his way of living a holy life. Sorry, it is beyond me to understand how holy a life can be with double lives going on in a person at the same time. It is simply dark to me.
I have spoken to my boss about it as I need to handle his last email to me properly. We had a good talk as friends last evening as I was seeking advice from her as my senior. She is both a leader at work and church and has been successful in life. I still look up to her as a role model as she is a Christ centered leader with humility though she has come from a well to do family. People like her do not have to go through life of poverty to embrace beatitude. I was quite surprised that as a wealthy person herself, she also had problems with growing in churches where the rich and influential are. She also looks for a community where she can sincerely serve and grow with others. I am learning from her as I am aware of my various flaws. After talking to her, I know much better how I feel. It becomes clear to me that I liked him at that point of time and he had clearly indicated he chose me over the fans around him a few years ago. It's just that I could not get it. Sorry, guy, I have let you down and you suffered misunderstanding at that time.
My stand now is I will stay out of his life. If he is willing to let go of his position, fame, popularity, I am willing to go through thick and thin with him as his spouse if it is God's calling. Or, if he is willing to reconcile, we can always be friends. He can be very sick now or even dying. But, so what? Even if I am not sick, who can guarantee me that I can live beyond 50 years old? To me, no matter how long he can live, be it a few years, few months or even a few days, they are still gifts from God. Why not live truthfully and meaningfully with sincerity? A person can embrace and live in Christian way only when he is sincere and true to others and self. I was wrong to decide for him and even force him back to his vocation as I was thinking too much and stuck myself too much to my principles even though he had shown me he did like me and I did like him and was happy with him. If I could turn back time, I would accept him if he decided to give up his position instead of pushing him back at that time. He is talented. Whether he is in or out, he can still serve in creative ways. I will leave it to him to decide for now. As for me, if he is for me, I will make sure I will walk through his life journey with him loving him till the very end. If not, I will start anew with the man willed by God to be my spouse. If he wants reconciliation, we can always be friends. But, if he insists on leaving things in such miserable state, I can only ask if he is sure this is Christian living and he is really happy with things as it is now, if he is sure he is practising what he has been writing and teaching. I really hope that he will wake up.
I will continue to pray for him. If he wakes up after his transplant and wants reconciliation, I will reconcile with him. Throwing tantrum on me does not help the situation. I hope that one day, he will be man enough to face me and reconcile with me. Meanwhile, I will keep him in my prayers for him to recover.
With Love,
Elena
No comments:
Post a Comment